


The Clock Tower

by cream_pudding



Series: In Pursuit Of A Normal Life [3]
Category: Final Fantasy VII, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Complete, Crossover, Established Relationship, M/M, POV Third Person, Plot, Roxas' finale story arc, Series, Sex, Slash, Violence, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-07-28 16:11:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 62,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7647763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cream_pudding/pseuds/cream_pudding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxas waited a year too long returning to Radiant Gardens in order to be with Axel. Engulfed in guilt and excitement he heads to the Clock Tower to fulfil a promise he never truly made. This is Roxas' final tale in striving to achieve everything he ever wanted in his life; the promise of a normal life with the man who waited for him for 14 years. But it isn't as easy or straight forward as he would have hoped.</p><p>This is <b>Part Three</b> of my five part series - <b>In Pursuit of a Normal Life</b>. It follows Roxas' final leg in his journey to reunite with Axel and settle down. </p><p>This story continues on from the end of <a href="https://goo.gl/Mwfsz6">Chapter 18</a> of <em>A Place To Belong</em>.</p><p>Maybe a good idea to read this chronologically. But all parts are actually self contained. So you technically could just read each fic on its own.</p><p>Part One - <a href="https://goo.gl/Q7KZdI">A Small Glimpse</a><br/>Part Two - <a href="https://goo.gl/Mwfsz6">A Place To Belong</a><br/>Part Four - <a href="https://goo.gl/Hf27MP">The Search For Absolution</a><br/>Part Five - <a href="https://goo.gl/3OP1rg">Tales From A Normal Life</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One-Thousand-and-Eighty-Three

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Babs34](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babs34/gifts).



> This story is a gift to Babs34, for her wonderful support. I know I said I'd gift you the fourth part, but since you like AkuRoku more I thought this might be better :)
> 
> Also this fic will cross over with _A Place To Belong_ , as well as the fourth and final story in the series, so I will let you guys know in the notes when that takes place, in case you'd like to pop over to those and read what's been happening from a different perspective. Call it a bit of weird fun regarding how you choose to read fanfics :D
> 
> I also have a playlist for this fanfic... but I don't want to post it until the end... in case it spoils stuff.
> 
> I will also most likely make fanart for this fic, as I have done with my previous fics. You can visit my [DeviantArt page](http://cream-pudding.deviantart.com/), and I also post stuff on [Tumblr](https://creamypudding.tumblr.com/). Feel free to watch/follow and chat to me at either of those places. I love to hear from fellow AkuRoku and Clack fans.
> 
>  
> 
> **  
> **  
> _**~cream pudding**_  
>   
> 
>  **P.S** \- This fic won't be all fluff. It's rated explicit for reasons. It's gonna get unpleasant at some point. Just look after yourself while reading. ❤

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas heads back to the see the man he had forgotten. He hopes and prays that Axel waits for him.

Roxas felt exhilarated as he wove his way through the mountains and valleys of Wutai. He looked at everything with new eyes. He wanted to memorize how the country looked, and wanted to memorize everything he had seen and experienced in this wonderful place. Roxas was going to come back, so he didn’t need to feel sad or like he would miss the place. As long as he was alive he would make sure to return.

He still crossed over the sea with a heavy heart however. He watched the landmass fade into the mists until it was just a hazy blue smudge in an endlessly blue ocean. Roxas felt that way about Axel too. He had become an undefinable smudge in the background of his life. Just a streak of red and green in the tapestry of Roxas’ lifetime experiences. But Roxas wanted to believe that he could also be so much more. They had come into each other's lives so unexpectedly, and then had been reunited even more unexpectedly. That had to be fate - or destiny. A dopey grin spread itself across his face. He really was a romantic.

Once he made landfall in the early evening Roxas decided to keep heading north. It was a four day journey. Roxas just _had_ to get there before the sun rose on his birthday. The romantic in him demanded it, and the excitement he felt bubbling within himself wouldn’t die down. He had in fact been so pumped that he had ridden the whole night through. The darkness enveloped and swallowed him. His bikes headlight served to illuminate the winding path ahead. Roxas continued, fatigue far from his mind as he remembered his time with Sora, Riku, Kairi and of course Axel. 

The closer he got to his destination the more the fog seemed to clear. He remembered the long days at school, messing around. He remembered the video games, the competition between them all, the big hugs Sora always gave. Roxas couldn’t help but grin from ear to ear. And as the night waned Roxas’ mind wandered to the late night spent awake with Axel, and the early sunrise. There was definitely something there. Something special that needed and deserved to be explored. Roxas didn’t want to go up there and have false hopes though. He knew it had been a long time. He knew people changed. Roxas was a case in point. But he would hate himself if he didn’t give it a try.

As the sun peaked over the horizon Roxas turned towards it and cheered loudly, shouting, “Three-hundred-and-sixty-three! I’m coming for you, Axel!” He pressed on until fatigue did finally take him, but he had made good time and covered a large distance so far.

Day 364 dawned. Every morning when Roxas saw the sun rise he imagined Axel also rising, and making his way to the clock tower. What had previously served as a focal point of guilt was now what spurred him on to push his bike further and faster. The wilderness around him slowly started becoming familiar as he was getting close to where Aerith and the orphans lived. Roxas did considered stopping by. 

He would have loved to see her and all the kids. They would all be getting older. Roxas wanted to talk to them about Wutai, and find out if they would ever consider going back there. Roxas wanted to tell them how great the place was and how far the country had come. He was just about to turn off the main road to head to the canyon when he changed his mind. They could wait. They hadn’t been waiting 364 days and counting to see him again after all.

* * *

 

It was still dark when Roxas rode into the outskirts of the city he only remembered he loved upon his return. The stars had faded away due to the light pollution. Cars, trucks and other bikes were beginning to slowly clog up the roads in anticipation of another busy day getting to and from places. Roxas thought of Wutai and it’s measly population of 4 million. It was laughably small compared to the 10 million residence in this grand city. Roxas still felt amazed that he and Axel had actually reconnected. The odds were stacked against them and yet it had happened.

Roxas parked his bike in the mostly empty street. It was like no one cared about this old clock tower. Graffiti marked and marred its walls, and the pavement was a mess with strange blue droppings near the entrance, and a strong urine smell pervaded the air around the side alley. All the other buildings around here were far more impressive, yet this was the one place that Roxas wanted to be most in the world. 

It was still dark as Roxas ascended the stairs. He hadn’t seen any other vehicles outside so he presumed Axel wouldn’t be there just yet. But his heart was pounding regardless. 

Roxas pushed the old metal door open. It was surprising how silent it was considering all the rust that was eating away at it. Roxas breathed in deeply as he stepped around the corner, hoping against all hope to see the fiery redhead.

Despite finding exactly what he had expected to find he was still disappointed. 

His heart grew heavy as he surveyed the emptiness before him. The sky was beginning to lighten. Sunrise couldn’t be more than a few minutes away. So Roxas waited. And he paced. 

The minutes ticked over and a red dot appeared on the horizon, distant and faint. Roxas sat himself down where he and Axel had sat all those years ago. He watched the sun rise slowly. Watched that miniscule red circle grow bigger, brighter, and hotter. The red transitioned, painting the whole sky and clouds in purples, which slowly faded and turned everything orange.

Roxas gazed at the horizon until the sun grew in strength and ferocity, to such an extent that it hurt to keep looking.

It was a beautiful sight, but Roxas would have preferred to see it with someone else by his side. He swung his legs back around and placed them on solid ground. “Guess Axel doesn't come up here anymore after all,” muttered Roxas to himself.

He felt disappointed. There was no denying it. But he also didn’t hold it against the man.

Roxas wondered what he should do. He wondered if Axel still lived in that apartment, and then he wondered if he even remembered what the address had been. Could he let this go so easily? Could he just say ‘ _oh well, I tried_ ’ and then leave happy? _Had_ Roxas actually tried? He _was_ here. That was some kind of an effort he supposed.

But he felt like it was a cop out. He had come all this way. He thought he should at least see the man once before he left. But maybe Axel had moved on. Maybe he wasn’t up here because he didn’t want to see Roxas again. Roxas shrugged at that thought.

They never explicitly made a promise, Roxas recalled. Axel had just casually told him ‘ _Once you’re eighteen I’ll be waiting - every morning.’_ But they never put a time frame on that. Maybe Axel thought Roxas had died? He certainly wouldn’t expect the man to hang around for him until he was 90. 

Roxas all of a sudden felt sad thinking that Axel might think him dead. It made him wish that they had inserted a clause that stated Axel didn’t have to wait after ‘ _X’_ amount of years. But it was too late now. Roxas had no way of contacting the man to confirm his living status.

He would dearly have loved to call Axel, but Yuffie had deleted the number once out of rage. Roxas had been furious with her but they had made up again after only a week. Roxas smiled at the memory of that girl. It was a bit inconvenient for him right now that she had done that, but he was glad that their relationship didn’t crumble because of the incident.

The sun rose a little higher, casting long shadows. Yet it was high enough for something around the other corner of the clock tower to glisten and catch the sun’s fanning rays, drawing Roxas’ attention to it. He got up to take a closer look. Roxas was still debating with himself how long he should spend in Radiant Gardens. He could still visit Zack. Maybe he would know what happ-.

Roxas’ train of thought got cut off as he rounded the corner. The floor was decorated with small sticks. They were in no particular order or grouping, stuck haphazardly all around. It looked like a little cemetery. Each one had been jammed in between the cracks of the old paved floor underfoot. Some silver wrapping paper was tied around each one and the ribbons fluttered in the breeze. That had been what caught Roxas’ eye. Roxas wondered if these things had always been here or whether -.

He bent down to examine them closely. Some looked a bit weathered, but all had a blue tinge to them and looked like - popsicle sticks. Roxas’ heart started pounding a little harder. He began counting them.

1,2,3 - 134,135,136 - 289, 290, 291 - 365 - 593 - 734 - 1082.

It took Roxas a fair while to count. He had lost his place several times, so had to restart until he found a system of keeping track that worked for him. When he got to the end he felt exhausted. ‘ _What was this? If - if this was -’_. 

Roxas couldn’t fathom it. This was almost three years worth of popsicles. Roxas’ heart felt pained. _‘If Axel had come here every day -_ ’. He couldn’t bare to think about it.

He suddenly looked up from the popsicle graveyard and towards the front of the clock tower. The bell chimed six times. Had Roxas really been here for a whole hour? He got up and walked back the way he came, heart pounding furiously. Axel _had_ to be there. He just _had_ to be!

Roxas stopped just as he reached the corner of the tower. He closed his eyes, and breathed deeply, trying to ground himself. There could still be a possibility that he would see nothing and no one. Roxas would have to go around that way to leave, no matter what. So no matter how scared and nervous he felt right now he couldn’t leave without finding out. He took another deep breath and steeled himself against disappointment.

Roxas thought himself to have been brave, yet he still found that he squeezed his eyes shut as he stepped around. With eyes closed and holding himself stiff as a board he called out Axel’s name - wishing - praying - that it would conjure the other man up. He listened for a short while. The ringing of the bell was still reverberating slightly in the air, but other than that there was a deeply disturbing silence. 

Roxas peeled one eye open in trepidation, and then the other. 

He felt like his heart lurched forward in his chest. His knees went weak and his stomach did somersaults. 

Axel sat in their spot - A popsicle stick poking out of his mouth. He was holding another popsicle over the ledge, letting it drip and dissolve in the morning sun.

They looked at each other. 

Green eyes looked somewhat surprised but otherwise pretty cool and unfazed. Roxas for the first time in four days realized that he wasn’t at his most presentable. He hadn’t showered in several days and his clothes were weather worn with mud splats all up his jeans. 

His heart jackhammered, and he managed a shaky step forward. And then another - and another. His skin felt clammy and fingers and toes became like icicles. Roxas hoped he wouldn’t forget how to breathe.

He reached Axel, who still hadn’t moved other than to crane his head so he could follow Roxas’ form as it stalked towards him. Roxas sat down next to him, brushing his shoulder against Axel’s. God even just brushing up against him felt good. It was warm and real. 

Roxas gave him a sidelong glance. He felt his face prickle and was glad that his hair obscured some of it. He was sure he was red as a beet. He wasn’t however very sure about how Axel felt. Was he at all resentful? Did he still find Roxas attractive? For that matter did Roxas still find _him_ attractive? 

Those smouldering eyes never wavered. Hell yes, Roxas could feel his blood begin to pool to his groin. That answered that question. Roxas felt like he needed to say something, but wasn’t sure where to begin.

“That mine?” asked Roxas, nodding his head towards the melting ice cream. 

Axel almost robotically retracted his arm from where he was dangling the dripping popsicle over the ledge and handed the stick to Roxas. 

Their fingers touched. 

It was almost electric. 

Roxas felt weak.

He failed to grip the popsicle as Axel let it go and the ice cream plummeted to its doom. Both leaned forward to watch the free fall. Somewhere far below it hit the floor and broke apart _._ Roxas lifted his gaze to look at Axel, only to find the other man already watching him with intensity. Axel removed the nearly completely eaten sea salt ice cream from his mouth and offered it to Roxas.

“You can have mine, Roxy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are 17 more chapters. Don't think it ends here :p
> 
> If you enjoy please leave **kudos** and/or **comments**. I always love to hear feedback of any variety.


	2. The Wager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bet is made to right a wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with Chapter 20 of [A Place to Belong](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7153685/chapters/17480512) \- you can read it now.

Shivers and butterflies erupted in Roxas’ body. His hand brushed past the offered popsicle and went straight for the back of Axel’s neck, pulling him forward into a kiss. Roxas hadn’t been aware how hungry he had been for Axel until he had felt the other man’s touch. Axel’s breath was warm while his lips were cool. It was an electrifying combination. Roxas licked Axel’s lips greedily and poked his tongue into the crease diving upper and lower lip. Axel obliged and parted them, taking Roxas in like they had never been apart. 

Their tongues wrestled for a moment but Roxas gave in and let Axel dominate his mouth. He enjoyed the taste and tang of the sea salt flavor on Axel’s tongue, and began sucking on him like he was an ice cream. Roxas heard and felt the growl that emanated from Axel’s throat. It made the throbbing in his pants stronger and the tightness in his abdomen harder and more intense.

Roxas was fully prepared and willing to have sex with Axel right then and there. The uncertainty of his feelings was gone and it felt just like three years ago. He would be happy to pick right up from where they had left off if Axel was prepared and wanting the same.

Judging by the hot hand which was beginning to lift the hem of Roxas’ shirt in the hope of making contact with bare skin, Roxas thought that Axel probably felt the same way. Roxas used his other hand, which wasn’t pressed against Axel’s neck, to help the man untuck his shirt, but Roxas’ phone began buzzing loudly in his back pocket.

Roxas would have ignored it if he had been able to repress the laughter that bubbled forth. 

He had to disengage the kiss and pull away, shaking with laughter. He very reluctantly got up to make access to his phone easier, fishing it out, whilst simultaneously moving his other hand into Axel’s hair. He knew he was being silly, but for a moment he was scared that Axel would vanish if he lost contact with him.

Roxas didn’t need to look in order to know who it was. Still laughing Roxas picked up and put the call on loudspeaker as he wanted to share this with Axel. 

“Cloud! You bastard!” he shouted loudly. The smile didn’t leave Roxas’ face.

Cloud’s laughter echoed through the phone. “ _What? I’m just ringing to check up on my little brother, like you wanted me to. Did I catch you at a bad time?_ ” came the teasing voice.

“The worst time. Are we even now?” asked Roxas in good cheer.

“ _Not by a long shot. I take it Axel’s there._ ”

“Sup, Spiky!” came Axel’s amused yet casual tone. Axel swiveled around, placing his feet back on solid ground and pulled Roxas’ hips towards him, moving the boy - no - _man_ now - between his legs to embrace him while Roxas stood before him. 

For a moment Roxas felt embarrassed because Axel would surely be able to feel his erection, being pressed so close to him. But then judging by the pleased look Axel gave him, and the way the other man pulled Roxas even closer towards his body must have meant that there was nothing to worry about.

A female voice could be heard in the background of the phone, followed by some rustling, bringing Roxas’ attention back to what had interrupted them.

“ _Give it here!_ ” came Yuffie’s unmistakable tone.

“ _Roxas! Is Axel there?_ ”

Roxas looked down on Axel who was busy leaving kisses and licks on Roxas’ stomach, but still keeping one sultry green eye directed upwards at Roxas. That look made Roxas want to drop everything and kiss the other man. Instead Roxas gently thrust his hips against Axel’s chest, enjoying the friction and pressure between the two of them.

“Yeah,” he said huskily. Axel was certainly there.

“ _Good! Now you listen here Mister! You hurt my Roxy and I will come up there and break you!_ ” 

Roxas chuckled.

“ _Your_ Roxy, huh? Looks like he’s mine right now.” Axel quickly squeezed the front of Roxas’ pants causing a squeak to escape Roxas’ mouth.

Sounds of agitation emanated from the other side of the line.

“ _You better make sure Roxas has the best birthday._ ”

“Oh you don’t have to worry about that,” rumbled Axel’s voice against Roxas’ skin.

There was more noise in the background.

“ _Gimmie that!_ ”

“ _No!_ ”

Roxas just smiled as the ruckus was going on. Eventually the phone was passed around to everyone and they each in turn wished Roxas a happy birthday. 

Selphie held a mini tirade about not being able to throw Roxas a party, but Roxas reminded her of the farewell she had thrown and how much he had appreciated it. That seemed to calm her a little but she was still left huffy. 

Eventually Yuffie’s voice came back on.

“ _I’ll go and see if any treasure got left for you in the cave.”_

“Thanks, Yuffie.”

Some silence fell.

“ _I miss you. You look after yourself, ok? And make sure that guy doesn't break your heart or there’ll be hell to pay. I love you, Roxas._ ”

Roxas smiled. He knew Yuffie only ever used the _L_ word when she was trying to make others jealous, or establish her importance in relation to him. Roxas ventured a glance at Axel who had cocked an eyebrow and left firmer kisses and nips on Roxas’ abdomen. He guessed that her strategy was working.

“I love you too, Yuffie. Now can you let me talk to Cloud?”

She reluctantly agreed and in a few moments Cloud’s voice came on again.

“ _Happy birthday, Rox. I hope you have a great time._ ”

“Thanks, Cloud. I think I will. How are you holding up?”

“ _I’m fine, Roxas. Have a great day._ ”

Roxas thought that Cloud sounded extremely tired and for the first time that morning frowned.

All of a sudden Axel actually seemed to pay attention to something other than Roxas’ body between his legs, and piped up before the line went dead. “Yo Cloud, you should give Zack a call. He misses you, ya know. I can give you his number if you need it. He hasn’t change it though.”

“ _I don’t need it, but thanks, Axel. I’ll talk to you later, Rox._ ” With that the line went silent and Roxas and Axel were left alone again with each other.

Roxas’ mind was still on his brother. “Does Zack really miss him, or did you just say that to make Cloud feel bad?”

Axel smirked, pulling Roxas’ shirt back down to cover him and stood up. “A bit of column A and a bit of column B.”

Roxas looked up at Axel. The man was still taller than him but instead of looking at his chest all the time Roxas was now comfortably able to rest his head on Axel’s shoulders, and that’s just what he did, nuzzling into that slim neck. He inhaled Axel’s clean scent. He still smelled somewhat spicy, but perhaps it was a bit more of a matured and aged spice. Roxas thought he still liked it though.

“You’re a lot shorter than what I remember,” teased Roxas and he felt arms wrap around him in response.

“You’re just a lot taller. That Wutai sun must have done you some good.” Axel kissed Roxas’ forehead as Roxas lifted his head to speak. Axel captured his lips for another kiss, taking the opportunity to dive deep. 

Roxas pulled himself out of the kiss reluctantly, nipping at Axel’s bottom lip before being content to let him go. “How do you know I was in Wutai?”

Lips curled and eyes shone. “I’d recognize a Wutai accent anywhere. That girls’s one was thick. And even you’ve got a slight twang now. It’s cute.” Axel planted another kiss on his long lost love as Roxas’ eyes went wide in surprise at Axel’s observation.

“That girl - what’s with her? She your _girlfriend_?” Axel cocked an eyebrow, intensely interested after he finished kissing Roxas.

Roxas smirked. “No, she’s not. But it turns out I’m not completely gay.”

“Mmm, I’ll fix that for you, Roxy.” Axel pulled Roxas even closer so Roxas could feel Axel’s firm erection against his own, and pushed lips and tongue against Roxas’ mouth. Axel’s hot tongue forced it’s way past smiling lips and massaged Roxas’ mouth until Roxas couldn’t hold the moan of pleasure back. 

Seemingly satisfied with himself Axel’s arms left Roxas’ body but a warm hand pressed and clasped against his hand instead. Axel also grabbed his discarded popsicle stick, which lay on the clock tower wall in a puddle of blue liquid.

Axel lead them around the corner to where the popsicle graveyard was. He dropped Roxas’ hand and then surveyed the area, as if deciding where to plant the latest stick.

“This is yours?” Roxas didn’t need an answer but he wanted an explanation.

“Yeah. I didn’t have much else to do with my time. So I made you a modern art sculpture. I call it ‘ _Counting Down the Days_ ’. It’s art because until today I didn’t really know how many days I would have to count. Turns out a-thousand-and-eighty-three is the answer.” Axel flashed him a grin before walking a short distance and kneeling down to busy himself with jamming the stick into the ground and tying some foil around it, which he seemed to carry in his pocket.

“You didn’t have to - You shouldn’t have -.” Roxas’ brow furrowed deeply as he tried to understand. “Why did you come up here for three years?” The pain and guilt he felt was evident on his face.

Axel stood back up and dusted himself off, surveying his now completed masterpiece before turning towards Roxas. “I’ve been searching for you for eleven long years. Never knowing who you even were. Waiting for three more, after having finally met you? Waiting and _knowing_ you would be coming back? That was easy. Besides - I _really didn’t_ have anything else to do with my time.” Another grin was put forth.

Roxas still felt the pang of guilt and remorse in his heart. He couldn’t shake the frown on his face and the distinct sensation of tears building at the back of his eyes. Roxas, with his head down, quickly walked over to Axel and embraced him tightly, forcing the breath out of the other man’s chest.

“Ease up there, Roxy,” wheezed Axel. “You’ve gotten really strong.”

Roxas squeezed a little less tightly and Axel tilted that blonde mop up so he could kiss his silent tears away.

“Forget the past, Roxy. I wanted you to live a full and happy life. I didn’t want you to be miserable, worrying about others. I still don’t want you to. So tell me - did you keep your promise?”

Roxas let go of Axel and took a slight step back so he didn’t have to crane his neck awkwardly. “Yeah, I had an amazing time. I -.” _Even forgot about you_. Roxas felt so guilty. He looked down at the mess on the ground. Axel hadn’t forgotten a single day. How could Roxas live with himself knowing that? What could Roxas ever possibly do to make it up to him? “I hope I did things to make you proud of me,” he muttered. 

Axel pulled Roxas to his chest and breathed him in deeply, causing a laugh to stir out of his chest. “You reek, you know that? I would be proud of you having a shower right about now.”

Roxas feigned a look of upset. “You try travelling across half the country, sleeping rough, trying to make a deadline and see how rosey you smell afterwards.”

“Come with me, Roxy. Let me take you home so I can wash you.” Axel grabbed Roxas by the hand and began walking towards the stairs. “Plus I have a bet to win,” said Axel more to himself than his companion.

“Bet?”

“Yeah, we wagered on who would end up having sex with their favorite blonde first.” Axel, not being shy or embarrassed about anything he ever did just winked at Roxas, but Roxas stopped abruptly, pulling his hand out of Axel’s.

“You and Zack?” asked Roxas in disbelief.

“Yeah, who else?” Axel turned to face him. 

“That’s not really fair. I was always going to come back to you. But Cloud - it’s not a fair thing to bet on. What did you guys even wager?”

“Well if he won he would never have to see my face ever again. And if I won he’d have to see my face a lot more.”

“That seems stupid.”

“Believe it or not but ‘ _stupid_ ’ is something we both needed.” Axel’s voice came out a little labored and strained. The ease and composure he had held himself with all morning seemed to slip for a brief moment, but he dipped back into it seamlessly. 

“I knew this day would come when you and I were together again, but Zack -” Axel’s eyes narrowed and he turned his head to the side, glancing out over the city far below. “Well you know your brother best, right?”

Roxas felt sorry for Zack. “I can’t let you win that bet. This needs to be a fair competition.”

The smirk on Axel’s face returned. “You want to make a bet with me too then, Roxy? I don’t think you’ll be able to resist me. Especially not when I turn on my charm.” Axel moved in towards Roxas, placing a warm hand on his cheek and another on Roxas’ hip.

“Oh please, what charm?” Not wanting to betray himself Roxas tried to still his heart and will the heat to stop rising to his cheeks, where Axel was stroking him softly.

Roxas’ fidgeting elicited a laugh out of the back of Axel’s throat. “I bet that you’ll come before I ever do,” breathed Axel into Roxas’ ear.

The heat next to his ear and the words sent tingles down Roxas’ spine.

“And that includes ejaculating if you masturbate by yourself - in a closet somewhere - because I’m driving you _crazy_ with lust.”

Roxas breathed deeply, desperate to keep his arousal in check. “So we can fool around, just not come?” Roxas watched as Axel nodded with an intensifying smirk.

“As long as you hold out I won’t claim my victory over Zack. But - when you eventually lose -,” Roxas scoffed at that but Axel continued, smirk turning into a grin, “I said _when_ you eventually lose I’ll be able to lord it over you for the rest of your life. Deal?”

“No deal,” refused Roxas.

Axel huffed. “What do you propose then?”

“If I lose you drop your stupid bet with Zack, regardless. You can still lord it over me for the rest of my life, but you leave Zack alone.”

Roxas watched as Axel’s eyes narrowed, thinking about it. “I’m not really _gaining_ anything here.”

“If you don’t agree to these terms you will _never_ win. Don’t underestimate how stubborn I can be. If I win I’ll lord it over _you_ for the rest of your life, and trust me, that’s a pretty great incentive. Coupled with protecting Zack, makes for some pretty stubborn Roxas.”

Roxas looked at Axel with a dangerous smirk, which seemed to light something in Axel.

“I dunno, Roxy. The thought of breaking you when so much is at stake is pretty tempting.” Axel dipped his head down to nip at Roxas’ bottom lip, and licked his own lips once he pulled away. “But alright. I’ll drop the Zack thing out of the graciousness of my own heart. It will just be a battle of our wills. You, against me. That sounds pretty fun in its own right. We have a deal.”

Roxas reached up in delight, pulling Axel’s head down, and ravaged his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This end note is Xposted on Chapter 20 of _A Place To Belong_ (with minor changes to the text below to make it more relevant to the other fic)-  
>  \--  
> Hey guys, this is the first chapter of many that have cross over phone conversations and content with my other fics in this series. If you've read _A Place To Belong_ chapter 20 it be great to get some feedback on how you are finding it. I mean... it won't change anything, coz I'm not rewriting anything, but for possible future fics it might be nice to know if this kind of jumping between fics is fun or annoying. 
> 
> Let me know if it feels repetitive. I tried to add different perspectives, instead of just copy and paste the text, coz that would be boring. Let me know if its entertaining, or any other thoughts and ideas that pop into your head.
> 
> Or leave your feedback for later, until you've experienced a bit more of it to form an opinion on whether or not you like this style. But _do_ please leave me feedback at some point :)
> 
> And it be great to also hear from people who have no interest in reading the other fic (coz you don't care about Clack or whatever). I'm interested to know what kind of a picture gets painted for you. Does it satisfy your curiosity regarding what might be going on in the other fic enough so that you don't feel you need to read that fic? Or might there be certain things later on down the track that pique your interest to make the switch and start reading the other fic?
> 
> Again, any and all feedback is very welcome. I need to learn what works and what doesn't work.
> 
> If you have any opinions on how you would prefer to have these chapters uploaded let me know as well. This is one thing I CAN actually change. 
> 
> There will be a tremendous time jump happening. Chapter 21 of A Place To Belong corresponds with chapter 7 of The Clock Tower. I'm only up to posting chapter 3 of TCT this weekend. So would you wait to read chapters 3 through to 7 of TCT before reading Chapter 21 of APTB? Or would you just read the chapters as they come out and say 'fuck continuity'?
> 
> I really want to get your opinion. I don't think the fact that the fics don't line up neatly side by side should be a huge issue. I mean, there might be _slight_ spoilers for one or the other fic, depending on which one you wanna read, but again, you need to tell me what you think or I won't know. I'm too close to this series, and know it too intimately to get an objective view of what is good and what is rubbish. If you read something at some point and you think it needs a spoiler warning let me know so I can add it to the notes so future readers can be made aware and proceed with caution.
> 
> Cheers guys. Your opinions and ideas will be very important moving forward from this point onward :)
> 
>  
> 
> **~Cream Pudding.**


	3. The Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bathtubs and presents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realised that I will have no time to post this tomorrow so you lucky ducks get it a day early! *throws confetti*

Roxas had followed Axel’s car closely behind on his bike. Axel said he had moved up in the world, as well as apartments, since they had last been together. It explained why Roxas had found Axel dressed in business attire, which he hadn’t fully noticed until the excitement of their reunion had somewhat faded away.

Sports car and motorcycle trailed each other into the heart of the city, stopping inside of an underground private car parking area of a very fancy looking building. 

Roxas felt somewhat uncomfortable and out of place riding the very plush looking elevator. Everything was crisp and clean and Roxas was disheveled, dragging and dropping mud and bits of nature wherever he went. He shifted his backpack, only becoming aware of how much more mud flaked off from it.

He received unsavory looks from other passengers on the ride upwards. Axel however wrapped a reassuring arm around Roxas’ waist, pulling him close to his side. Axel didn’t seem to care how much muck he got on his white business shirt. It made Roxas smile and lean into the other man warmly.

They got off at the top floor, which was a penthouse suite. The space was bright and open, with a magnificent view of the Imperial Garden and it’s lakes, where they had once swum long ago. Roxas kicked his shoes off, and dropped his bag, not wanting to dirty the light furnishings. He followed Axel into the main living space. 

The first thing he saw was a grand fireplace. Roxas smiled to himself. He knew Axel loved to burn things. That had probably been a pivotal item for the man when deciding on this particular penthouse. Roxas gave a low whistle as he walked around and explored more of the space, all the while feeling Axel’s eyes trained on him. 

Roxas stopped in front of the lavish dining table and looked at the familiar picture which hung framed on the wall adjacent to the table. A frown played on Roxas’ face. It felt like there were reminders of Roxas all over Axel’s life. The frown melted away when arms appeared around Roxas’ shoulders and a warm body pressed against his back.

Axel’s face nuzzled against Roxas’. 

“You like it hanging there?”

Roxas thought about it for a moment. The truth was that he wasn’t sure. A part of him was elated that he meant so much to Axel, and the other part couldn’t let go of feeling like a terrible human being. He opted for one of his brothers strategies, and attempted to deflect. 

“You’ve got a really nice place, Axel. What have you been up to in the last three years?” Roxas glanced at Axel and saw the smile falter briefly in green eyes. Roxas figured he needed more practice at that certain skill. But Axel obliged him whilst leading Roxas to the bathroom.

“Well, after you left I moped around a little. Zack and I spent a lot of time together, sulking. I figured I needed to make a better life for myself though, so I could support you and make this place safe for you to come back to.” Axel had lead Roxas into the bathroom which was bigger than any Roxas had ever seen. 

Axel busied himself with filling up the bathtub, which was square in shape, like a spa and sat in the middle of the room. “I took care of your Sephiroth problem, Roxy. Like I said I would.”

“You - what? How?” Roxas couldn’t believe that Axel was responsible for it. “You made him go and commit himself?” The skepticism was evident in Roxas’ voice.

Axel moved from the bathtub, which was happily filling up and steaming. “Yeah. You probably don’t know this but my father and Sephiroth grew up together. They went to the same boarding school for a while and kept in close contact after father had left.” 

Roxas was stunned, and slightly freaked out at how small the world seemed. Again, what were the chances of Axel having such a connection with the man whom had been his legal guardian and his brothers tormentor?

Axel was beginning to tug on Roxas’ clothes, trying to remove them. Roxas moved away, feeling a little shy.

“You think I was joking about washing you?”

“Ah - well - I…” Roxas felt himself blush, causing Axel to smile gently.

“If you won’t let me wash you at least let me wash your clothes.”

“Let me take my own clothes off. I’m not a baby.”

Axel backed off, with raised hands. “Maybe not a baby, but definitely a spoil sport,” came the retort along with a toothy grin. 

He sat himself down on the lip of the bath once more and busied himself with adding a scented bubble bath mixture to the water. Axel breathed in the aroma and imagined what it would smell like coming off Roxas’ naked and fresh body. 

Pulling himself back to the present moment however he continued his story.

“So anyway, my father’s got connections. I spoke to him. I pulled some strings. I made him keep Sephiroth busy with other appointments and engagements, to get him out of your hair. I impressed my old man so much with my acumen in manipulating him that it restored some of his faith in me. That’s the sort of messed up family I come from, Roxy. When you can screw over your own family it nets you respect.” Axel laughed cheerfully. “He got me on board with his company's business dealings after that. I worked my way up and now live a pretty cushy lifestyle.” Axel peeked at Roxas who had stripped down completely at that point but had grabbed a towel to hide behind.

“Are you happy living like that, though? I thought you didn’t care about impressing your family. I thought you didn’t care about what anyone thought of you.”

“And I still don’t,” huffed Axel defensively. “I am actually really happy doing what I’m doing now. I feel like I’m sticking it to my old man. Like he can’t ignore me now, even if he doesn't like me,” laughed Axel. “And that feels good. But the main point is that this job gave me a purpose while I was waiting for you. It filled up my time, and hell, I actually found something else, other than cooking, that I’m good at.”

Roxas had moved to stand closer to Axel, towel firmly clasped around his shoulders. “I’m glad that you also lived your own life while you waited for me. I’m sorry for having made you wait for so long though.” Roxas couldn’t help the way his brow knitted and the way his eyes cast themselves to the tiled floor.

Roxas felt a hand on his cheek and lifted his eyes to look at Axel, who was still sitting on the lip of the fast filling tub. A loving smile was offered up to help lighten Roxas’ mood.

“Again, what’s three years compared to the rest of our lives. Now c’mon. Get your sexy self into the bath. I promise I won’t look. Unless you want me to,” he said with a wink.

Roxas shook his head to answer Axel’s question. He felt weird that he was so shy around Axel all of a sudden. They had seen each other naked before. Roxas had been fully erect and ready to be screwed by Axel just two hours ago. And now he felt shy? Maybe it was the fact that Axel was still fully dressed...

Axel closed his eyes and placed his hands over them as well, for extra good measure. Roxas walked closer to the tub, dropped the towel and quickly sank into the smooth hot liquid, saying, “That still doesn’t explain why Sephiroth’s in hospital right now. It was all over the news, but -,” Roxas moaned slightly as he sank further down into the delightful warmth, “no one seems to know what’s wrong with him,” ventured Roxas again, getting back on track with their previous conversation.

He sighed with pleasure. 

Sleeping rough and riding for twelve plus hours a day had taken its toll on his muscles. 

Axel opened his eyes again at the sounds Roxas was making. He looked at the contented face and his heart pounded erratically.

Axel grazed his hand along Roxas’ bicep where a dark bruise had formed. 

“You got beat up again?”

Roxas looked at what Axel was referring to.

“You know that thing that Yuffie told you about ‘ _breaking you_ ’ if you hurt me? Well she ain’t kidding,” grinned Roxas. “That was her ‘ _good-bye_ ’ punch. So imagine what it would look like if she were _actually_ pissed at someone!” Roxas laughed with a lot of affection.

Axel smiled at Roxas, content that this bruise wasn’t caused by anything menacing.

“Remember that time we were both beat up by your brother?” chuckled Axel. “Would you rate this punch better or worse than that time?”

“Reminiscing fondly already, I see.” Roxas smiled up at Axel softly. “As far as being a _‘I got punched_ ’ connoisseur goes, I’d say this one was definitely ‘ _better’_.” It was good to be back and to see the man he had shared some pretty significant moments in his life with.

Axel continued stroking Roxas, and hummed in the back of his throat as if deeply appreciating Roxas’ insight into the matter of getting hit. “I see,” he said thoughtfully.

They both laughed but Axel’s relaxed smile eventually faded away as he answered Roxas’ question.

“Last year I confronted Sephiroth,” Axel said heavily, moving from bruised arm to playing with Roxas’ hair, but not looking into his blue eyes. “He was making it abundantly clear in his own way that he was about to leave to go look for you. I ripped into him, Roxy. I baited him, I manipulated him. I did everything my father would be proud of. I got a confession out of him. I got him to slip up and admit what he had done to your brother. And I recorded it. I had - I have - hard proof.” 

Roxas looked up at Axel in disbelief, mouth agape. 

“My father could no longer deny what I was trying to tell him. The man wanted to protect Sephiroth at all costs. It’s understandable. I get it. They are like brothers. I don’t know how he did it, but father convinced him to go sort himself out in hospital. I would have loved to see him rot in jail, Roxy; for what he did to you and your brother. But I couldn’t have my wish. He put himself into a locked mental health ward instead. I figured as long as he was locked up somewhere, with people monitoring him, you would be safe. And it allowed you to come back to me.” 

Blue and green eyes finally locked onto each other.

“Thank you, Axel.” Roxas lifted himself out of the water a little so he could give the other man a kiss. Axel leaned forward to meet Roxas’ lips. The chaste kiss turned hungry within a few moments, however. Roxas’s hands went to Axel’s shirt buttons, working to undo them. Due to the water and bath foam though the endeavor was slippery and clumsy. Axel growled deep within his throat and all of a sudden hopped into the bath, fully clothed, pulling Roxas’ naked form close to himself. 

Water slapped and spilled as the level in the tub rose due to the two occupants now inhabiting the space. Roxas was pulled onto Axel’s lap and his buttock was cupped and massaged by Axel while Roxas put in a renewed effort to unbutton the shirt.

Axel released Roxas’ mouth for a brief moment and huskily said, “Just rip it open, Roxy. I have a million of these things.”

Roxas followed orders and roughly pulled the shirt apart with more satisfaction than he thought possible. The bath water was hot, but Axel’s bare skin felt even hotter. Roxas ran his fingers all over Axel’s bare and well defined chest, trailing kisses down the man’s neck, and grazing his teeth across skin and nipples. Roxas thought Axel had filled out a little since he last saw him like this. His hands trailed down hard and lithe abs to Axel’s submerged pants.

The pants were easier to open than the shirt had proven to be. Once the fly was undone and Roxas’ hands began tracing the outline of Axel’s erection beneath briefs, Axel haphazardly flipped them over so Roxas was beneath him. More water flooded over the edge, steadily decreasing the water level being held within the actual bathtub.

Axel stripped the wet shirt off, which was still hanging off his arms, and stood up. Slowly, and teasingly Axel pulled his wet and clinging pants and briefs off. He watched Roxas greedily, in the way the other man’s breath hitched as Axel pulled the clinging materials off, revealing and freeing his painful erection. Axel kept his eyes on Roxas the whole time. Observing the way his chest rose and fell, heaving with desire. 

They had been apart for too long.

Clothes hit the tiled floor with a sopping _splosh_ and Axel submerged himself, embracing Roxas, kissing him and squeezing himself between the younger man’s legs. Axel’s erection expertly found it’s way to Roxas’ sphincter, and pushed gently. Roxas groaned a little into Axel’s mouth. Roxas wanted to feel that warm, hard shaft inside of himself. He wished it would be as easy as doing it with a girl.

Roxas moved his hips so Axel’s penis wasn’t driving him crazy anymore and instead peeled one of Axel’s hands off him, maneuvering it to his anus.

“Don’t think I have forgotten about that bet, Axel. I’m not going to come, but I still want you to fuck me.” Roxas breathed those words out in great, albeit shaking restraint. 

He had trouble focusing on Axel as a finger pushed into him. He cursed himself for having entered into this bet as another finger, and then a third was inserted. He squirmed in delight at the stretching and stroking. He reveled in Axel’s hot hand and mouth trailing over his chest and neck. The way that man pinched, caressed, and teased him was electrifying.

Roxas whimpered and trembled when Axel finally pushed himself all the way into Roxas. It was satisfying. Listening to the water slapping against the sides of the bath - listening to their skin slapping together - feeling that solid hard shaft penetrating him, over and over again - all of it was insanely gratifying. 

Roxas wanted to come. He wanted to release himself. He had waited so long for this moment, despite having forgotten just _how much_ he had wanted it. 

Roxas listened to Axel moaning and groaning about how ‘ _perfect_ ’ his little ass was. He looked at the lust and satisfaction on the others face as their eyes latched onto each other, and felt that it mirrored his own. He suddenly thought of Zack and Cloud and how they couldn’t have this. That thought hardened Roxas’ resolve suddenly. Axel and him could do this every day for the rest of their lives. They had found their happy ending, but Roxas’ brother still had a long way to go before he found his.

Roxas placed a firm hand on Axel’s chest as the man gave a particularly deep thrust, sending incredibly pleasant shivers through Roxas’ spine. With determination pulled up from somewhere deep within himself Roxas spoke up. “I’ve had enough, Axel. Get off me.” Axel didn’t seem to hear him at first, lost in his own pleasure. Roxas repeated himself, more sternly, and pulled his hips away as Axel was pulling back, resulting in them losing contact.

Axel startled out of his bliss and for a moment looked angry at having been stopped. It faded in a flash to be replaced by confusion. 

They were both breathing heavily, they were both aroused and wanting release. 

They were both denied. 

“The bet, remember?”

Axel groaned in frustration. “Let’s just keep going, Roxy.” 

Roxas felt Axel’s hand wrap itself around his penis and begin playing with his head, tugging at it and tracing along his sensitive slit. Roxas involuntarily pushed himself into Axel’s perfect hand as lust clouded his brain. But he shook himself out of it.

“No. If you can’t handle this then either call the bet off, or give in and lose first.”

“I don’t quit until I win, Roxy.”

“Neither do I.”

They both smirked dangerously at each other.

* * *

 

Roxas was left alone to finish bathing while Axel busied himself with getting Roxas’ things washed. Roxas opted for a cold shower after his hot bath, to help shake and dislodge the tingling sensation and the memory of how good Axel had felt inside of himself.

Roxas came out naked, feeling refreshed and far more comfortable in his own skin then when he had first set foot in the penthouse. He walked past Axel, not giving him a glance but knowing that those green eyes would be drinking in the sight. He found his backpack and rummaged through it for fresh clothes and got dressed where he stood.

Axel had prepared them lunch as time had flown by, leaving breakfast long behind. Roxas had really enjoyed the meal, giving Axel many compliments and reminiscing with him about how they met. Eventually the both of them moved to the lounge. Roxas cuddled and nestled himself against Axel’s body and told the man about his own cooking achievements in Wutai. 

Axel had been astounded and amazed, and Roxas also thought he could see pride there as well. It made Roxas feel giddy and loved. They spent several hours talking and catching up on what had been happening in each others lives until the intermittent buzzing of Axel’s phone became continuous. 

Axel sighed as he detangled himself unwillingly from Roxas’ roaming hands, and finally went and picked it up.

“This better be a life or death situation. The whole company knows that today’s my day off,” growled Axel. After a few moments he sighed in agitation and walked in the direction of his study where upon entering he shut the door behind himself.

Roxas stretched himself out on the lounge, listening to the silence of the apartment, and the indiscernible murmurings emanating from the study. Roxas couldn’t believe he was actually here. He couldn’t believe that today had happened and that everything felt like how it had always been between them.

Only things were even better now. The one fear in Roxas’ life was taken care of and locked away, and he had a much better sense of who he was now than he ever had whilst he and Cloud had been running. Roxas smiled at how comfortable he felt, despite still feeling weirdly out of place in such a fancy looking place.

The study door unclicked and Axel stalked out, irritation resting on his face. “I’ve got to go, Roxy. Apparently a big business deal is about to flunk through if I don’t show up and smooth things over.”

“That incredible charm of yours is needed elsewhere? I understand,” said Roxas solemnly. 

Axel’s irritation faltered and a smile appeared. Axel entered his walk-in-closet to get ready for work. His voice drifted from the depths. “I want you to make yourself at home, Roxy. Do and use whatever you like. I should be home in several hours if everything goes well.”

Roxas thought about the prospect of staying put in this place all by himself and didn’t feel happy about it. “I might go out. I’ve got people to catch up with. I’ve got apartments to look for.”

Axel poked his head out of the closet, buttoning up a shirt just like the one Roxas had ruined earlier in the bathtub. “Apartments?”

“Mm-hm. Where am I supposed to sleep otherwise? I promised myself that my days of sleeping rough are far behind me. I only sleep rough if I choose to do it now.”

“Well,” Axel came out of the closet, buttoning his dark blue business pants up and straightening out his expensive looking blazer. “You could accept your birthday present.”

Roxas looked quizzically at Axel. “You’ve actually got a birthday present for me?” Excitement welled inside of him.

“Of course. But the truth is I would be giving this to you no matter what day of the year you showed up.” Axel walked over to the jacket which Roxas remembered Axel to have worn earlier that morning. 

He watched as the man fished around one of the pockets. He produced a small blue box and walked over to where Roxas was still lounging. Roxas sat up in anticipation, feeling his heart begin to race with nervousness. Axel knelt, getting down on one knee in front of Roxas. He took Roxas’ hands in his own and pushed the box into his palms. Roxas’ eyes went wide. A memory of Yuffie crying about him getting married to Axel and having babies flashed before him.

“Axel.” Roxas looked down at the man he had forgotten. He didn’t like how quick everything was moving. He didn’t deserve so much devotion, especially not from Axel.

“Stop looking so worried and just open it already!” There was excitement in Axel’s voice, but also nervous energy.

Roxas did as he was asked, heart pounding. He opened it. The box was inlaid with yellow silk, almost the same color as Roxas’ hair. Roxas smiled as he picked up the key that sat inside of the box.

“I want you to live with me. I don’t ever want to have to wait, or be without you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 puts the E in Explicit ;)


	4. Relationship Status

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas’ birthday dinner makes him wonder if he’s actually officially in a relationship with Axel.

Roxas had agreed to stay with Axel, which started a round of passionate kisses between the two of them. Axel’s phone buzzing however drew them both back to reality and after a few more kisses, and Axel pleading with Roxas to not go anywhere, Axel had left.

Roxas busied himself with ‘ _making himself at home_ ’. He stored his meager possessions in the empty part of the closet which he assumed had always been reserved for himself. Roxas felt strange at how easily he could slot himself into Axel’s life. Axel had left him a hole he could perfectly fit into. Roxas had never experienced something like that in his life.

He familiarized himself with everything in the penthouse, browsed through the entertainment packages on the television, and perused Axel’s extensive bookshelves. There were a lot of books regarding business management, which put Roxas to sleep if he really spent any more than five minutes reading them. Roxas became far more interested in Axel’s cookbooks, of which there were a lot. Roxas became determined to cook Axel some dinner, but while he was reading up about the perfect way to glaze a roast he still managed to fall asleep from exhaustion.

Roxas felt his hair being brushed and then that warm sensation drifted to his cheek. Roxas smiled and opened his eyes. His smile broadened at the sight of green eyes. “It wasn’t a dream. Today is actually real. _You_ are real,” breathed Roxas sleepily. 

The smile which Roxas’ comment elicited from Axel made Roxas forget how to breath for a moment.

“I’d carry you to bed, but you’ve grown too big for that now.” Lips curled into a gentle smile before being pressed against Roxas’ mouth.

“You need to try harder, work out more. Do some squats,” said Roxas, clasping his hands behind Axel’s neck, pulling their foreheads together. “How was work? Did you land your deal?”

“Of course. The company would be lost without me. But c’mon, I’m taking you out to dinner. I don’t think that _Yuffie_ chick would approve of me _not_ taking you out on your birthday.” 

* * *

 

Although there had never been a real choice Roxas agreed to go with Axel. Roxas put on the nicest clothes he had available to him, but still felt underdressed when they arrived at their destination. 

There were chandeliers everywhere and glasses clinking, as well as quiet and polite murmurs from people having conversations over their meals.

Roxas felt like people were staring at him, yet again. He felt out of place. He thought that high society didn’t suit him one bit. He also couldn’t get his head around how high society even suited Axel, for that matter.

Axel acted the perfect gentleman, pulling Roxas’ chair out for him, ordering them wine and anything else he thought Roxas might enjoy. From time to time men and women in suits and formal garb would pass by, recognize Axel, and start brief and polite conversations with him. They ranged from business related talk, which Roxas understood nothing of, to inquiring about Axel’s family, as well as asking who Axel was dining with. 

Roxas took note of how Axel chose to introduce Roxas to people. He seemed to have turned into ‘ _a friend from out of town’_. It seemed to Roxas that the more important and pompous the people looked the more Axel disassociated himself from having a relationship with Roxas. So much so that he became ‘ _an acquaintance_ ’ at some point. 

It hurt a little, but Roxas didn’t hold it against Axel. He was just playing the business game, afterall. Roxas felt like if he wasn’t already with Axel but saw the man right now, he would feel completely out of his league. He could understand why Axel couldn’t proudly state that both of them were together. But even that thought seemed strange. Were they even together?

“Hey Roxas.” His name coming out of Axel’s mouth like that seemed unfamiliar and strange. It took Roxas a moment to realize that Axel was actually speaking to him.

“Are you ok? You’re kind of quiet, and you haven't touched your desert.” Axel had been busy shovelling pudding into his mouth.

“I really don’t think this is my scene, Axel. I’m used to pubs and bars. People shouting and laughing. I feel like I’m in a library right now.” Roxas poked his chocolate cake with extra whipping. The cream made him remember the last time they had dined out on his birthday. They had so much fun. It had been such an incredibly different experience compared to the one he was currently having.

Even those ‘ _fancy_ ’ places from the past probably looked like a raucous and uncouth eateries compared to where they were right now. Suddenly Roxas missed _home_. He missed Wutai and it’s casualness. He imagined what kind of a party Selphie would have organized for him. One with a lot of noise and fun. Roxas bit back tears.

Axel dropped his spoon. “I’m sorry, Roxy. I didn’t realize -,” Axel reached across the table and clutched Roxas’ hand, which was holding the desert fork. Roxas felt soothed by Axel’s human touch. He wasn’t beyond his reach afterall.

“C’mon, let’s blow this joint. I’ll take you somewhere fun.”

* * *

 

Axel had been true to his word. They went to a bar with a nightclub attached. The music was deafening, the people were intoxicated and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Roxas felt at ease. 

Axel plied Roxas with drinks and they danced together. Sweat rolled and hands roamed. Roxas was relieved to see that this side of Axel still existed. Roxas however regretfully was beginning to wilt as fatigue finally couldn’t be held at bay any longer.

On seeing this Axel took Roxas by the hand and began leading them out, heading for home. On their way out however they ran into three men who seemed to know Axel quite well.

“Hey, hey, hey! If it isn’t Axel! How ya been doin’ buddy?” said a man with long black hair tied up in a pony tail. Roxas had seen plenty of scars on the people he met in Wutai so given this man’s eyepatch and long gash across the left side of his face he wouldn’t put it past this guy having been involved in that conflict at some point.

“I’ve been good, Xigbar. Finally making something of myself,” Axel chuckled. “How about you?”

“The military’s still driving me crazy. You’re lucky you got out when you did,” scoffed Xigbar.

“We are so sick of hearing you complain about your life choices, Xiggy! Give us a break!” bemoaned a guy standing next to him with a blonde mohawk-mullet type haircut. It was rather distinct and odd looking, though Roxas. 

“Who’s your friend, Axel?” asked the blonde. 

“Guess,” said Axel simply and threw out a snide grin. 

This caused the blonde’s eyes to widen, as if that was all the explanation he needed to be introduced to Roxas.

“No way! _This is Roxas_?” The blonde jumped and walked straight towards Roxas to shake hands. “So you truly _do_ exist! Axel here has been crazy about you for _years._ ”

Roxas just smiled from the heart as his hand was being shaken.

“We were ninty-nine-point-nine percent certain that he had dreamt you up,” came a more quiet voice from behind Xigbar’s location. Steely-blue hair appeared and one eye looked at Roxas, as if to inspect and make sure he truly wasn't a ghost or a figment of Axel’s imagination.

“Speak for yourself, Zexy. I always believed that Axel wasn’t _completely_ crazy. I always put your existence at about fifty-fifty,” laughed the blonde brashly while still vigorously shaking Roxas’ hand. “But now we have proof, Zexy!” 

“Cut it out, Demyx.” Axel slapped Demyx’s hands away, freeing Roxas.

“So you two blokes officially on a hot date or somethin’ ?” asked Xigbar with mild curiosity.

“We’re just on our way home to consummate our _hot date_.” 

Roxas couldn’t help but laugh at the way Axel had said that, and the way in which Demyx’s eyes had widened in shock.

“Ciao, guys!” Axel gave them a casual salute and wrapped an arm very low around Roxas’ hips, leading the man out.

Roxas got out a quick ‘ _Nice to meet you_ ’ accompanied by a smile and a wave before they turned to leave.

On the way home Roxas had grilled Axel about how he knew those guys. Roxas had been very shocked to find out that Axel knew Xigbar through having been sent to the army when he was just 16 as a form of punishment from his father. Roxas had never really heard of, or even questioned how Axel even knew Zack. So to find out that Zack had been directly responsible for Axel’s wellbeing and safety was astonishing. 

Roxas felt like he had to remember to thank Zack, and felt even more determined now to not let Axel win the bet, as punishment for ever having made the stupid deal with Zack in the first place. Or at the very least make sure to get Cloud back to Radiant Gardens, because he wasn’t sure if he could last if Axel kept rubbing him the way he was doing whilst they were driving home.

Roxas had however lasted, and held on. Even when Axel had him naked on the bed, fucking him and teasing, stroking and licking Roxas’ erection, he had held on. In the end it was Axel who had to stop as he felt himself edging too close.

“Why do you have to be so stubborn, Roxy?” pouted Axel, breathing heavily and laying naked next to an equally breathy Roxas. 

Roxas only turned his head in exhaustion and squeezed out a goofy grin. 

“Because family is more important than anything. You can always drop the bet, Axel.”

“Never. This is too much fun. Unsatisfying, sure, but hell lot of fun.” Axel squeezed and stroked Roxas’ erection, causing Roxas to squirm and yelp before he managed to swat Axel’s hand away from his overly sensitive and painful private parts.

“See,” chuckled Axel.

Roxas returned the favor to Axel, whom he was sure was far more painfully aroused than he was.

“Yeah, you’re right. It _is_ fun,” taunted Roxas, echoing Axel’s earlier sentiment as he elicited a squirming reaction from the man.

Roxas rolled over after a few moments, wrapping an arm around Axel’s bare chest and nestling his head in the crook of the other man's neck.

“This is it for us now, right Axel? This is us in a relationship. I’m your boyfriend, yeah?” Roxas wanted to hear it from the man himself. Roxas received a firm squeeze of his shoulder and a kiss on his forehead.

“Yes Roxy. You’re my boyfriend, and I’m yours. You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted in my life.” The smile that played on Axel’s face was unmistakably genuine and heartfelt. 

Roxas’ heart fluttered and he was able to fall asleep with ease, resting in his boyfriend's arms.


	5. Misunderstanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas loses track of time, which causes some anxiety for Axel.

When they both awoke the next day Axel loudly announced how great it was to finally not have to rise before the crack of dawn to go catch the sunrise. He followed that up with a proposal for celebratory sex, which Roxas didn’t want to say no to. 

They fought and wrestled against each other, trying to make the other climax first. Their foreplay was brief because all the unfulfilled tension from yesterday was still fresh in their bodies, and their erections came faster and more painfully than even last night. 

Roxas laughed at Axel’s complaints about them having to go to hospital for blue ball syndrome if Roxas didn’t hurry up and give in. Roxas just threw the comment back in Axel’s face, putting the onus on the other man instead.

They kissed each other as Axel headed out to work and Roxas was left by himself, getting restless. He saw no reason as to why he should stay cooped up inside all day, so headed downstairs to find his bike. Luckily for Roxas the key Axel had provided him with also granted him access to the garage, otherwise he would have been trapped.

Roxas went and did some shopping. He bought himself new clothes with the money he had earned for himself while working in Wutai. He figured he had enough for at least a month, but Roxas really hoped to find work before he ran out. He didn’t feel comfortable living off Axel’s abundant income. He wasn’t content with being a house-wife. 

Roxas did several trips that day. Hauling groceries and clothes back to the penthouse. He occasionally stopped during his day to answer phone calls from his friends in Wutai, and of course Cloud too.

By late afternoon Roxas had decided that he wanted to see if Sora was still living at his parents place. Roxas had visited his place but had found it empty. Roxas then spent the remaining afternoon chatting with Sora’s parents who were delighted to see Roxas again, especially after he just disappeared. 

Roxas had to give some lame excuse as to what had happened to him, and apologized profusely for ever having worried them. Sora’s parents provided Roxas with Sora’s contact number, and informed him that Sora had left with Riku to attend a university in Midgar. They had also kindly offered to rent the apartment in the backyard to Roxas if he ever needed a place to stay, for which he thanked them profusely.

Roxas returned after sunset, feeling content, and eager to give Sora a call as soon as he had made dinner for Axel.

Roxas arrived at the penthouse and let himself into the living area. The smell of wood burning drifted to Roxas’ nose and he saw the fireplace had been lit. The flame inside was crackling and hissing.

“I’m back,” greeted Roxas cheerfully, seeing Axel rush towards him and engulf him in a tremendous hug. Roxas hugged him back and went to kiss him until he saw the look of anger on Axel’s face.

“Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick! I saw all the groceries, and the new clothes - but you weren’t here. I thought something happened to you!” Axel’s voice had become increasingly frantic.

Roxas was startled at Axel’s reaction. “I just visited Sora’s parents. I was hoping to-”

“Don’t do that to me, Roxas! Don’t scare me like that! I can’t have you disappear on me. Not again. Give me your phone.” The command came so abruptly, and firmly that it left Roxas completely stunned.

Roxas just stammered while Axel angrily reached into Roxas’ pocket where he had seen the man put his phone previously.

“Hey, cut that out! What are you doing?”

“I’m putting your number in my phone. I should have done it yesterday, but completely forgot.”

Roxas felt irritated at Axel treating him like a child.

“Why’s my number not in your phone? I thought Zack put it in there.” Axel kept looking more pissed off the more seconds ticked past.

“Zack did put it in. But -,” Roxas’ eyes narrowed as Axel’s eyes narrowed, “it got deleted by accident, a year ago.”

Axel huffed firmly out of his nose and grumbled while he put his number back where it belonged. He then called himself from Roxas’ phone so he could save the number. After he pushed the phone back into Roxas’ chest, none too gently, he stormed off towards the kitchen.

“Axel, what’s wrong. Why are you being this way?” Roxas found Axel leaning on, and clutching the granite countertop, shoulders quaking. 

“I was so worried about you. I was scared, Roxas.”

Roxas walked over and rubbed Axel’s back. “You don’t have to worry about me. As long as Sephiroth is locked up there’s nothing to worry about. I should have left you a note. I’m sorry.” Roxas said gently. He could feel Axel calming down a little and even a flicker of a smile twitched across his lips.

“Sit down and let me make you some ramen, ok?” 

Axel obliged and watched as Roxas got to work.

After the discomfort of Axel’s outburst had died down Roxas felt himself relax into his prep. Axel’s eyes were trained on Roxas, eliciting waves of pleasure as memories flooded him of their encounter in the school’s kitchens, years earlier. Roxas glanced at Axel periodically and would always be left blushing to see how attentive Axel was being to everything he did. The man gave him compliments. Roxas felt proud of how far he had come and that Axel was able to see it too.

At some point Axel moved to stand behind Roxas, pressing his body, as well as kisses, against the chef. Roxas was certain that they would have the sweetest dessert after their main course.

* * *

 

Roxas was more careful from that day onward about keeping Axel in the loop regarding where he was heading during his days. Roxas smiled every time he received a message from Axel. Sometimes it would come randomly through the day, sending tingles of joy through Roxas because he knew Axel was thinking about him. Other times Roxas would send a status update on how he was doing or just a random thought he had during the day. Without fail he would always be greeted with his notification sound ringing several moments later, to indicate that Axel had replied.

If Roxas wasn’t so happy he thought he might be disgusted with himself at how in love he was right now. Other than that blow-up Axel had displayed over their misunderstanding, everything was perfect. 

Roxas kept himself occupied during the days, sorting out his affairs and re-familiarizing himself with the city. And during the nights Axel and Roxas drove each other crazy with lust. Always one of them would call it quits, not wanting to be the loser in this fight. They always ended the night with kisses and fell asleep clinging to each other.

Roxas began to spend his days looking for work. At first Axel had insisted that Roxas needn’t do that - that he could provide for the both of them. But Roxas let him know that it wasn’t just the money, but the sense of self-worth, and the feeling that he was doing a good thing for others, which was the reason why he needed to get a job. His money would run out eventually, and Roxas still had to send paychecks back to Wutai to keep the soup kitchen going, despite his absence there. 

Roxas still wanted to work in a kitchen somewhere, cooking food for people, and making others happy. Axel had just smiled at him and said that it was ‘ _such a Roxas thing to say._ ’ It had resulted in some intensely sensual touches and kisses between them, instead of the usually hungry and excited exchanges they shared. 

Roxas felt that if they hadn’t been interrupted by a phone call from Cloud he would have probably lost the bet that day. He was grateful to Cloud and his sense of timing.


	6. An Old Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas stops being lazy and makes an effort to go visit Zack.

It had been three weeks since Roxas arrived at Radiant Gardens before he realized he hadn’t been to see Zack yet. Roxas had been busy going for trials in kitchens, working a short shift here and there to see if he liked the place, and for the employers to gauge if they would like to work with Roxas too. So far he had gotten mostly positive feedback but he had informed them all that he would be in touch with his decision. He hadn’t really found a place he was completely comfortable with just yet. There was something that felt was missing. Roxas couldn’t put his finger on it.

Roxas let Axel know that he would be home late tonight on account of paying Zack a visit. Axel had written a snide remark back about Roxas trying to weasel his way out of their bet in a most cowardly way, causing Roxas to erupt in laughter. This would result in payback tonight, Roxas thought.

Roxas headed to Zack’s warehouse late in the afternoon. He figured that this would be his best chance to catch the man and not be a nuisance. He had never driven there himself but he knew the way quite well. 

Excitement flooded him. 

He always enjoyed reconnecting with old friends, and he definitely considered Zack one of his best and most important friends.

The place still looked the same, with the only change being that more businesses seemed to have sprung up here and there. 

Roxas swung his bike into a parking spot with some style and left his helmet behind. He saw Zack’s van parked out the front with relief. The man was evidently in. There was a bounce in Roxas’ step as he knocked before letting himself into the warehouse through the side door as the shutters were closed.

Zack was sitting at his desk and abruptly stood up, causing the chair to loudly screeching against concrete, and clatter to the floor due to the sheer force of the movement. 

“Cloud?!”

The smile on Roxas’ face faltered. A pang of guilt washed over him. Of course Zack would only have one man on his mind, and Roxas looked very much like a younger version of Cloud. He hoped Zack wouldn’t feel embarrassed or uncomfortable once he discovered that it was only Roxas who had shown up. 

“Cloud’s not back yet, but he told me to let you know that he promises he’ll be back one day.” Roxas had tried to deliver that message with as much enthusiasm and hope as he could muster. It had been such a cop out for Cloud to say he’d be back ‘ _one day’_. He wanted to give Zack a more concrete answer than that.

The disappointment was obvious on Zack’s face, but it quickly switched back to a smile. Zack left his desk and ran lightly to greet Roxas. “Wow, Rox, you’ve sure grown up!” 

They both embraced in a tight hug, and Roxas felt like Zack held on a fraction too long, but he really didn’t mind. Zack pulled away and ran a hand through Roxas’ hair to reveal more of his face

“It’s really uncanny. - And you’re so tall now, too!” Zack laughed goodnaturedly.

Roxas felt a blush begin to spread across his face. “Yeah, but when you see us both together you’ll see that we look really different from one another. Cloud looks more like dad now, I think. I still take after mom.”

“I hope I get to see that.”

Roxas felt his heart breaking for the other man.

“Is everything alright, Zack?” came a voice from the storeroom where Roxas had spent so much of his time in the past.

A boy a few years younger than Roxas emerged, and Zack beamed at him. “Yeah, Denzel. Come over here. Do you remember Roxas? He visited the church once.”

Denzel walked over, with a friendly smile on his face. “Cloud’s brother, right? I remember you.”

They shook hands amicably.

“Denzel helps me with the deliveries nowadays.”

“Wow, that’s great news!” Roxas smiled broadly at Denzel, who returned a shy smile back.

“You got time to join us for dinner, Rox?”

He grinned and nodded eagerly. “Just like old times.” Roxas followed Denzel and Zack upstairs while quickly typing out a message to Axel.

* * *

 

Roxas had regaled Zack and Denzel with stories of what he had been up to since getting to Radiant Gardens over dinner. They hadn’t really spoken about what exactly happened over the last three years though. Zack seemed really hesitant to ask, and Denzel didn’t know enough about Roxas’ situation to realize that there was even anything to ask about.

After dinner Denzel excused himself so he could spend more time tinkering in his little workshop, in the storeroom downstairs. Zack and Denzel had spent some time converting the space to something more useful over the years. Zack had also made some other adjustments to his living space. He put additional walls up in his living space so Denzel had somewhere comfortable to sleep.

There was also a picture frame hung next to Zack’s Uncle’s sword. Roxas was looking at it after dinner when Zack came and stood next to him.

“I’ve never seen this photo before. Cloud looks so young,” marveled Roxas. 

It had clearly been taken from afar while the both of them had been working outside at the church. It looked like Zack was in the middle of saying something, a giant smile plastered on his face, and a hand on Cloud’s shoulder, while Cloud just smiled in his quiet way that said ‘ _I really like this’._ Roxas couldn’t remember the last time he saw Cloud so happy.

It was kind of sad.

“Aerith took it on our first day together at the church. She’s like a super spy,” chuckled Zack in amusement. “She actually took a bunch of photos. Do you want to see them?”

Roxas nodded and followed Zack into his bedroom where the other man pulled a box out from under his bed. Roxas noted that there was another photo of Zack and Cloud amongst the frames on Zack’s night stand. It had been taken while the two had been resting under a tree. They both looked fast asleep, leaning against each other peacefully. Roxas felt angry all of a sudden at Cloud’s stupidity. How could he ever worry that Zack wouldn’t like him anymore?

Zack showed Roxas a lot of photos. Not just candid ones of him and Cloud together, but a lot of the children too, and how they were growing up. As well as photos of all the restoration work that was finally happening at the church itself.

“Woah, that’s a lot of work being done. How is Aerith doing? I was thinking of stopping by on the way up but I didn’t have enough time.” 

“She’s doing really well. Would you believe she actually found herself a boyfriend? He’s a fair bit older, and she likes to point out that he’s also _‘way more mature’_ ,” laughed Zack, scrunching up his nose in amused disgust at the idea of being ‘ _mature’_. “He helps her hold the Church together, and discipline the children. They’re all getting older, and some of them have that need to rebel. I’m sure you know all about that.” Zack bumped Roxas’ shoulder playfully and gave him a wink. Roxas sniggered quietly to himself. He certainly did, and still knew to this day what that was like.

Zack continued to speak, “The guy’s instigated most of the renovations, and with the boys getting older and stronger they can help out a lot too. Things are going really well over there.”

“Word’s gotten around about the orphanage, so from time to time she gets new charges to look after. All the older kids love getting new kids coming in. It makes their family bigger. So, things are pretty good for all of them.”

Zack packed the box and its contents away again and walked into the main living area to sit on the lounge instead. 

Roxas followed and joined him. 

“How are you holding up, Zack?” asked Roxas gently.

Zack looked over into Roxas’ concerned eyes. He couldn’t hold the gaze for too long however because it stung too much to look into that face which was so much like Cloud’s, yet wasn’t him. 

“I’m alright Roxas. I have my good and bad days. Business is going really well. I was wondering why Axel hadn’t been around to bother me lately, but I guess I know the answer now.” Zack laughed wholeheartedly before his brow furrowed. “And yet - given that you’re here, I’d have expected to see him around a lot more, actually.”

Roxas laughed. “Axel told me about your stupid bet. Why did you even enter into it? You know how Cloud can get.” Roxas was a bit sorry after he had said that. It was probably really insensitive. “I didn’t mean -.”

“It’s fine, Rox,” smiled Zack. “I think I was feeling a bit cocky at the time. I needed something to take my mind off worrying about the two of you.” 

“I’m sorry that we made you worry. But we’re both really ok. I was working at a restaurant and even opened my own soup kitchen. Cloud’s been keeping busy learning the mechanics trade. I know he’s still working towards his dreams. I know he will come back here.” Roxas lowered his voice and looked at his clenched fists in his lap, “It might just take some time.”

Zack gave a soft yet bright smile and sighed with relief. “I’m glad to hear that, Roxas. In truth, not knowing what was going on with the two of you was the hardest part. Having you here is reassuring. It means things are ok, and that’s all I ever wanted to know.” 

Zack looked like he was debating something in his head, his mouth opening to ask something but then hesitantly closing it again.

“What do you want to ask?”

Zack’s eyes still searched the recesses of his mind for something before he would spit it out. “Is Cloud happy?”

Now it was Roxas’ turn to search for an answer. “The truth, Zack?”

Zack nodded.

“I don’t know. He -.” Roxas shook his head. He really didn’t think he could say anything else. Roxas was wondering if he would be betraying Cloud’s confidence if he told Zack anything about what his brother had been going through over the past year or so. He wondered if it would hurt Zack to know the truth. But he wanted Zack to know. He wanted to work something out with Zack; a plan to get his brother happy again. 

“He - doesn't feel like he can be happy without you. But he’s scared to come back. I’m sorry. I can’t give you a better answer than that.”

Roxas saw the deep frown on Zack’s face. “Was it - all that news about Sephiroth? I assume you heard, which is why you’re here now.”

Roxas nodded. “He became really - despondent - once he heard about it. But he worked through it,” added Roxas quickly.

“He’s fine, right? You wouldn’t just leave him alone with no one to look after him, yeah?” Zack’s worry came to the fore. The part that knew how fragile Cloud could be, because he knew Cloud inside and out, was pleading and praying that Roxas hadn’t been thoughtless or reckless in this one instance.

“Yeah. We’ve got friends. He’s got people around him. Here, let me show you.” Roxas fished for his phone in his pocket and quickly pulled up the photo he took on the day he left. He looked at it in fond memory. Roxas was glad he had taken it, and even more pleased that Cloud actually looked pretty cheerful in it. He didn’t know if he could show Zack if his brother had looked miserable. 

Zack took the offered phone gingerly and held it for a long time. He scanned all the faced and when he found Cloud his eyes wouldn't leave. A smile crept over his face. Zack had to eventually wipe at his eyes as the tears that refused to fall made his vision too blurry.

“So you guys have been staying in Wutai, huh?”

Roxas nodded, not surprised at Zack’s correct assertion. The architecture which could be seen in the photograph was pretty unique.

“That’s - kind of smart. I certainly would never have expected you two to go there. Who came up with that?”

“I wanted to go,” said Roxas solomney. 

“If I quiz you w-”

“Yeah! I’m an actual expert now,’ laughed Roxas, cutting Zack off because he knew exactly where that question was going.

“Is Squall still a cold and stoic grump?”

The laugh on Roxas’ face was replaced by surprise. “You know Squall?”

“Yeah, we used to be in the same platoon while going through training. He was always so ‘ _by-the-book_ ’ and stand-offish. Cloud actually reminded me a little bit of Squall when we first met,” chuckled Zack.

“Squall - he’s still cold. But he’s also a lot of fun when he’s not being all business.”

“ ‘ _Fun_ ’ and ‘ _Squall_ ’ together?, I’d never have thought it possible,” said Zack in amusement. “Thanks for sharing this with me, Rox. It makes me feel a lot better.” Zack smiled gently, taking a final glance at the photo before he was ready to hand the phone back to its owner. 

All of a sudden the phone began to ring in Zack’s hands though. Zack’s heart skipped a beat and his stomach twisted. He looked up at Roxas, mouth parted and a stunned look on his face.

“It’s Cloud -.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drew a picture of what is [ hanging on Zack's wall](http://cream-pudding.deviantart.com/art/TCT-Ch-6-Photograph-On-Wall-627053802), if you wanna check it out.
> 
> Oh and of course the [group shot](http://cream-pudding.deviantart.com/art/APTB-Ch18-group-photo-WIP-625116315) when Roxas left Wutai.
> 
> Also, if you have been reading [A Place To Belong](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7153685) l need to apologise for not updating that at all this week. I've been waiting for this chapter to get posted, so I could make you guys suffer through this cliff hanger.
> 
> What's gonna happen? AAARGH!


	7. At Long Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The phone call gets answered. And someone loses a bet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with Chapter 21 of [A Place To Belong](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7153685/chapters/17543275). - you can read it now.

“He probably won’t want to speak to you. I’ve been telling him to call you for the last two years.” Roxas took the phone from Zack who reluctantly handed it over.

“It’s fine. Just tell him that I miss him, and that I’ll always be here for him,” said Zack ruefully. He really wanted to hear Cloud’s voice. Really wanted to speak to him and hold him. His heart ached for a brief moment.

Roxas looked down at his phone, which he knew was getting towards the end of the rings, before it would cut out and go to his voice mail. Roxas looked at Zack and felt his heart break all over again. This guy was so desperately close to being able to hear from Cloud. Roxas owed Zack for keeping Axel safe. He had to do _something_.

Roxas’ face grew determined and hard. Zack’s eyes went wide as he realized that Roxas was up to no good.

“Rox-”

Roxas shushed Zack, “It’s time to be reckless,” and answered the call, putting it on loudspeaker.

“Heya Cloud! How’s things!”

“ _Took you long enough to answer. Everything alright? - Did I call at a bad time?_ ” Cloud chuckled.

“Everything’s fine, and _you wish_ it was a bad time! But it’s really not. It’s actually a really good time.” Roxas eyeballed Zack briefly. “I’ve just been spending some time with Zack, actually. Just leaving now to go home to Axel. I can run back in and get him on the phone if you want.” Roxas glanced at Zack. He thought the man looked like he was going to fall off the edge of his seat with anticipation.

“ _Zack?_ ” Cloud paused for a long time, seemingly debating something with himself.

Zack clasped his hands in front of his mouth, to make sure he wasn’t going to squeak. Hearing his name spoken by that voice sent unexpected flutters through him. He wanted to tell Cloud that he was there; to confess how much he really missed him; how often he had spent sleepless nights just thinking about him. 

Zack thought that he never truly understood just how _much_ he had missed Cloud until this moment. It was all punctuated by the fact that he was so close to the man, but couldn’t reach out and connect with him. 

Zack bit his tongue. He swallowed it down and just focused on listening.

“ _No it’s alright, Rox. But - how is he doing?_ ” came Cloud’s answer at long last.

“He’s really well, Cloud. Denzel is here working for him. He’s also got this really cute photo of the two of you on his wall.” Roxas laughed looking up at it.

“ _Really? I didn’t know there were any photos of us._ ” Cloud sounded genuinely surprised. “ _I kind of wish I had one, actually,_ ” came a regretful mutter. Roxas thought Zack was about to implode or something. 

“ _D-does he still look the same?_ ” asked Cloud timidly.

“Are you asking me if he’s more handsome than ever before? Because you know I only have eyes for one man in my life.”

Cloud’s soft laugh came through the speakers and it melted Zack’s heart.

“ _Well, is he?_ ”

Roxas looked at Zack with a smile. “Yeah, he actually is. His hair's a lot longer now. I know you like long hair.”

Roxas watched Zack intently, who was still covering his mouth firmly but cocked an eyebrow at that piece of news.

“If you came back here you could see him and take as many photos as your heart desires. But you already know that.” Roxas added with some frustration. They seemed to have conversations centered around Cloud’s return on most days. “Zack misses you. He told me to tell you that he’ll always be here for you.”

There was silence on the line, and both Roxas and Zack frowned slightly.

“Cloud, I know that you’re frowning at me right now, so stop that.”

A sigh came through the phone. “ _I’m doing ok, Rox. Cid actually gave me a compliment today. At least I think it was one - He said_ ‘ _Not bad for someone like you’_.” 

Both brothers laughed.

“You might get to Cid’s human side one day.” Roxas always let Cloud’s change of subjects slide; despite sometimes feeling like he was enabling Cloud to keep evading the real issues in his life.

“ _Maybe._ ”

Roxas was suddenly overcome with fatigue and tried to stifle a yawn unsuccessfully.

“ _I’ll let you go, Rox. Don’t let Axel keep you up all night._ ”

“You should be more worried about _me_ keeping _him_ up all night instead,” said Roxas with a big grin on his face.

“ _Too much info, little brother,_ ” was the gentle response.

“Night,” they both said in unison and Roxas hung up.

Roxas and Zack sat in silence for a while. Zack’s hands were still clasped around his mouth and elbows rested on his knees, deep in thought.

Slowly Zack started to speak, “If - if I went down there - What do you think Cloud would do?” He gave Roxas a questioning and curious look.

Roxas’ brow furrowed in thought. “He’d probably be really mad at me, and annoyed at you. He’s too stubborn and refuses to budge.”

Zack sighed. “Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. I really want to see him though. Looking at you,” Zack briefly flicked his eyes over to Roxas, “makes it really obvious to me.”

Roxas wasn't completely sure what the implication was, but he shrugged it off.

“We just need to wear him down. I’ll keep bringing you up in conversations. Maybe we can figure out how to get him to listen to you singing a song for him. He always loved you singing to him. We just have to be really sneaky. And you don’t have to worry about your bet with Axel. I’m taking care of it.” 

The cogs in Roxas’ head were turning and Zack just laughed at Roxas being so conniving.

* * *

 

Roxas returned late in the evening. He found Axel reclining on the lounge with a fire merrily crackling away, reading one of his big and boring books. Axel looked up from his reading materials and threw Roxas a warm smile. “Heya, Roxy!”

“Heya, Axel!” Roxas discarded his shoes and walked over, flopping onto Axel’s lap, causing sounds of protest to leave Axel’s chest.

“I know you like the heat but don’t you think having a fire going in summer is excessive?”

Axel eyeballed the fireplace before returning his gaze onto the other man. “Nope. It gets the job done.”

“What job’s that? Destroying the evidence of your dad’s suspect company dealings?” Roxas was feeling way too hot, so he stripped his t-shirt off.

“Well - yes. But also does _that_ job too.” Axel pointedly looked at Roxas’ discarded shirt, winked and threw his book onto the coffee table.

Roxas lay himself down next to Axel and pressed lips to his mouth. Axel’s hands roamed over Roxas’ bare chest, enjoying the texture of the goose flesh that prickled under his touch. 

“See, you’re cold,” chuckled Axel against Roxas’ lips.

“Na-ah.”

Axel kissed Roxas’ nose. “How’s Zack doing?”

“He’s fine. I told him that we’ve nullified the bet with our own, so he no longer has to live in fear of you irritating him.”

They both smiled at each other and Axel squeezed Roxas closer to himself.

“I swear I would have had you the other day if your dumb brother hadn’t called,” pouted Axel.

“Well if you repeat what you did on that day you might have your victory,” winked Roxas.

A hungry look entered Axel’s eyes, and he licked his lips.

“I spoke to Cloud while I was with Zack, so he won’t be bothering us again for the night.”

“Oh really?” Axel seductively rumbled. 

Roxas loved that tone. It always sent a strong pulse through him and chills up his spine.

“Yeah.”

Axel kissed Roxas, gently licking and probing Roxas’ lips with his tongue before pulling away.

“Did they talk?”

For all of Axel’s self-centeredness he certainly still showed a lot of concern towards Zack and his predicament with Cloud. It endeared the man to Roxas.

“I had Cloud on loudspeaker. Zack could hear but Cloud didn't know. I kind of feel bad about doing that to Cloud. I think he would die of embarrassment if he found out. - And that _doesn’t_ give you permission or reason to ever mention this to him,” added Roxas threateningly when he saw Axel’s eyes narrow deviously.

“Ever the spoil sport,” huffed Axel.

“That’s me.” Roxas yawned and snuggled closer against Axel’s chest. He listened to the gentle crackle of the fire and the rhythmic breathing that emanated from the man below him. 

This was bliss.

“We should just kidnap Cloud and deliver him hog-tied to Zack. He’ll be much happier. There’s nothing better than being with the person that completes you,” said Axel in joyful contemplation.

“You speaking from personal experience?” murmured Roxas.

“I am,” breathed Axel.

Roxas looked up into those loving eyes. He felt his flesh tingle and prickle against Axel’s slow caress, which travelled up and down his arm. Roxas craned his neck towards Axel and was enveloped in a slow and sensual kiss. Hands knitted into hair, cheeks were stroked, kisses trailed.

Axel carefully undid Roxas’ pants and pulled them off without ever letting their lips lose contact. Roxas pressed his palms against Axel’s constrained erection, teasing him, before finally unzipping and freeing Axel.

With every push and rub Axel moaned into Roxas’ touch. Roxas took Axel’s fingers into his mouth, sucking gently on them. 

Axel played, explored and fingered Roxas’ mouth delicately before removing his hand and pushing his fingers carefully and deeply into Roxas. That motion elicited moans and shivered out of Roxas. The moans only intensified as Axel stroked his insides and pushed against his prostate gland. 

Roxas’ hands clasped over Axel’s erection, pulling and fondling the head while Axel’s fingers continued to lazily push in and out of Roxas, slowly stretching and relaxing the muscles. 

They remained like that for a while, just quietly pleasuring each other. There was no rush, but their need and want slowly started to grow.

Roxas eventually began bucking his hips lightly, pushing himself firmly against Axel’s thigh for some much needed friction. “Axel, I want you,” whimpered Roxas. He knew Axel wouldn’t be able to resist.

Axel gently slid his fingers out of Roxas and got up so he could remove all of his clothes, dropping them to the floor. He moved back to the lounge and on top of Roxas. Reaching behind Roxas’ head he produced a small bottle of lubricant. 

Roxas laughed. 

Axel seemed to stash these bottles in every part of the penthouse. His reasoning had been that ‘ _you can never be too certain, and you can never have too much lube’_.

Well Axel was right. 

They had pretty much screwed in every room and on nearly every surface already. Roxas was happy for the lounge to be the first place he would actually allow himself to climax. And then they would have the fun of making each other come on all the previously visited places that they had screwed on before.

Roxas took the bottle from Axel’s hands, opened it and squeezed out the contents into his palm. While Roxas spread the liquid over Axel’s penis, Axel inserted his fingers and started stroking Roxas once more, paying extra attention to that nodule which made Roxas always squirm. 

Not long after, fingers were removed again, and Axel’s head pushed through instead. The butterflies in Roxas’ stomach danced in intense satisfaction. This is what he had been waiting for. The stretch - that intense feeling of fullness. He whimpered with every inch that was pushed in, and sighed with every inch that was pulled out. 

Roxas listened to Axel’s sighs of satisfaction. Roxas’ heart was pounding as Axel built up the tension with his steadily increasing thrusts. Feeling Axel’s pulse and breath synchronize with his own was gratifying. Roxas pushed his hips down against Axel’s upward thrusts, intensifying their contact.

Roxas felt Axel’s mouth place breathy kisses on his craned neck. Roxas ran his fingernails down Axel’s back with every push, and as their rhythm intensified so did the amount of force that Roxas used on Axel’s back. Axel started nipping with his teeth in response to raking fingernails.

This was the place that Roxas would always stop himself. This heady feeling which just caused him to teeter on the edge of orgasm. The butterflies in his stomach were causing a storm. Heat pooled, and the need tightened in his abdomen. Roxas’ erection was throbbing, his insides were igniting and tingling with every thrust from Axel. Roxas couldn’t and didn’t want to hold it in any longer. He had decided that tonight was the night he would lose the bet, long before he ever made it back to Axel’s penthouse.

He pulled Axel’s teasing hand away from his nipple and placed it on his erection instead. Axel didn’t miss a beat and surrounded Roxas’ erection with his long slender fingers. He pushed on Roxas’ slit, collecting the ample pre-come, and began pumping him in time to his thrusts.

It was the extra bit of stimulation that Roxas had needed. He willingly gave in to Axel. He willingly relinquished his victory and he released himself. The tingling washed all over him. It traveled through every part of him, tensing and relaxing as he came. He groaned in sheer pleasure as he felt Axel hammering into his gland. Every thrust electrified Roxas more. Every push caused a little more to spill from Roxas. His muscles clenched around Axel and Roxas could feel Axel’s own warm release and climax fill him up. 

Roxas felt so satisfied. He ran his hands all over Axel, who braced himself above Roxas, arms quaking under his own weight, as well as from his own release. Through lidded eyes Roxas looked up at that beautiful face, painted with agony and ecstasy as Axel came. The look lingered for quite some time, and Axel kept thrusting into Roxas gently long after their orgasms had been completed. 

Axel moaned into Roxas’ hair, and showered his face with gentle kisses, between mutters of affectionate and low ‘ _fuck_ ’s.

Axel eventually lowered himself, but still refused to pull out of Roxas. They lay cradled in each others arms, kissing long into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question - do you guys need an Explicit Sex warning at the top of the chapters, like I did with _A Small Glimpse_? Or is it fine that I spring sexy times on you guys like this? Though... I guess the chapter summary gave it away. But... I just need to know for future fics and things, where it might not be so obvious what the chapter will contain.
> 
> Thoughts and critical feedback are _**always**_ appreciated. Tell me if you guys see any plot holes or terrible OOC situations. The more eyes I have on this the better !


	8. Healing and Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas has a devious plan and executes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with Chapter 22 of [A Place To Belong](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7153685/chapters/17760070). - you can read it now.

The days kept drifting on. Roxas busied himself with helping out at charity organizations in the mornings, lending a hand to cook for the homeless and those doing it tough. It wasn’t quite as satisfying as what he felt he had accomplished in Wutai but he didn’t think it was any less meaningful work. He just supposed he had more of a connection with Wutai’s people and what they had been through compared with those of the mainland.

Roxas often spoke to Yuffie who kept him up to date with all the important news regarding the soup kitchen, the WRT’s continual improvements and whether or not his brother was in urgent need of emotional CPR. Roxas had been beyond grateful that Yuffie had taken it upon herself to keep a close eye on Cloud.

Roxas even kept in regular contact with Sora, who had screamed his ear off when Roxas first called him. Sora had gotten into Business School and was still keen on opening an eatery with Roxas as the head chef. Roxas had also been pleased to hear that Riku was still with Sora and they were happy as could be, despite Riku spoiling a lot of reckless fun Sora had sometimes wanted to plan. 

Axel never spoke or gave concrete answers about his family so Roxas ended up hearing from Sora that Kairi had moved to Zanarkand to pursue a musical career. All those piano lessons had apparently grown on the girl afterall. Sora and Roxas had agreed to get together over Wintersday, and Roxas couldn’t wait for the months to hurry up and fly by already.

Sometimes it crossed Roxas’ mind to go visit Sephiroth in hospital. He still held a lot of rage within himself. He wanted to beat the crap out of that guy. He wanted to make him sorry for what he had done to Cloud. But then he feared he would get arrested. He certainly didn’t need that in his life. But the more Roxas thought about it - the more he brooded over it - the more inevitable the visit felt.

Roxas tried to lighten his mood by shifting more focus on getting Cloud back together with Zack. He felt like a cupid’s job was difficult at best, especially when your subject was someone as bone headed as Cloud. Roxas remembered why he had felt completely dejected and helpless while Cloud had been in charge of their safety. Cloud had been strong and never wavered in his resolve. He was like a dog with a bone. He had always done what he had to do to survive, and he had always had Roxas’ best interests at heart. That iron will had kept them safe when they were in danger but it only hindered Cloud now in his recovery. 

The tables had turned and it was now Roxas’ turn to look after his brother. His brother knew what he needed but was too stubborn to accept it and to go get it. So that’s why Roxas needed to step in. That’s why he called his brother’s cell one night whilst he was visiting Zack. 

Roxas never called Cloud so he knew his brother would probably have some heart palpitations over it, but he didn’t care. He knew if he spoke with Cloud and explained what he was about to do Cloud would hang up. It had to be a stealth attack.

Zack knew what Roxas was doing as well. They had spoken about it before Roxas had made the call. And they had argued. 

“This feels like a dirty trick to me, Roxas. It’s like we’re trying to manipulate Cloud into coming back,” said Zack, arms folded across his chest and a frown on his face.

“Well we _are_ trying to manipulate him,” stated Roxas matter-of-factly.

Zack’s frown only deepened. “I think your brother has suffered enough for one lifetime. I can’t believe that you’re talking like this.” 

“This is _good_ manipulation, Zack. This is giving Cloud what he wants and what he needs, but what he’s too afraid to ask for or accept.”

“You assume too much, Roxas. Cloud hasn’t called me, or come back. I trust he knows what he’s doing, and that he’s doing whatever is best for himself. And I guess,” Zack breathed down some bitter sadness, “that I’m just not part of that picture for him.”

Roxas grimaced. “Don’t you dare _ever_ think that, Zack,” he said angrily. “Cloud has _told_ me that he needs you. He is just too scared to come and get it. He is _torturing_ himself because of Sephiroth.” 

Roxas thought back to the time of Cloud’s deep depression. He felt the familiar sting of tears in his eyes. “He had a really hard time when all that stuff was happening in the news. I don’t know how or why it’s all connected with not seeing you. I’m sure it all makes sense in his stupid muddled head, but to _us_ -,” Roxas waved his hand between the two of them to emphasize his point, “We can only guess at it. He once told me to never rely on others to make myself whole.” 

Roxas’ voice softened as he thought back on camping out under the stars when they had first arrived in Wutai so long ago now. “He sounded scared of that. Maybe he’s afraid of that.” Roxas looked up at Zack with stern and worried eyes. “But then he’s just afraid of himself and accepting who he is. He’s always needed people in his life. I need you to teach him that needing others can be a strength. Accepting help can be a strength and make us better. So I’m going to call Cloud, and you are going to sing to him. We’ll just pretend like you didn’t know I was calling him. And you sing everything that you’ve ever wanted to say to him, ok? You sing to him like he’s sitting right here beside me like all those years ago.”

That had settled their argument.

Zack had sung. Everything he had kept inside himself over the years flooded out. Everything he wanted to tell Cloud he expressed in his words but also through the music he played. The longing, the melancholy, and even the good times. The cheer and excitement. The hope and love he felt when they had been together. Zack sung through his tears and pain. He didn’t know if Cloud was still listening but he sang on, picturing the way Cloud had dozed on his small sofa in the past and the way they had looked at each other.

Zack had eventually exhausted himself physically and emotionally. He couldn’t strum another note. 

“I love him so damn much, Rox.” Zack was breathing heavily from the strain of what he had been doing over the past half hour. “Sometimes I feel like it’s killing me.” Zack covered his face with his palm. “But I guess - even if nothing changes I’m just happy that I had this chance. Thank you, Roxas.” Zack released his face and smiled at him. It had been quite a healing process for the man and soothed his heartache.

Roxas had been moved to tears through Zack’s performance. He genuinely hoped it had helped Cloud somehow and would serve as some ammunition against the demons in his head. Roxas would wait for Cloud to call him. It would be an interesting, and possibly quite angry conversation, but he was going to be ready for it when it came.

* * *

 

The phone call came a few days later. Roxas was lounging out on the balcony of the penthouse with Axel. It was one of those rare days on which Axel wasn’t busy or called away to make sales pitches and schmooze with high profiled clients.

Roxas had been entertaining the man with stories about Yuffie when he got interrupted. 

Roxas shot Axel a look that spoke volumes about the dread he was feeling. Axel has been told about Zack and Roxas’ plan and what they had done a few days ago. He patted Roxas’ arm for reassurance.

“What's the worst that could happen?” said Axel casually. “Think on the bright side - Maybe he’ll come over to beat the shit out of you. Then your mission will be completed,” laughed Axel.

Roxas just sighed and picked up.

“ _What was that the other day?_ ” came Cloud’s irritated and gruff voice.

“Oh, when I called you?” Roxas tried to play it down as much as he could.

“ _Yeah._ ”

“I just thought you could use some entertainment in your life. Zack didn’t know I had you listening in, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“ _I’m not worried about that. It’s a bit unfair of you to make him play for so long._ ”

“So you listened till the end?” Roxas was quite excited about that bit of information. It was nice to receive the confirmation. “Good. I’m glad. No wonder you fell for him, Cloud. The way he plays is a real turn on,” laughed Roxas, while Axel next to him narrowed his eyes slightly.

“ _You stay away from him,_ ” said Cloud sternly.

“Get over here and claim him back already if you’re that worried. He doesn't have anyone in his life anymore, you know? He’s going down to visit Aerith and do the deliveries in a few weeks but Aerith has a boyfriend now, so Zack doesn’t even have anyone to have _fun_ with, if you know what I mean.” Roxas said mournfully.

“ _Really? He’s got no-one?_ ” 

“Yeah, really.” Roxas threw Axel a look before continuing on. “Anyway, I have to go. I think Axel is getting jealous of me saying nice things about Zack.”

“ _Bye, Rox._ ”

“See ya, soon, ok?” 

Roxas hung up before he could hear his brother’s protests at his farewell.

“What was that look for, Axel? Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

Roxas leaned over Axel to look him in the eyes and play with his fiery hair, all the while smiling at him.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time over there. I saw the way Zack looked at you when I came around the other day.” Axel’s face was stern. He wasn’t messing around.

“Really? You’re the jealous type?” Roxas found that quite interesting and leaned back a bit to look at Axel from a distance, to hopefully see the full picture better. “I would have never pictured you as that,” Roxas said, genuinely baffled.

“Why not? Just because I used to sleep around a lot means I can’t get jealous?”

“Used to? So you mean you actually stopped?” teased Roxas. But Axel’s mood didn’t seem to lighten. Roxas frowned, and tried again, a little more serious this time.

“You seem to have a lot of confidence. Why would you ever think that people wouldn’t fall for you? Why would you think anyone would choose someone else over you?”

“Because people have always chosen others over me, Roxy. Confidence has nothing to do with it. I can get people into bed with me, easy. But they never stayed.”

Roxas felt a pang of sorrow for Axel.

“Don’t look sad, Roxy.” Axel caressed Roxas’ cheek and smiled. “As long as you stay with me I’ll be happy. My life’s pretty perfect right now. I’ve got all I need.”

Roxas cupped Axel’s hand on his face and kissed the palm. “You don’t have to worry, Axel. I’m pretty sure we’re stuck with each other, forever,” he smiled and leaned into the touch.


	9. Sephiroth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas faces his past.

It had weighed heavily on Roxas’ mind for a while. Ever since Roxas had spent the night listening to Zack play his songs for Cloud, he had quietly made the resolve to go visit Sephiroth in hospital. Having watched how much pain and sorrow Zack had been in, and knowing how much pain his brother was in made him want - no - _need_ to give the beast of a man a piece of his mind.

But it hadn’t been an easy task to be granted an audience with him.

It had taken many days and some severe ‘ _jumping through hoops_ ’ to be granted permission to go see Sephiroth. Axel had pulled a lot of strings and used his family connections to get them both into the hospital’s locked ward. Non-disclosure agreements had to be filled in and approved. The whole process seemed over the top to just go see a deranged man. It irked Roxas that Sephiroth was still so venerated, honoured and protected. Yes - he saved a lot of people - but he also got Roxas’ father killed and ruined his family.

Roxas wasn’t sure what to expect, or how he would feel or react to seeing Sephiroth again. He squeezed Axel’s hand nervously as they sat in the reception area, waiting to be called in. 

The hospital was pretty nice. It smelled pleasant and there was a lot of light and potted plants everywhere. Not what Roxas really expected, but he also assumed that they wouldn’t be keeping _The Great General Sephiroth_ (Roxas rolled his eyes at that pompous title) in a dingy prison cell type of lodging either, as much as Roxas would have preferred that for the man.

Eventually they were lead through the security doors, screened for any prohibited items, and taken through the sterile hospital environment beyond and out into a pleasant looking courtyard. 

From there they went into another building which looked even nicer than the reception area. It was almost like a private residency within hospital grounds. The nursing staff explained that only very high profiled patients took up residency in this part of the hospital. Roxas felt irritated about Sephiroth getting special treatment even here.

The staff member knocked on a nice wooden door and announced that there were guests to see him and left Roxas and Axel standing out the front. Roxas felt sick to his stomach with nerves. He still remembered the iron grasp of Sephiroth's hands around his neck. 

The door unlocked and opened inward. Sephiroth’s tall frame loomed over Roxas, and his heart began to race in panic. Blue-green eyes drifted over Axel distastefully before resting on Roxas’ features. The three men stood there looking at each other in hard silence.

Sephiroth let out an amused huff and stepped aside sweeping his arm across the entrance, bidding them entry. Roxas never felt like he had such a bad idea in his life, as when he stepped over the threshold and heard the door click shut behind him. Axel was right beside him however. Roxas felt safer with Axel.

“Can I interest you both in some tea? I just brewed some. It’s your favorite, Roxas.” Sephiroth punctuated Roxas’ name with an underlying tone that Roxas just couldn’t place.

“Y-yes please.” The words had left his mouth before Roxas could even process the question properly. He mentally kicked himself. He was here to abuse the man, not be pleasant with him.

Roxas and Axel settled themselves on a nice lounge and Sephiroth brought them tea and biscuits before seating himself across from them on a matching arm chair. He sipped his tea quietly for a while before speaking.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of my least favorite person and my most favorite person coming to visit me?”

“I wanted to see that you were locked up with my own eyes,” said Roxas fiercely. 

“Now, now, Roxas. Is that any way to speak to me?” Sephiroth paused for a moment, letting Roxas’ glare do the responding to Sephiroth’s question. He laughed coolly. “As you can see I am here.” Sephiroth turned his eyes onto Axel. “Though I find it ironic that you would lock me up somewhere to - what did you call it? ‘ _Protect’_ Roxas from me - and yet here you are - delivering the boy right to my doorstep.” The bemusement was evident in Sephiroth's voice.

“I should probably thank you one of these days, Axel. You’re such a good boy. Always leading me to Roxas.” Blue-green eyes laughed loudly as Axel’s green lit aflame.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“It’s nothing, Roxas. Don’t worry,” said Axel, hastily.

“I would hardly call it _nothing_. Didn’t you know, Roxas? -”

Axel interrupted, telling Sephiroth to “Shut the hell up!” in a low growl. This only seemed to flame the amusement Sephiroth was gaining from the situation.

“Axel and I used to be really close when he was younger. Axel lead me to you. He couldn’t stop talking about the cute blonde he met so long ago and whom he had found again -”

Axel sprang up. “SHUT. UP!”

“I had to go look for myself.” Sephiroth didn’t seem at all phased by Axel’s attempt to intimidate the war veteran. “Cloud had been pretty crafty at evading me after you left Twilight Town, so it was good to get another lead on your whereabouts.”

Roxas placed a hand on Axel’s arm, getting him to sit back down. “It’s alright, Axel. It doesn't change anything between us,” reassured Roxas quietly, despite the uncertainty Sephiroth’s words sparked within himself.

“And what _is_ between you, exactly? I don’t think your mother would have approved of someone like Axel.”

“Don’t you _dare_ tell me about what my mother would or would not have wanted.” The fire ignited in Roxas. “You lost the right to care for us. You lost the right to talk about my parents like you actually knew them when you destroyed Cloud!”

“How _is_ Cloud?” There was something in Sephiroth’s voice, but Roxas was feeling too enraged to acknowledge it.

Roxas stood up abruptly, much like Axel had a moment before. “Frankly, how he is, is none of your business. Are you at all sorry for what you did? Do you have any shred of remorse? Because if you don’t then why are you even in here? This is a place for people to get better. But you - you should be in prison, rotting!” Roxas’ hands were shaking with hatred and rage. 

“I’m just sorry Cloud ever ran away with you. Look at what he’s done to you.” Roxas screamed in rage and lunged at Sephiroth with his fists. He got him on the cheek firmly before Sephiroth sprang up and easily restrained Roxas’ wrists up above his head. Axel was on his feet in moments yelling at Sephiroth to let Roxas go.

“I’m also sorry that I couldn’t break you like I broke your brother.” Sephiroth whispered to Roxas’ before he licked the shell of his ear. 

Roxas screamed again in fury, fighting to get control back over his arms and kicking wildly when his arms proved to be of no use. The door behind them opened loudly and the sound of hurrying footsteps filled the space. Axel’s arms wound around Roxas’ waist as Sephiroth let go due to being restrained by the orderly on duty.

Axel and Roxas were ushered out of the room and the door was locked firmly behind them. They were escorted off the premises after they filled out an incident report. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man... that was one hell of a short chapter. I blame Roxas' bad temper :p


	10. Chance Meetings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boring meetings come with the territory of dating Axel. Roxas makes do as best he can and makes an interesting acquaintance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Just a PSA - my updates might slow down to only once a week while I go through rewriting this fic. I'm just adding a lot more dialogue in, instead of taking anything out, so it will hopefully become a better reading experience. This should only take a week or two, and then I'll probably get back to uploading 3xweek.
> 
> Oh and just FYI... I made a last name up for Axel and his family. They really needed one for this part of the fic.

Roxas was informed that he had been barred from seeing Sephiroth again. He had been furious at that decision but Axel talked him down, telling him that he was lucky not to have been charged with assault. There were still so many angry things which Roxas wanted to yell at the man. But he had to take solice in knowing that he had left one mark on that smug face. Roxas hoped that it hurt and that it would bruise and stay on his face for a long while. In no way would it ever make up for what Roxas had seen on his brother’s body, but it still had felt satisfying.

Roxas never shared his encounter at the hospital with Cloud when they spoke. He didn’t want to upset his brother. He wanted Cloud to focus on himself so he could attain the same things Roxas had achieved; being with the man he loved, and living his life to the full. 

Their phone conversations seemed to become further and further apart. Yuffie seemed to be of the opinion that this was simply because Cloud was busy living his life. She often complained about needing earplugs at night and that she would lodge a formal complaint to Squall soon if the noise level wasn’t reduced any time soon. 

This revelation only made Roxas frown. Had the songs had the _opposite_ effect of what Roxas and Zack had hoped for? If Cloud was happy with how his life was right now then it would be fine, but if he was only making himself more miserable -. Roxas couldn't bare to worry that he had once again meddled in his brother's life. He couldn't bare the idea of being at fault for possibly having messed up and ruined Zack’s chance at being with Cloud either.

Maybe it was for the better that they spoke less. Roxas should worry about his own life more, was the conclusion he came to. As much as he wanted to believe it- and make Cloud believe it - he did acknowledge that things weren't completely rosy for him either.

When Roxas wasn’t out making friends with other like-minded volunteers at the various charity organizations he was involved with, Roxas had to attend various functions with Axel.

They always seemed to be glitzy affairs, involving a lot of schmoozing. That was fine for Axel, as this was his life, but Roxas couldn't do it. He had nothing in common with these upper class rich people. Roxas’ life had been full of hardships. It made him angry to hear about the wasteful and frivolous lives these people lead. But Axel had kept asking him to come along. 

They sometimes argued about it.

_“What’s the point of me going with you if I can’t be with you?”_

_“We have good times. I know you enjoy yourself.”_

_“Yeah, when I get to make fun of everything with you by my side.”_

_“I feel better knowing you’re there, Roxy._ ”

That usually shut Roxas up with a resigned sigh. He couldn’t refuse. Every time he wanted to say ‘ _no_ ’ he thought of the past. He had 14 years of guilt racked up which demanded he appease Axel.

So Roxas had gone along once more this particular evening. It was a dull affair, as they always were. A bunch of rich people patting themselves on the back and giving speeches to inflate their own ego’s. It would have been a night like any other, with the one exception that on this night Roxas had the great displeasure of meeting Axel’s father. 

Roxas had quite literally run into the gray and grim looking man whilst coming out of the washroom. He had tried to apologize and to also introduce himself.

“I know who and _what_ you are, make no mistake,” had been the arctic response. He then stalked off, leaving Roxas perplexed and affronted. 

Roxas supposed Axel got all his charm, sense of humor and looks from his mother, because other than his height and those green eyes that Roxas loved so much, the two men seemed to share nothing in common.

The disdain Roxas had been met with stayed thick and heavy on Roxas’ mind. It bothered him because no one disliked him. He was a very likeable guy. Roxas wanted to go and have a word with Axel’s father. Wanted to introduce himself properly, so he could change the man’s mind about himself. He had nothing else to really do anyway. Axel always abandoned him at the start of these nights, only to find him again when he was ready to leave. Roxas completely understood that they had to keep their distance from one another in public events like these. This was why Roxas had a lot of spare time on his hands.

So the first opportunity he got, after another boring onslaught of speeches had finally ended, Roxas got up and went in the direction he last had seen the old coot stalk towards. He wandered out of the hall and down the corridor until Roxas had the displeasure of overhearing a heated argument emanating from one of the many doors set into the corridor. 

“ _Why are you nagging me about this again?_ ”

“ _After what he did to your Uncle? After all the trouble that twerp has caused our family you still dare to bring him with you? You are an insult to the Veronesi name. I want you to stop bringing your playboy with you. It reflects badly on our family business._ ”

“ _He’s my boyfriend, old man. If he was a woman you would have no problem with me parading him around like he was a trophy._ ”

“ _But he’s not a woman. Therein lies the problem. Our company has a legacy it needs to leave behind and tend to. I always had such high hopes for you, Axel. That’s why you always disappointed me the most. All of you children have been a huge disappointment to me, really. I blame your mother. She was always too soft with the lot of you._ ”

“ _Give it up, old man. I see through your charades. You’ve never been proud of me a day in your life. You only pretend when you want something out of me._ ”

“ _If word gets out that you and Reno are that way inclined then where does that leave the company? You are a selfish boy. People are already beginning to talk, and I hear it all, my boy. They are losing confidence in the Veronesi name and in the continuation of our enterprise. You’ve threatened and tried to sabotage all my hard work already. I won’t have you continue in this manner. You proved that you were good at getting things your way, now use that for the betterment of the company and not your selfish whims. You don’t have to love a woman to have children with her, Axel. I expect to see you with a young, and reasonably attractive woman on your arm in the future. And leave that boy at home, where he belongs._ ”

Roxas’ heart clenched for Axel. He wanted to run in there and protect him somehow, but he thought better not to. Roxas could hear the ice and venom in the man’s voice. Roxas had completely forgotten about Sephiroth being tied up with Axel’s father. It certainly seemed to explain the disdain Roxas had experienced. 

He pitied Axel for having such a terrible father. At least if Roxas’ father wouldn’t approve of his relationship, Roxas would never know about it. For once in his life Roxas actually felt blessed that his parents weren’t around; he would never, and could never, disappoint them.

Sighing heavily Roxas turned back to go to the awful function. He knew that Axel would defend him and his honour. There was probably nothing Roxas could ever do to make that ugly old man think of Roxas in a better light anyway, other than sprout women’s reproductive organs and give him an heir. That thought actually made Roxas laugh.

To be fair Roxas wouldn't care if Axel took a woman with him to these events. He would even prefer it. He hated how stuffy it all was. He hated having to wear a suit and tie, which incidentally was the only thing Roxas had let Axel buy for him - because this get up was purely for Axel, not for Roxas.

Once back in the main hall Roxas grabbed himself four flutes of some awful tasting champagne. He quietly made his way towards a far flung corner of the room, hoping to be ignored for the rest of the night. 

Roxas figured it wouldn’t be very hard, as he noticed the curtain to be almost the same color as his suit. He would easily camouflaged into the background, and he was content with that. Roxas busied himself with downing one flute after another within a rather short amount of time, making a face with every disgusting gulp.

People danced, people schmoozed, people ate canapés. Roxas felt miserable. He was stuck in a temporal time warp where the night dragged on forever.

“You want some hors d'oeuvres to go along with your massive drinking problem?”

Roxas choked while he was downing his third flute.

Blue eyes and short black hair just laughed at him, holding up a platter of little fancy rolls of fish wrapped around some sort of indistinctive gray mush, fastened together by toothpicks.

Roxas cleared his throat and managed to breathe again. 

The girl didn’t look like waiting staff, so he had to wonder how she had managed to commandeer an entire plate of hors d'oeuvres all to herself.

“Well if I have a drinking problem, you’ve got a binge eating problem,” he retorted with a tacked on smile, so as not to cause any actual offense. 

The girl laughed as she popped one of the appetizers into her mouth, still offering the platter to Roxas. He picked one up and also popped it into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully before offering her his fourth and final flute of champagne. 

She took it graciously and they stood side by side in silence, consuming the food and drink, vacantly looking into the sea of people.

“You look as uncomfortable as I feel. What brings you here?” the girl began.

“My boyfriend. You?”

“My friend.”

“Does your friend hate you or something?”

The girl laughed happily. “Sometimes I have to wonder. What about you? Your boyfriend hate _you_?”

Roxas smiled at the girl. He instantly liked her, and not just because she was the first friendly face he had seen at one of these events. Nor because they had been able to tease each other.

No. It was something else. 

He liked the way she looked. There seemed to be something familiar about her, both in appearance and mannerisms, even though he was 100% sure they had never met each other before. 

“No, he adores me. But his father hates me. And he hates his father. So I’m pretty sure I’m the salt in both their wounds.”

“That’s rough.”

“What’s rough is this fish. Why is it so chewy?” Roxas, with no social graces what-so-ever, spat it back out into a napkin he had on hand and examined the chewed mush, as if he would be able to discern where the problem lay by doing so.

Instead of eyeing Roxas with abhorrent disgust, the girl just looked like she was holding back a tremendous laugh, before she turned serious as she scrutinized the food. “The chef’s here are terrible. They have no idea how to cure meats, let alone fish,” she agreed, looking sternly towards the kitchens in the back of the hall.

“This is - silver fin, right? It should definitely not be that salty either.”

The girl smiled up at Roxas. “You know something about Wutai delicacies then?”

Roxas nodded.

“Hmm, you might just be the man I have been looking for all my life!” she winked at him. 

Roxas was slightly taken aback and could feel heat spreading to his face. He smiled, trying to detract from the obvious blush, “Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard that.” The smile turned into a wicked grin, and he winked back at her.

“Oh, you’re really popular then, huh? Good. I could definitely make use of you, in that case.”

Now Roxas began to feel curious, and prompted the girl to explain what she meant.

“I run a small noodle bar near 5th and 21st. _The Green Turtle_. You should come by one day. I’m always looking for someone to hire. All my chef’s have been such disappointments in recent history.”

“Wow! Really? Thanks. I’ll come check it out - if I ever get out of here alive.”

She laughed again. “That makes two of us.”

They both kept eating the awful food, commenting on the other hors d'oeuvres they had sampled that night. After a while the girl’s voice suddenly dropped to a whisper and almost sounded panicked.

“Don’t look now but a Veronesi is inbound for our location. And he looks annoyed. Let’s hide behind the curtain!” The girl gently shoved Roxas closer to the windows with a laugh, apparently with the full intention of going through with her plan. Roxas would have obliged her if that particular Veronesi hadn’t been Axel.

“No, it’s alright. That’s my boyfriend.” Roxas smiled at her and blue eyes widened.

“What? Axel Veronesi? _Really_?”

Roxas nodded, still looking at Axel whom he finally had made eye contact with. Roxas could definitely agree that Axel looked annoyed. Roxas would probably have even gone as far as stating Axel was _pissed_ , but the other man did seem to calm down a little once their eyes had found each other in the crowded room.

Roxas made a few steps towards Axel’s direction and once Axel was within ear shot he could be heard saying, “ _Roxas, we’re leaving._ ”

“Guess I get out of here alive before you do.” Roxas turned around to the girl to say his goodbyes. He was met with a wide, surprise filled gaze.

“What’s the matter?” he prompted.

“N-nothing.” The look melted to be replaced by a pout. “You will come and see me at the corner of 5th and 21st, won’t you?”

Roxas nodded.

“I’m Roxas, by the way,” he added as he could feel a warm hand gently, but firmly, clasp around his upper arm and drag him away.

“I heard,” she giggled. “I’m Xion. I’ll see you around, ok?“ She waved and gently yelled after Roxas, “And if I don’t get out of here alive you’ll take my restaurant over for me, promise?”

Roxas waved back dumbly, nodding his head.

Her name formed on his lips and in his mind. He was desperately trying to recollect something he had once heard. It burned on the tip of his tongue, but his mind turned blank as he saw a gorgeous blonde girl walk over to stand next to Xion.

‘ _Naminé?_ ’

* * *

 

Axel had pulled them out of there pretty quickly, nodding politely and muttering excuses towards anyone who was begging to have a word with him. Roxas noticed that Axel’s grasp on Roxas never transferred down to his hand. It was always firmly grasped impersonally on his upper arm. 

He really hated living this lie.

Roxas sighed as he was being lead out. His mind still felt numb at the sudden ejection. He was still trying to piece together the puzzle of what he had heard and seen.

‘ _Xion, Naminé_ ’.

But again his thoughts weren’t allowed to rest on those names. Cool air hit Roxas’ face. Axel’s car had been brought out and Roxas was ushered into it expertly, flinching as doors were slammed with too much savagery.

Axel sped them off with a squeal of tires, leaving behind a burning rubber smell.

The redhead seemed tense, fuming in silence, glaring at the road. Roxas watched taut knuckles on the steering wheel whiten.

“You know - I heard you and your father arguing,” offered Roxas gently, to help get the conversation started.

“You overheard that?” Axel flashed him a sorrowful look. Tension seemed to seep out of him as rigid shoulders eased.

Roxas nodded. “I really don’t mind you taking girls to these things. You know I don’t like attending functions anyway.”

“But that’s not really the point, Roxy. The point is that I like having you with me. The point is that the world is full of bigoted, homophobic, self-important bastards and I _hate_ having to play my father's game.” It sounded more and more like a growl the longer Axel continued. “The poin-.”

“I think the real point is that you just hate that you’re _losing_ your father’s game.” Roxas interrupted, and caught the frown that washed over Axel’s face. “I know you like your job. It just - has some unpleasant things that you have to deal with and have no choice over. That’s life, Axel. But I know you’ll find a way to cope,” supported Roxas.

He reached across towards Axel, tucking an outraged spike of red back behind the man’s ear.

The heat seemed to leave Axel a little and Roxas could hear the deeper, more relaxed breathes Axel was pulling in and out of his chest.

“To be fair it was just a matter of time before he caught you out, and you know it. I know how you introduce me to your colleagues, or business partners, or whatever and whoever all those people are. I’m always ‘ _that friend from out of town_ ’. And I’m ok with that, Axel, but at the same time _I_ don’t even buy it, despite how we try to appear when we are at these things together. I know that in your line of work image is everything. So just go and play your father’s game. I’ll be alright.” Roxas tried to break up his serious tone with a bright smile. 

Axel looked disgruntled. “You know I’m not ashamed of you. I’m not ashamed of our relationship. I’d fuck you right in the middle of that function room if you’d let me.”

Roxas laughed a little, feeling slightly embarrassed about the passion Axel held towards him. 

“I know, Axel. I’m not worried about that. It’s really alright. You take whoever you need to take with you. The prospect of never having to wear a suit and tie again in my life makes me actually really happy,” grinned Roxas.

“But you look so sexy in them,” rumbled Axel low in his chest, turning to drink in Roxas’ form whilst licking his lips.

Roxas felt the butterflies coming alive again in his stomach. “Eyes on the road, Axel, or we’ll never make it home for you to strip me down.”


	11. The Green Turtle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas hangs out with Xion and completely forgets about the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, disregard the PSA from the last chapter. It appears we are back on for our regular scheduled programming. I've added 6000 more words to this entire fic and think it is better for it. - Oo, Thanks Babs34 for pointing this out - just to clarify - all extra content has only been added from this chapter onward. I haven't added anything to the previous chapters. That be mean. 
> 
> So without further ado...

Axel started taking Roxas out less and less. There were still very informal functions and luncheons which Roxas attended, but they were far and few between. Roxas could see that Axel felt disgruntled over having to leave Roxas at home. He seemed even more peeved about having to make himself available to women. It always left him grumbling, and returning with a sour look on his face. Roxas always tried to be home so he could greet Axel to take the sting and bitterness out of the other man.

One evening Axel had returned in a slightly better mood. 

“Hey, Rrrroxy,” arms slung very low around his waist and Roxas was pulled into a hot kiss, which left him breathless.

“Hey,” huffed Roxas hoarsely in reply once Axel’s tongue had left his mouth. That kiss, and the way Axel trilled his name made Roxas extremely hungry for the redhead. “What’s gotten you into such a mood?” Roxas buried his hands underneath Axel’s business shirt and stroked the warm flesh he found there.

“I’ve been spending the last couple of weeks attending events with this chick. You know the one.”

“Yeah,” Roxas nodded. “The real pretty one you think your _dad_ would love. The one who comes from a _crazy rich_ family - one that your _dad_ would love,” remembered Roxas. “But I thought _you_ weren’t so sure about her.”

“Mmm, I think I _am_ getting more sure about her. We always dance together, but tonight we bagged out my dad’s company the entire time, before we left to go get some _real_ food,” grinned Axel, and placed kisses on Roxas’ neck.

“Burgers and chips, huh?” laughed Roxas.

“Ya,” Axel pulled back, before continuing, “She didn’t even want a good-night kiss or anything when I took her home. I told her she might be my dream girl. You know what she did?”

“No, what?”

“Stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry at me.”

Roxas laughed. “Yeah, definitely your dream girl. No decorum.”

Axel’s belly laugh brought joy to Roxas.

“Naminé’s pretty great. I don’t get the feeling she cares too much. She’s definitely not as clingy as Bethany or Margarete.”

“Naminé?” breathed Roxas in surprise.

Axel’s eyes narrowed in concern. “Something wong?”

“No. Definitely not. I used to go to school with Naminé. I saw her a few weeks ago, when I was talking to that other girl.”

“Oh, you mean your _one true friend_ in a sea of awful people?” recounted Axel.

“Yep, that’s the one.”

“So since you know her, what would you rate Naminé then?”

“Oh she’s completely out of your league. I’m actually surprised she’s been sticking it out with you for this long.”

That closed their discussion and started a bitter tickling war, which ended up with rumpled clothes discarded on the floor, and loud pleasurable moaning emanating from the walk-in-closet. 

* * *

 

It was a particularly quiet week when Roxas had at last found his way downtown, heading in the direction of Xion’s noodle bar. Roxas had finally remembered why Xion’s name had rung a bell as he made his way down the avenue to look for _The Green Turtle_. The name could have been a coincidence but when he found the restaurant he grinned broadly.

It looked familiar, from the face type to the logo design.

He entered the noodle bar to be instantly greeted by a ‘ _Welcome to The Green Turtle, please take a seat!_ ’ 

When Xion looked up to brightly smile at her customer her smile only grew bigger when she realized who had walked in. 

“Roxas! You _finally_ came! I’m _so_ glad to see you!” 

Xion hadn’t been kidding when she called it small all those weeks ago. There was barely enough space for even one person to squeeze down the aisle, past the row of seats, facing the bar and kitchen station. Roxas grinned broadly. This felt like _home_ to him.

“You’re just in time to deal with the looming lunch rush hour.” 

Xion threw a stained apron at Roxas’ head, which he managed to catch, and tied it around himself without even a second thought.

* * *

 

Xion and Roxas worked side by side as if they had done this their whole lives. Roxas knew where everything was without ever having to ask, and both danced around each other in the kitchen space, never getting in each other’s way. They quickly and efficiently served dozens of customers. 

The key to having so few seats was to cook fast, and serve fast. Everyone was in a rush so they gobbled up their dished within a few minutes, leaving and vacating the space for the next patron. The lunch hour passed quickly in this manner and Xion’s presumably regular customer base all gave their thumbs up to Roxas on their way out.

Some time between the lunch crowd and the dinner crowd the place settled down enough for the two chef’s to be able to relax and tidy up.

“You’ve got the job, if you want it.” Xion didn’t look up from preparing the soup stock which they would be using in a few hours time.

“I didn’t even have an interview.” Roxas smiled to himself as he was drying some of the bowles. 

“You had the interview two years ago when you went to work in my parents kitchen. They always talked about you. ‘ _Roxas this_ ’ and _‘Roxas that_ ’. I thought I would hate you if I ever had to meet you.”

Roxas laughed. “And do you?”

Xion’s smile engulfed her eyes as she shook her head in response.

“Good. They always spoke about how proud they were of their ‘ _little girl_ ’ but also how disappointed they were that you never called them. They always had to contact you.” 

Roxas had remembered why the name _Xion_ had sounded familiar. Having seen the way _The Green Turtle_ looked only confirmed that this had to be Sheng and Fen’s ‘ _Xion’_ who had gone abroad to travel. Roxas marveled at how truly small the world was.

“That’s because they never stopped talking about you!” Xion flung a noodle, which had gotten stuck on the side of one of the pots, at Roxas. It caught him square on the cheek and he plucked it off and ate it, eliciting a laugh from Xion. 

“You’re gross! I like that about you. We’ll get on like a house on fire!”

Roxas and Xion both spoke about how strange it was that they should finally meet after having known about each other through Xion’ parents. After they both came to the conclusion that it must be fated, Roxas spent some time catching Xion up about news from Wutai and how her parents were fairing, before the dinner rush commenced. 

The two chef’s began their intricate dance and partnership once more and in this fashion the hours sped past.

By the time 9 o’clock rolled past the noodle bar was empty again.

“That was so much fun, Xion. I didn’t know you ran your own restaurant. You parent’s never spoke about it.”

“Well I haven’t told them. They think I’m just studying and seeing the world. If they knew what I was actually doing they would probably try and butt in. Give me their sage advice. Try and run the show in my stead. I can’t have that. I need to figure out my own way.”

Roxas could certainly admire and relate to Xion’s drive to be her own person and figuring out her own way through life. “But you do have a pretty similar set-up to your parents. Doesn’t look like they need to interfere much to make this place feel like _The Turtle Paradise_ ,” he teased gently to see what she would say. 

“Well if it’s not broken don’t fix it. The dishes are all me though,” she smiled.

“They’re really good dishes too. I’d never have thought to use gelatin broth in such a unique way.”

Xion grinned at him. “You will learn many things under my tuition, youngling.”

Roxas laughed, remembering how Fen had always spoken like that to him. He smiled back at her, feeling genuinely excited about that prospect, before he - for the first time that day - noticed the buzzing sound from his coat, which he had left underneath a counter in the corner of the bar section.

A heaviness bloomed in his chest. “Oh no!” Panic seized him. “Axel is going to be _so pissed!_ ”

Roxas rushed over and checked his phone. 15 missed calls, 11 voicemails, 23 messages all along the same lines of ‘ _Where are you?_ ’. There were even a few missed calls from Zack.

“Shit!” 

Roxas hurriedly dialed Axel’s number, feeling nauseas. Xion looked on with perplexed interest.

The call was answered instantly, and Roxas launched into his apology. “I am so, so, _so_ sorry, Axel! I’m fine, I’ve just been working at _The Green Turtle_. Remember? I told you I’d be coming here to hang out with Xion for a little bit? Time got away from me, I’m so sorry. Don’t be mad!

“Come home, Roxas. _Now_.”

Axel hung up.

Roxas’ stomach had sunk into the bottom of his shoes. His hands felt like icicle.

“Do you have a curfew or something?”

Roxas grabbed his things, checking to make sure he was leaving nothing behind and started for the door.

Roxas began saying something but the words died in his throat. He had never thought about it in those terms. He blinked dumbly at the idea of a ‘ _curfew_ ’ before starting up again, “No. Axel just likes me to be home when he is. I should have let him know where I was.”

Xion frowned a little.

“You’ll come back tomorrow, right?”

Roxas flashed a smile. “You betcha! I accept the job!”

* * *

 

When Roxas arrived he had been met with a tremendous and rib crushing hug, as well as sweltering heat. The fireplace had been lit again. It churned something unpleasant in his stomach and caused more tension to harden and strain his muscled.

Axel grabbed Roxas and dragged him further into the penthouse. The man’s face was thin and drawn with hours of worry. It made Roxas feel ten times worse than how he had felt over their misunderstanding when Roxas had stayed out at Sora's parents place.

“God, Rox, you nearly gave me a heart attack! I’ve been calling you for _hours_! This is what phones were _invented_ for! To stay in touch. What could have been so important that you wouldn’t pick up?”

Axel flung Roxas onto the sofa while he paced, pulling at his hair and rubbing at his face.

Roxas just grew colder and colder, despite the heat and stuffiness of the room getting thicker.

“I’m so relieved you’re ok. How could you put me through that? Don’t you care? You’re such a little kid sometimes Roxas. I feel like your parent, having to remind you of how to behave. It’s not acceptable for you to be doing this. For you to lose track of time like this. I was so worried. So stressed! I was gonna go out there and look for you. But where would I even begin?”

There was frustration, anger, sadness. Deeply uncomfortable hurts. In both men. Roxas was shut down every time he opened his mouth to try and say something.

“I even called Zack to get in touch with you. Just in case you didn’t pick up because it was _me_ calling you. How fucking stupid is that? Why should I even worry about something like that? He told me he couldn’t get through to you either. Then I got _really_ worried. What if you had an accident? Watching you ride your motorbike stresses me out, man. Just let me get you a car already. One with airbags and seatbelts. If anything happens to you they wouldn’t call me. I’m not your next of kin. You don’t even _have_ a next of kin listed, and if you did then no one would be able to get through to your idiot brother anyway. He’s completely useless. You could be dead in a morgue somewhere, just another _'John Doe'_ , and I’d never fucking even know about it! I can’t stand not knowing where you are, Rox.”

Roxas should have been more careful. He should have been more considerate. He hated hurting Axel and making him worry like this. He didn’t even need to hear it from Axel’s mouth. He knew it all already anyway. But he still listened.

“You missing a _couple_ of calls, I can understand. I’m trying to get better at not having freak outs, but I _called you fifteen_ times, Roxas. _Fifteen_! There’s no excuse for that. None. What could be so important that you forget all about what we’ve talked about in the past? You promised this wouldn’t happen again. I don’t know what to do with myself when you disappear like that, without a word. You need to give me the address of that place. Had I known I could have come to check on you. Why does it feel like you don’t tell me things? Like there are all these half truths? Like you’re _trying_ to keep me away.”

“Just, please, Rox, promise me you’ll do better. Promise me this won’t happen again. I need you to pick up. I need you to respond. I fucking love you too much. I don’t ever want you to be away from me again. I don’t ever want to have to worry about you and if you’re safe and happy. That shit _kills_ me. Don’t kill me, Rox. Don’t be selfish, don’t be stupid. Be responsible.”

It went on like that for a bit longer. He switched between affectionate words and hard as ice ones, regarding how inconsiderate, thoughtless and selfish Roxas had been. Axel had been too furious for Roxas to get a word in edgeways. 

Roxas recognized that today he was the bad guy, and that nothing could change that for the moment. He sat, looking at the crackling and spitting fire dancing in the fireplace. He absorbed the verbal lashings, turning them into feelings of intense guilt, and trying to figure out how he could make things better, and not repeat the same mistakes again.

Axel had searched and waited for him, and this is how Roxas repaid him? Axel didn't need to say the words for Roxas to feel them. He still felt horrendous for having put his love through so much. He felt even worse for having forgotten Axel. He would never tell the man, but he would also never forget that he _had_ forgotten. Roxas felt he deserved Axel’s anger. He became determined not to disappoint the man he loved again. 

Axel might have been pissed but it hadn't stopped them from engaging in a very lustfilled and passionate session of love making after the anger in Axel had simmered down. 

Roxas hoped that this in part might have been the reason why Axel awoke the next morning in a much cooler and calmer state of mind. Axel had apologized for his overblown reaction the night before and reiterated that it was purely out of love for Roxas that he had flown off the handle.

Roxas finally had a chance to explain his side of the story over breakfast and informed Axel that he would start working at _The Green Turtle_ from this day forward. 

They parted on good terms that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear... >__>


	12. Disappeared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People and feelings vanish. Only anger and resentment remains.

Business was good at _The Green Turtle_. Xion and Roxas were garnering a reputation for the stellar meals they were cooking, as well as the speediness of the service. Within just two weeks the line had been out of the door. Xion even began contemplating the possibility of renting a larger space and making Roxas her business partner.

She had discussed this with him on multiple occasions, and today she was at it again as Roxas was gathering his things to leave for the day.

“You know I’m really excited for you - but you also know I’ll be going back to Wutai to look after the soup kitchen there. So can you please drop it?”

“I’ll stop talking about you and me going into business together when you show some actual conviction about going back to Wutai. Right now all I’m seeing is you staying here until forever.”

Roxas frowned at the truth Xion spoke. Roxas still had every intention of going back but he never knew how to bring the topic up with Axel. There had never been a concrete plan when Roxas had returned to Radiant Gardens. At worst he had figured he would stay a few weeks and catch up with his friends if Axel hadn’t been around. At best he might have lingered until he had gotten all his affairs sorted.

“You know that I’m waiting for my brother to come and join me here. And then I’ll be leaving.”

“You’re always so in two minds about this, Roxas. Saying you don’t want to interfere with your brothers life, and then saying you’re just staying here until he comes back to be with you and his boyfriend. How’s that going to happen if you _don’t_ interfere? Just sounds like excuses to me. Excuses that all say the same thing,” Xion put on a deeper voice, trying to mimic Roxas, “ ‘ _I’m gonna stay here forever’_.”

Xion had become a close confidant for Roxas in the limited time that he had known her for. That was really bad, because she now had a lot of ammunition against him.

“I _will_ go back,” grumbled Roxas.

“When? If it’s tomorrow then fine, but if it’s in one year, or two, or ten then we can make plans together here.”

“I’ll go -,” Roxas was hesitant. 

“Whenever you grow a backbone and tell Axel what your own plans for the future are. That’s the truth Roxas, and you know it.”

Xion liked to talk like that about Axel. Like the man was in control of Roxas’ life. It irritated Roxas, but lately he also found it harder to deflect her assertions. He could see how he was always expected to acquiesce to Axel’s demands, plans and schedules. Apparently Xion was seeing it too. 

How could she not? Axel had been coming around to _The Green Turtle_ , whisking Roxas away at the close of day, and sometimes even earlier than Roxas would have liked. Roxas had to go whenever it suited Axel the most. It began pissing him off more and more.

Sometimes Roxas felt like his own wishes, desires and life choices didn’t matter. He sometimes felt like he had found himself a replacement for his brother when it came to taking charge of Roxas’ life. 

He _loathed_ that thought the most.

Roxas renewed his efforts to leave the small bar, not wanting to talk or think about the growing unease he felt in relation to the domineering man in his life.

“Do you really have to go? I want to talk to you more about this. If you can’t commit to working with me at least help me look through some prospective places. You know I appreciate your insights. And we always have a great time hanging out after work… when Axel lets you,” she muttered. “Tell Axel that you’ll be home late tonight.”

“I can’t, Xion. Axel expects me home before ten.”

“He’s not your babysitter, Roxas. He’s your _boyfriend_. You can come and go as you please, can’t you? You’re a grown man. Who cares what time you get home, as long as you tell him you’ll be out.”

“Not this again, please,” begged Roxas.

This was another thing Xion used as ammunition to make Roxas uncomfortable. It was yet another example of Roxas being under Axel’s thumb. Roxas always defended and fought hard to validate the arrangements he and Axel made between each other. He vehemently kept insisting that no one was under anyone’s thumb, but again, lately it was harder and harder to believe his own deflections and excuses.

“C’mon Roxas. Just stay a bit longer. Axel always makes you get home by a certain time but he never shows you the courtesy to be home, or meet you on time, when _you_ make plans. It’s unfair for him to hold you to one set of standards but then not follow his own stupid rules.” Xion stated, using Roxas’ own grumbling words, which he had used so many times before, against him.

Roxas huffed. It was true, and made Roxas amazingly agitated and angry at times. If Axel ever ran late he never gave any notice, nor apology. It was always Roxas who was expected to adhere to the arrangements and promises they made to each other. It was always Roxas who had to change his plans. 

“Just tell Axel you’ll be an hour late. He doesn't own you, does he?”

“No, he doesn’t,” Roxas rumbled with more conviction than he had felt in a while.

* * *

 

Roxas began staying later and later at _The Green Turtle_ with Xion, telling Axel not to come around and collect him either. It was like an act of defiance in some small way. Axel began to become more and more irritated about the whole situation, which only caused Roxas to stay out for prolonged periods of time. 

It was like a vicious loop, which kept reinforcing itself.

Their conversations also would go around old familiar patterns, hashing over the same grievances over and over again, and ending in the same predictable ways.

_“Why do you have to stay out so late?”_

_“She’s my friend, and she could really use my help.”_

_“We never get to spend any time together, Roxy. I miss you.”_

_“You say that, but the night’s I am here I end up having to wait for you. Why can’t you come home early or on time? Why is it always on me?”_

_“My work’s important. I can’t just drop everything to come home. People rely on me.”_

_“And people also rely on _me_. Why is it ok for you to be out but not for me?”_

_“I love you. I want to keep you safe.”_

And that is where they would usually drop the conversation, either turning to cuddling on the lounge while watching a movie, or alternatively they would opt for sex. 

But on one particular night neither of those two options took place.

* * *

 

Extra tension had come between the two of them. 

Several weeks ago Roxas had discovered that his brother had gone missing. It had been a huge shock. They didn’t speak that often to one another any longer. Somewhere along the lines they had even begun sending each other text messages to check in with each other.

Cloud had started it by sending messages inquiring about how Roxas was doing, and written one sentence status updates for himself, informing Roxas that he was fine. Roxas had taken that as a good sign somehow. 

He thought maybe Cloud was becoming stronger about not needing people so much in his life anymore. Maybe the distance between them was a sign that Cloud was achieving what he had set out to accomplish. It had made Roxas quietly confident that his brother was well on his way to recovery.

But one day he had called Yuffie to have their regular long distance catch-up sessions when she had inquired how Cloud was doing.

That resulted in a lot of confusion from Roxas.

“ _What do you mean ‘How’s Cloud?’ Why are you asking me? You’re the one living with him._ ”

“ _No. Cloud left almost three weeks ago now. He was going back to Radiant Gardens, I’m pretty sure. Squall had given him an ultimatum. Either he goes and lives with you, or he had to start having more quiet sex so I can get my beauty sleep._ ”

Roxas had demanded for Yuffie to put Squall on, which she had done after some protest.

Squall had filled Roxas in on the situation and the conversation which had followed after Zack had been down to deliver a photograph. 

Everything had been incredibly confusing.

Roxas also hadn’t been spending so much time with Zack any longer as per Axel’s request, so he had no idea that Zack had even been down to Wutai. The whole situation caused Roxas panic. 

His brother had gone missing. 

Roxas’ every spare waking moment had become filled with trying to uncover the mystery of Cloud’s whereabouts for a week after that revelation.

He had tried calling so - _so -_ many times, always to be greeted with a disconnected service sound. He sent messages and even some emails asking Cloud to let him know that he was fine. He hoped in desperation that the messages would get through. He had even been ready to hop on his bike and head out to try and find him, but Axel had spoken common sense to him.

“ _You have no idea where he would have gone. Take it from someone who has spent a lot of time looking for someone; the world is a big place. He could be anywhere, Roxy_.”

And -

“ _He’s been out there looking after himself for so many years. He knows what he’s doing._ ”

And - 

“ _He’s probably just got awful reception or something._ ” 

Axel was great. He had a way of calming Roxas in anxious moments. He had a way of talking Roxas down, and he loved and appreciated that about the man. But Roxas still felt far more snappy than usual. It had been almost two weeks since Roxas had heard anything from his brother. Roxas’ temper was barely containable anymore.

So when Axel had berated Roxas for coming home late, yet one more night, Roxas had lost his cool.

It had ended the same way -

“I love you, Roxy. I just worry about you coming home so late, in the dark. And today it’s been raining as well.”

But now it continued on -

“You’re not worried about that, Axel. Give it a rest already. Why are you always so paranoid about the people I hang out with? If you're not fixated on how I choose to spend my time with Tiffany at the soup kitchen, or Gren at the grocery store, you fixate on my relationship with Xion. And don’t even get me started about your unreasonable worries regarding Zack and me. Why do you have such a terrible opinion of me that you can't even trust me, or believe that I can take care of myself?”

“I just want to maximize our time together, since we're both so busy.”

“That’s such bullshit. You’re trying to be _cute_ with me again. If you were really wanting to ‘ _maximize_ _our time together_ ’,” there he used a mocking and derisive tone, “then you would be putting more effort into keeping your scheduled appointments with me.”

“It’s not so easy. Emergencies happen all the time,” whined Axel.

“Trust me, Axel, _I know_ about emergencies. But again, why is it ok for you to deal with your emergencies, but when I need to look after my own you get all snarky?”

Roxas threw his rain jacket on the floor in a huff.

“You know how much I love you, Roxy. I get jealous when other people get to spend more time with you than I do.”

Roxas groaned in frustration.

“It’s like talking to a brick wall! You know what I think? I think the ‘ _jealousy_ ’ is just a front. It’s a game you like to play. The truth is you’re nothing but a ‘ _control freak_ ’,” spat Roxas, ignoring the wounded look in green eyes.

Axel huffed where he was sitting, and he really looked like he was trying to keep a level head and stop himself from exploding. The man looked away, pressing lips into a thin line, holding his tongue. He took a moment before he was able to turn back to Roxas and say the next sentence. “You think I’m _controlling_ you? Where’s that coming from? You’ve been unreasonable ever since you started working at that turtle place. You stay out all the time. You tell me you’ll be home by ten but then come home an hour or two later, without ever explaining -.”

“Why do I have to explain myself to you? I let you know I will be late. That should be enough for you.” Roxas’ body began quaking, 

“You owe me explanations, because that’s what people who care about each other do! You shut me out like you don’t even _want_ me in your life. Like I’m some sort of a hinderance.”

“You fucking _are_ a hinderance,” spat Roxas. “Believe it or not, Axel - there are actually other people in my life besides you. There are _more importan_ t people who need me from time to time. And I bet that just eats you up inside.” Roxas knew which buttons to press with Axel. He couldn’t stop himself from pushing them all. He was frustrated and angry at himself, his brother, and Axel.

Both their tempers had freyed and finally snapped due to the prolonged strain of pushing and pulling against each other for weeks, and even months on end.

Axel had tried to keep his cool for the most part, but he finally jumped up from where he had attempted to lounge calmly. His body went rigid and he clamped his hands into tight fists, trying to hold it in.

“You are so ungrateful, Roxas! I did everything for you. I waited for you. I took care of Sephiroth for you. I provided you with shelter. I did all of that because I love you and because I want us to be together. But now you’re doing _nothing_ but pulling away.”

Roxas felt like he could scream, and his voice steadily rose. “I _never_ asked you to do any of those things. Those were always your own choices, Axel. Don’t you dare put this on me. Don’t you dare make me feel like I owe you shit, because I _don’t_. Everything you did was out of love - I get it.” Roxas’ voice finally reached that elevated pitch, “But the way you are showing your love _right now_ is not welcome anymore. I feel like a prisoner here. This is _your_ home. _Your_ things, and I’m _your_ fucking captive.”

“You really feel that way?” came the incredulous response.

“We are together but everything is always under _your_ terms. I get no say in anything! You feel more like a jailor than the man who supposedly loved me since we were little. You’re more in love with people caring for you than you ever were with me,” he trembled. “Just admit it. You love to be loved but you can’t give any back. All you ever do is take, and expect others to give!”

Despite Roxas not wanting to, he was still shouting. His heart thumped a mile a minute in his chest, and every part of him was on fire with anger.

Axel took one large step towards Roxas. His face twisted with rage and fists shaking. 

The heat between them and in the room was stifling. The air thick with tension. Both men trembled with raw emotion.

“How fucking _dare_ you!”

Roxas’ eyes were full of contempt for the man who took and wasn’t willing to give an inch. “Exactly! I _dare_! And I bet you can’t fucking _stand_ that. You can’t stand that things aren’t going - _Your. Exact. Way._ ” He dug a sharp finger into the middle of Axel’s chest with each pointed word. “You’re a spoilt brat, Axel. You were back then in the hospital, and you’re still one now!” 

A loud clap rang through the air as Axel’s hand made contact with Roxas’ face.

Roxas thought his heart had stopped. Everything felt numb but his face burned. The heat had been knocked out of him and a faint ringing buzzed in his ear. He turned his head back to where he had been looking into fiery green only moments before the awful contact.

Those green eyes were wide with stunned shock, and Axel’s mouth hung open much like Roxas’ was.

Tempers were dowsed and a chill ran between them. Both men looked at each other in silence, with racing pulses.

“Rox-”

“Don’t!” was Roxas’ sharp bark. He grabbed his jacket back off the floor and made a big show of leaving his phone on the table on his way out. 

Roxas could hear Axel walking towards him as he waited for the elevator to reach the top floor. “If you follow me, I swear I will leave this city and _never_ come back,” the fury was still evident in his voice.

He refused to turn to look at Axel, even when the elevator came and the doors opened and closed behind him.


	13. Rebuilding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas goes to the only place he can and tries to somehow move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with Chapter 1 of [The Search For Absolution](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7808803/chapters/17819284) \- you can read it now.

It was late at night. Roxas had taken his bike out and hooned around the city aimlessly for a while. He was so angry at Axel and himself. He had purposefully dug into Axel. He shouldn't have said those things, but at the same time he wished he had said a _lot more_. 

Roxas’ face still stung. It stung more as his tears streamed over the hot mark. 

He couldn't go to Xion. She would say ‘ _I told you so_ ’. Roxas didn’t need that at this moment. So instead he found himself outside of Zack’s warehouse. Zack had always been there for him and Cloud. Zack had always been caring and compassionate. Roxas needed that right now.

He felt terrible for it, but he banged loudly on the door for a while. When that didn’t net him any attention he began banging on the metal shutters, which made a much louder sound. Soon after he started he could hear the shout of, ‘ _Alright, alright, I’m coming!,_ ’ and abruptly stopped the noise making. 

The door opened a few short moments later, and Zack emerged, dressed in shorts and a singlet, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

“What on earth’s the matter? You hate sleep or som-,” Zack trailed off when he saw who it was.

On seeing Zack a new wave of tears suddenly erupted from Roxas. He ran to the man and threw his arms around him, sobbing into his broad shoulders.

Zack embraced him and ruffled Roxas’ hair soothingly. “Roxas, what’s wrong? - Is it Cloud?” 

Roxas could hear the slight rise of panic in the other man's voice. He shook his head and uttered a ‘ _No_ ’. He didn’t want to alarm him.

Zack lead the way inside and upstairs where Denzel was waiting worriedly. On seeing the state that Roxas was in Denzel went and got him a glass of water. 

Roxas was lead to the sofa and pushed down into it. He took the offered drink with a _‘Thanks’_ , and Zack dismissed Denzel, urging him to go get more sleep, leaving the two of them alone in low lamp light.

“I’m sorry to wake you so late.”

“Never mind that, Rox. Are you alright?” Zack worriedly looked Roxas over in minute detail. His hand went up to Roxas’ face, tilting the cheek, which had been struck, towards the lamp light. Zack’s eyes widened with horror before narrowing dangerously as he saw the slight swelling beginning to form.

“I’m going to murder that bastard.”

“No - Zack. No. It wasn’t his fault. I -I made him do it. We got into an argument. I yelled at him. I said _really_ hurtful things. I des-.”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Roxas,” snapped Zack, with a glower.

Roxas shut his mouth, but his bottom lip trembled with a fresh onset of tears.

“Gods, you two are so much alike,” came the almost angry sounding voice. Zack got up and went to the kitchen to get an ice pack, wrapped it in a towel and held it against Roxas’ face once he returned. 

They sat in silence for a while. Roxas’ hand brushed against Zack’s gently as he took over the ice pack holding duty.

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Well I’m glad you came here. There will always be a space for you here.”

Roxas smiled and then winced a little as his swollen skin stretched uncomfortably.

“Axel and I have been arguing a lot lately,” began Roxas tentatively. “He doesn't like it when I go places without him. But he’s always too busy to come and do things with me. I called him selfish. I called him spoilt,” Roxas said with disdain in his voice. Now that he could get some distance between himself and those heated feelings he felt even worse about what he had done.

“Axel _is_ all those things though,” reassured Zack.

“But I shouldn’t have said it. I shouldn’t have said it while I was angry. But-,” Roxas sat in silence for a moment. He ventured a glance at Zack, who just sat quietly, eyes brimming with intense concentration, making Roxas feel like he was the most important person in the world right now. His heart began pounding a fraction more strongly and an uncomfortable heat began creeping up his neck.

Roxas felt embarrassed about what he was about to confess.

“I said what I said so he would hit me. I did what I did so I had an excuse to leave. I’m a terrible person, Zack. I love Axel. I don’t know why-.” Roxas bit his bottom lip firmly and frowned. “I feel trapped in the relationship with him. I feel like - like I cannot live my own life. I have to answer to him all the time. I have to explain where I go, who I see, and what I do. It’s wearing me out,” he admitted.

“Is that why I haven’t heard from you in so long?” wondered Zack.

Roxas nodded and scrunched up his face in bitterness. “I don’t want to live like this anymore. But I feel so bad. Axel has done so much for me. I know how much he cares. He looked - he looked so incredibly sorry after he hit me. But I didn’t want to hear it, so I left.”

Zack sat in thought for a while, and Roxas sat in painful memories of what had transpired between him and Axel only two hours prior.

“It sounds like you two need some distance between each other. It’s not good to be enmeshed into each other's lives. Axel has been waiting for you so long - he’s probably forgotten that you are your own person. That you have your own life to live.”

Roxas nodded, fresh tears falling yet again. It had been an incredibly long day for him. He was worn out and he finally felt it. He closed his eyes and sighed. 

But his eyes opened abruptly as he felt a warm hand on the uninjured side of his face. Zack smiled sorrowfully at Roxas, wiping the tears away. Roxas’ heart only thrummed harder and the heat in his cheeks became more intense. Roxas leaned into the touch, not thinking, and raised his hand over Zack’s so he could feel the warmth from that hand more intensely.

“Thanks, Zack. Thanks for being here,” muttered Roxas into the other man's hand.

“Let's go to sleep, Roxas. I think it’ll do us both some good,” murmured Zack in reply. 

Zack lead Roxas into his bedroom and sat him down on his bed.

“You can stay here for as long as you need to, Rox. If I see Axel I’ll tell him to back off and give you some space. Go back to him only when you feel ready, ok?”

Roxas smiled and then winced, but not from the pain on his face, but from the pain in his heart. Cloud had said the same thing to him so many years ago.

“Zack-,” Roxas stopped the man as he was in the process of grabbing a pillow to make his way out to sleep on the sofa.

“Yeah?”

“I know it’s maybe… a bit _weird_ , but… Can you stay with me, just for tonight? I don’t want to be alone.” An involuntary squeak forced itself out of Roxas’ chest as it constricted all around him in sadness. Roxas felt lonely. He missed Cloud. He missed having someone caring and loving in his life. He wanted Zack to pick up that mantle for the time being.

Zack looked hesitant. “You’ll be less cramped if I go sleep on the sofa.”

“I’ve spent years perfecting the art of sleeping in cramped spaces. I don’t think one more night is going to do me any harm,” Roxas strained, but added a smile and a laugh for light hearted measure, before tacking on a heartfelt, “ _Please?_ ” and making big puppy dog eyes at the man.

Zack looked out into the living area and towards the small uncomfortable sofa, then back at his cushy, and truthfully, big enough bed. He looked at Roxas who was so tear soaked and hurt - so much like Cloud. Zack was weary and his self control had been completely run down into non existence for the day. Breathing out in defeat he closed the door and curled himself up next to Roxas for the night. 

* * *

 

They didn’t just spend _one_ night sleeping together, however. 

Roxas had been feeling excessively teary over the heartache Axel had caused him, and Zack hadn’t been able to say ‘ _no’_ to Roxas’ pleas for more nightly comforts.

His nights were filled with fitful sleep. Roxas was grateful to have Zack beside him. Arms were always wrapped around, holding Roxas close and never letting go. It sent flutters through Roxas as he nestled in Zack’s caring embrace.

After the first few days their sleeping arrangement seemed to become uncomfortable for Zack. 

Zack didn’t say anything, probably not wanting to cause any more upset for Roxas than he was already experiencing, but Roxas noticed none the less. Zack began pulling back, trying to distance himself from Roxas during the day. He gave excuses and seemingly valid reasons. But Roxas could see past it. 

Truthfully Roxas was also becoming uncomfortable with how comfortable he was getting. He didn’t want to cause trouble for Zack so stopped insisting on needing Zack next to him for comfort after a while.

This then seemed to allow Zack to pull out a spare mattress he had kept from when Cloud and Roxas had bunkered down at his place for a short while, which resolved the sleeping situation.

The few days that Roxas had intended to stay at Zack’s place turned into a week, and then two.

They had moved Roxas’ bike to the very back of the warehouse so when Axel inevitably showed up to ask Zack if he had seen Roxas he could deny that Roxas was hiding out upstairs. Despite the denials however Roxas and Zack were both pretty confident that Axel did know that Roxas was around.

Roxas tried to ignore the worried and apologetic tones he could hear in Axel’s voice, as it often drifted up the stairs. He tried to ignore all the loud talking of ‘ _Please, if you see him tell him I’m sorry. Tell him to please come home. I love him. I miss him’_. 

It reminded Roxas of the last time he had hidden out in Zack’s warehouse. That only brought him pain, however.

He was glad he had left his phone with the man, otherwise he was pretty confident that he would have folded and come home to Axel within hours of having left in the first place.

Roxas just needed space. And it didn’t seem like Axel was very good at giving it.

Roxas had hauled himself up at Zack’s, not wanting to go to his usual charity duties or even go to _The Green Turtle_. He feared Axel would be waiting for him, ready to charm Roxas back into accepting the life he had finally managed to free himself from. 

He didn’t enjoy being cooped up inside though, so Roxas spent several of his days going on deliveries with Denzel, where the two of them talked and got to know each other. Roxas got his wish of speaking about Wutai and getting an idea about how Denzel felt about the prospect of ever going back. 

“I never really think about it. I have hardly any memories of the place. I hardly even remember what my parents looked like,” he shrugged.

“Yeah, I get what you mean. I don’t really think about any of the stuff in my past either. I don’t remember dad too much, but I still remember mom.”

“Do you miss your parents?” asked Denzel.

“Of course, don’t you?”

The teen shrugged, “Not really. I don’t remember them. I miss Aerith. I miss the other kids. I wish I could miss Zack, but he’s always in my face,” he chuckled. “They're my family now. They’re where my home is. Not some far away place where I was born. That place means nothing to me.”

“I guess home is where our heart is.” Roxas smiled gently but tears tickled the edge of his eyes. He felt really torn in two, because his heart lay in two different places.

Roxas also, during his time spent with Zack, managed to broach the subject of Cloud’s disappearance. Zack had displayed much the same reaction that Roxas had been through when he had first been told the news. 

Roxas, filled with déjà vu, reasoned with Zack much the same way in which Axel had reasoned with him, when Roxas had been all gung-ho about going out and finding his brother. It made Roxas miss Axel for the first time since they had reunited at the clock tower. 

When Axel stopped coming around so much, and when he stopped calling Zack so much, it also allowed Roxas to feel less like a hunted animal. It gave Roxas the space he needed to let his thoughts drift more and more towards wondering what Axel was doing and how he was holding up.

Axel’s words to him stung a little bit. Words about not wanting to live without Roxas, words about how much he missed and loved him. About the pain the other man was in whenever he didn’t know how Roxas was fairing. He really hoped Axel was doing alright.

The worrying thoughts didn’t negate from Roxas relishing reacquainting himself with the freedom he felt he had been robbed of though. He could go wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted, with little to no question from Zack. Nor did he seem fussed if Roxas returned at strange times. He always just accepted Roxas to know his own mind and trusted Roxas in being able to look after himself. 

Roxas felt a fondness for Zack growing inside of himself. He found his eyes lingering on Zack for too long at times. His body buzzed when they were too close together. 

Roxas found it unsettling, and often called himself stupid, telling himself that he was just hurting too much from all the awful things Axel had put him through.

Roxas began to see how much of a prisoner he had been before. He still felt like one, even now, but for different reasons. He felt he couldn’t freely move around without being vigilant. He feared that he would not have the strength to fight for himself and stand up for what he wanted and believed in, if Axel came back into his life. He feared to be swept back up into Axel’s intensity. So he kept himself hidden, but he hated wasting his life in this way.

Roxas eventually moved out of Zack’s place as he needed some distance between himself and that man. He took Sora’s parent’s offer up of renting out Sora’s place. He had never told Axel that he had been offered a place to stay with them, and he was grateful for that now. Sora’s parents were very kind to him, and he loved sitting down and chatting with them over dinners, telling them stories of all his adventures in Wutai, and learning some great baking recipes.

Roxas even ventured to show his face at _The Green Turtle_ after some time, much to Xion’s immense relief. She shut the shop for several hours and they just talked about the events which took place over the last three weeks.

“I can’t believe he hit you!”

“I can’t either,” he said quietly, while sitting on a barstool at the counter of _The Green Turtle,_ facing Xion, who was standing in the kitchen area. “I also don’t think he could believe it himself. The way he looked at me, Xion - it breaks my heart.”

“Before or _after_ he hit you?” she challenged.

“Both,” he grimaced.

“It’s good that you got yourself out of there, Roxas. But please don’t ever think like you can’t come to me if bad stuff happens. I promise I’ll be as caring and compassionate as I can be and keep the ‘ _I told you so_ ’s to a bare minimum.”

Roxas’ lip quirked upwards. “Hopefully no more bad stuff will happen, but thanks, Xion. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“We’re ok, right? I haven’t been causing you any trouble with Axel, have I? I do ask you to stay back a lot.”

Roxas’ heart felt heavy. “It _has_ been causing me trouble,” he admitted. “But it’s got nothing really to do with you. I want to spend time with you. I love working here. It makes me happier than all the other stuff I do in my day.” Roxas smiled at her and received one right back. 

“You _are_ right though. All the stuff you’ve been telling me and warning me about; Axel shouldn’t be treating me the way he is. He isn’t my babysitter. He isn’t my chaperone. He isn’t in charge of my life, and I have myself to blame for not making that clearer to him from the get go. I just - get so caught up in _being_ with him that I forget myself. Have you ever experienced something like that?”

Xion shook her head, wearing an apologetic frown.

“Well good. I’m glad. It’s not nice to feel lost inside someone else. I think that’s always been my problem in life. I never stood up for myself. I never worked on being _somebody_ , because all my life I felt like a _nobody,_ and I never knew I _actually_ had a choice. I never felt confident until I met Axel.” His face drew together bitterly. “I’ve been working hard on building myself up, and changing. I think Axel is my weak point though.” Roxas huffed out of his nose loudly as he remembered an uncomfortable conversation with Zack years ago, “He built me up, and is now tearing me down. If I was getting the same shit from anyone else I’d have socked them and left them months ago. So… It’s good that this finally happened, Xion. It’s been a real wake up call. And, to be honest with you -,” Roxas frowned deeply, “the way this has been building over the months - I think it was kind of inevitable.”

“You make what you have with Axel sound _really_ bad, Roxas.”

“But it’s not. We have so much fun together - mmm… well we _had_ a lot of fun together.”

He heard Xion’s soft sigh. He kept his eyes focused on studying the wood grain of the varnished counter.

“He’s not a bad guy, Xion. He’s not,” defended Roxas vehemly and flicking his eyes up tentatively to meet her worry enshrouded face.

“I do believe you, Roxas. But not because you’re telling me this stuff. I believe you because of his actions.”

“Actions?” Roxas raised his head up at Xion.

“He came around a lot when you first stopped coming in for work. He wouldn’t tell me what happened between the two of you, but I got the feeling it wasn’t good. I had the feeling you finally had enough of his crap so I was quietly cheering for you. He kept coming around daily for a week, asking about you. I eventually told him off for you. I asked him if he ever thought of what your thoughts and wishes were on the things he demands from you. We just glared at each other for a while.”

“Then he kind of turned sweet, and asked me what I thought he needed to do to get you back. I told him that if he wants you back he needs to give you space. And that him coming around here so often wasn’t a good look either. I told him to back right off and give me space too, as a proof of concept. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone,” she smiled in a chipper way.

“And he did. That was a week and a bit ago and he’s stopped harassing me. So, he at least seems sincere. I think he can be a sweet guy, and I certainly don’t think he has no merits. It’s not like you’re attracted to crazy lost cause lunatics. If that were the case I would definitely be telling you about it, and shipping you off to Wutai myself, to get you away from him,” Xion waved a ladle around for some kind of emphazise.

Roxas thought about the time line. It seemed to coincide with when Axel stopped harassing Zack as well. Roxas was truly grateful to have Xion as an ally and he reached over the bar counter, pulling her into an awkward hug. 

“Thanks Xion,” he sniffled.

“Aww, Roxas. Don’t get all weepy on me. You want me to make you some of my dad’s ‘ _Cry No More_ ’ soup?”

Roxas’ eyes widened in horror and he released the girl. “Geez, no thanks. That stuff always made me cry _more_.”

Xion laughed. “Yeah, I think dad got the translation wrong, or puts the emphasis in the wrong spot, or something. Should be more like -,”

“Cry ‘ _No!’ More”,_ both said in unison, emphasizing the _no_ firmly, before cracking up with laughter.

When the rolling laughter subsided Xion continued.

“Naminé keeps telling me how much Axel talks about you. He really does miss you.” Xion gave him a sympathetic look. “But you just let him stew for a bit longer. Make him reassess the errors of his ways, ok?”

Roxas just sighed, sitting back down and returned his gaze towards the counter, tracing fingertips along the wood grain.

Xion pouted slightly and walked over to her small register cupboard to fetch something.

“Axel did actually come over one more time after I had a word with him.” Xion returned and gave Roxas his phone back.

“Thanks.” Roxas felt very drained from recounting everything to the girl. 

He switched his phone back on and watched it boot up. Axel had apparently charged it at some point.

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t even truly know Axel. Like he was just some puberty driven lusty crush, and now I’m stuck with him.”

Roxas sighed heavily, not daring to see what Xion’s eyes were telling him.

The sound of his message tone told Roxas that his phone had come back to life, and that he had apparently been missed. He had several unopened messages. The most recent of which was from Axel, and was the only one the man had sent, just a few days ago.

 _\- A strangled smile fell from your face_  
_\- It kills me that I hurt you this way_  
_\- The worst part is that I didn't even know_  
_\- Now there's a million reasons for you to go_  
_\- But if you can find a reason to stay_  
_\- I'll do whatever it takes_  
_\- To turn this around_  
_\- I know what's at stake_  
_\- I know that I've let you down_  
_\- And if you give me a chance_  
_\- Believe that I can change_  
_\- I'll keep us together whatever it takes **(1)**_

Roxas’ face contorted into a strange mixture of sadness and joy. They were lyrics from a song Roxas really liked. Roxas appreciated Axel’s sentiment and hoped he meant what he had sent him. But they were still a long way from patching things up.

His eyes were pulled away from the message when Xion spoke up.

“After what he’s been doing to you - why are you still here, Roxas? Why not just go back to Wutai?”

Roxas thought for only a moment. “I love him, Xion. If I didn’t I’d be gone. I don’t want it to end between us. I want to believe that we can fix this. I’ve always believed in Axel, even when others didn’t. That’s why he’s so overbearing. I’m precious to him. He just doesn't know how to be with me, I think. He doesn't know who I am now. All he remembers is how I used to be. I think I owe him. I think he deserves a chance to learn how to be with me. I really want him in my life.”

Thinking about what he had told Xion crystalised the love he had for the other man in his heart. They both needed to give this a second chance, but do it right this time around. Roxas tweaked the lyrics and sent them out with no regrets.

 _\- If you give me a break_  
_\- I'll keep us together, we both deserve much better_  
_\- But remember the time I told you the way that I felt_  
_\- That I'd be lost without you and never find myself_  
_\- Let's hold onto each other above everything else_  
_\- Start over **(1)**_

Roxas’ eyes drifted over the other unopened messages in his inbox. A few had been from Xion, and Yuffie. Once he saw the ones that had come from Cloud he forgot all about Axel.

- _Hey Roxas. How are you?_

_-Roxas, is everything alright?_

_-Rox, I’ve tried calling you. You need to let me know that you’re ok._

The last message had been received five days ago.

“Is everything alright?” came Xion’s concerned voice.

Roxas just nodded at her, unable to speak as his heart was in his throat. He dialed Cloud’s number, hoping and praying for a connecting signal.

The phone didn’t even have a chance to get through the first ring before it was picked up.

“ _Roxas!_ ” 

The line was extremely crackly.

“Cloud! You finally picked up!”

“ _What --- you talk--- about? You finally ---onded to me. Are you ok?_ ”

“Yeah. I’ve - just had a bit of phone trouble, that’s all. Everything is fine.” Roxas caught the scowl on Xion’s face in response to Roxas’ lie from his periphery. “But where are you? I know you left Wutai. I spoke to Squall. He said he told you to come see me. Where are you? The line is terrible.” Roxas felt sad and hurt that for some reason they had drifted so far apart that they would be comfortable with not keeping a closer eye on each other.

“ _Oh._ ”

“ ‘ _Oh’?_ Is that all you can say to me?”

“ _I’m ---ry, Roxas. I didn’t wa--- to worry you._ ”

“If that were true you would have contacted me earlier. I was worried _sick_ about you! I’ve been trying to reach you for weeks now.”

“ _I’m ok, Rox. The mountains --- really patchy reception ---. I was head--- to see you, but --- I changed my mind. I -._ ” 

There came a long pause in the conversation, and Roxas thought the line might have dropped out.

“Cloud? You still there?”

“ _Yeah - I ha--- --see mom._ ”

“Oh.”

“ _But --- coming right back. I swear to you._ ”

“Where are you now?” asked Roxas tentatively.

“ _About ---. ---should be there for winter._ ”

Roxas smiled weakly. “She will definitely like that.”

“ _Yeah, I kn---,_ ” replied Cloud. Roxas was pretty sure he could hear the smile behind those words and all that static.

They ended their call and Roxas was left in a pensive mood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha-ha! SONG LYRICS! They're back!... sort of.
> 
>  **(1)** \- Song Credit - _Whatever It Takes_ \- by **Lifehouse**


	14. Terms of Use

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Axel and Roxas learn how to be with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to let you know that part four will be uploaded a lot slower (once a week only) than part three. I'm still furiously adding bits and pieces to that bad boy XD
> 
>  _The Clock Tower_ 's last chapter will go up end of next week. *straps self in*

Things slowly got back to normal. Roxas had received only one message from Axel the day after he had sent his one, which simply read ‘ _Thank You_ ’ and that had been it. Roxas thought that Axel being so remorseful and respecting of Roxas’ space was definitely working for him. 

He grew to miss Axel more each day, but he held out, trying to test the other man. See if he could make Axel crack first - see if Axel was really sincere about respecting Roxas’ wishes.

Roxas kept busy with all the activities he enjoyed doing before. He went and did his good deeds for humanity, he cooked for people, and helped as much as he could. He was able to spend as much time with Xion and Zack as he wished. Roxas relished and reveled in his freedom. Not being accountable to anyone was refreshing.

He also slowly began a pattern of heading out into the city late in the night. Only to return home in the very early hours of the morning, after having spent the whole time at nightclubs by himself. He figured Axel was too high class now to be seen in some of the danker and seedier parts of the city. Roxas has missed letting loose.

One night Roxas had run into Axel’s acquaintances, whom he had met with Axel so long ago on his birthday. Demyx, Zexion, Xigbar and some other people whom Roxas didn’t know, would frequent a particularly sleazy watering hole, and Roxas joined them on many nights. He had good times. They played pool, places bets regarding who could drink whom under the table first, and who could sweet talk their way into getting a free drink first. Roxas usually won that last one, so Xigbar stopped playing that particular challenge. 

Generally speaking they were always a good and humoros bunch of guys. They took Roxas’ mind off what ailed him. But some days Roxas found it very difficult to steer the conversation towards other directions whenever Axel was brought up, usually by Demyx.

“Look, what’s between him and me _stays_ between him and me. Why’re you sucha busybody anyway, Dem?” slurred Roxas after he had his last drink for the night, as he needed to sober up in the next few hours to get back home.

“You’re both my best friends, of course I’ma gonna be a bosy - nosy- noseybod - a nobody,” attempted Demyx.

“Busybody,” corrected the only _slightly_ inebriated Zexion, who for some reason was trying to read a science magazine in the low light of the club.

“Yesh, thank you, Zexy.” Demyx leaned heavily on Zexion and planted a sloppy kiss on his forehead, netting him a disgruntled look.

“I’m not your best friend, Dem. Ya dun even know me,” complained Roxas.

“I know ya plenty from Axel. He always talks about you. Always has, always will.”

“Hey Dem, let’s see who can shove more nuts into their mouth,” diverted Roxas, pushing the bowl of beer nuts towards his drunk friend, and ignoring Xigbar's lewd remarks.

Some nights Roxas’ strategy worked brilliantly. Others not so much.

Demyx would tell Roxas countless stories about Axel with the express purpose to illustrate Axel’s good qualities and how devoted the man had been to Roxas. Roxas grew suspicious of Demyx’s ulterior motives though. He was positive that the man and Axel were in cahoots together, but he let it slide and didn’t pay too much attention to Demyx’s, probably well intentioned remarks, about the redhead he was trying to distance himself from. 

But when he came home to the quiet darkness, Roxas felt the empty part in his heart. The part that was shaped like Axel felt the most hollow and cold. He missed Axel, there was no denying it.

Some nights Roxas would stay out until the sun rose, not liking the loneliness of his bed. The sleazy nightclub he had been frequenting with Demyx was clear across town and he always felt extra hollow coming back from that place. At some point he realized why this was. 

His route home always lead past the clock tower, which had been significant to his relationship with Axel. Sometimes when he rode past it on his bike he began to wonder if he was being unreasonable like his brother. The man refused to go be with the person who was good for him. He refused to embrace his own happiness. Was Roxas doing the exact same thing to himself? Was he a complete hypocrite?

He, over time, analyzed those thoughts more. He evaluated his life and who he was as a person. Particularly every late night or early morning that he drove past that place. 

Roxas was happy. Roxas loved his life. He loved the things he did, he loved the people he met. He was doing satisfying work, and had found his creative side in his culinary career. He wasn’t drowning in misery and self loathing like a certain someone he knew. And yet - he could be happier. Just a small nudge happier perhaps. He wanted to share his life with Axel. It wasn’t an indescript _‘someone’_ , it was _Axel_. He didn’t know why exactly. That _did_ bother him the most.

Maybe it really was _destiny_.

So he pulled his bike over, one very early morning, as he was on his way home after having had a fun night out. And he steadily walked up those winding stairs. 

He wanted to test destiny.

He hadn’t spoken or exchanged any messages with Axel since that day when Xion gave him his phone back. That had been two months now. Maybe Axel had wanted Demyx to keep tabs on Roxas, but Roxas never divulged anything of importance to the man, no matter how drunk he got. So other than Roxas being fine and going to work Axel should know nothing of Roxas’ other habits, or what route he took to get home, because the man _shouldn’t_ know where _home_ was. So Roxas was curious. He hadn’t seen any familiar looking vehicles outside so Axel shouldn’t be up there, watching the sunrise. But _if_ he was -.

Roxas had finally reached the top, pushing the heavy metal door open silently as the sun was growing in strength. That small red dot on the horizon was growing into the bright orange and yellow bringer of warmth and life. Roxas rounded the corner, confident that he would to go sit in their spot all by himself.

But it wasn’t empty. Destiny had apparently been calling.

Roxas’ heart rejoiced at the sight of that familiar figure sitting there, curled up upon himself. With a rapid beating heart Roxas went and sat down next to Axel, keeping his eyes glued on the sunrise.

They sat in silent contemplation, watching the colors bleed back into the blue-gray world which the night had left behind. Roxas felt like he had experienced a long night in his soul. It had rested him and now he felt ready to get back out there into the flames of Axel’s love. For the man unquestioningly loved him, and would _always_ love him. 

Today proved it.

Roxas didn’t want to be cute. He didn’t want to endear himself to Axel. He launched straight into it. 

”You need to give me space, Axel. You never gave me a chance to miss you when we were living together. You -. _We_ moved too fast. You absorbed me into your life without ever bothering to see who I grew up to be.”

Roxas kept his eyes trained forward, but could sense green eyes looking at him.

“The guy I was three years ago is still in here - but he’s also different. He has a life now. He knows who he is and what’s important to him.” Roxas turned his head to finally look into the eyes he loved and missed so much. 

Roxas couldn’t decipher the expression that Axel wore, but he pressed on. “I need you to respect who I am, as well as my wishes. I feel like you trampled all over me. You devalued me and the things which are important to me. I can’t have you do that again, Axel.”

“I’ll do whatever you ask of me, Roxy. I just want us to be together,” was the earnest but also abrupt and seemingly rehearsed response.

Roxas gave the other man a long and stern look. Had he really _heard_ Roxas and what he had just said? Was he really going to take this seriously and effect some change? 

There was only one way to find out, Roxas supposed. But instead of jumping all in he would wade. He would test the waters. He would assert himself and not be swallowed up in the other man’s passion for him. Roxas was done feeling guilty for Axel’s choice to devote his life to him. He still meant what he had said in his anger all those months ago. Axel had made his own choices, and there was no reason for Roxas to suffer for them.

“Then let’s go slow. I’m not moving back in with you. I will not attend any boring meetings and functions with you, unless I truly have nothing else I’d rather be doing. I will go wherever I please, at whatever time of day or night I choose, and I will see the people I want to see without any commentary from you. Got it?”

Axel nodded, his lips pressed into a thin line. Roxas knew Axel wouldn’t like his terms but Roxas needed sound boundaries set in place. 

Roxas returned his eyes to the horizon, as did Axel. They continued to sit in silence. 

The chill of the morning air suddenly registered within Roxas’ body causing him to shiver. He had been filled with nerves and adrenaline which had kept him warm, but now it had sufficiently faded, and Roxas wasn't dressed warmly enough. Winter was almost upon them after all, and even though Radiant Gardens only saw the occasional and rare snowfall the cool was still biting.

Axel silently shifted closer to Roxas, putting a warm arm very tentatively around him, as if to test the waters. Roxas’ body buzzed with love. He leaned against Axel, resting his head on the other man’s chest. Axel nuzzled Roxas’ hair gently, and Roxas couldn’t stop himself from leaning further into the other man. 

He had missed how affectionate Axel was. He had missed how the other man’s touch could ignite every fiber of Roxas’ being. 

Both sighed in contentment. 

It felt so good to be together again. 

* * *

 

Axel and Roxas started dating. In some respects their courtship had been over a decade in the making. But they never really had dated. They seemed to have always just given their whole being to the other and run head long into the crashing waves. 

Roxas found it intriguing and refreshing to take their relationship down a notch.

Roxas would propose a date, location and time to meet, and Axel would agree and actually show up. They would dine together, go see a movie, explore the nightlife, or head to one of the many gardens for picnics and participate in whatever community activity was happening there on any given day.

They spoke about inane and frivolous things, or about their varying opinions on world affairs, or what the best way to cook lasagne was. Roxas took the time to _really_ get to know the man he loved, and he hoped Axel was getting a better picture of who Roxas was as well. Roxas enjoyed having their relationship be on his terms for once.

However, if Roxas owned the terms of the relationship, then Axel definitely owned the terms of their intimacy. Roxas immediately discovered that a goodnight kiss couldn’t just end at one kiss. It was always ten or fifty. It was always lots of tongue and wandering hands. It was always getting themselves worked up into such a state that they would have to go back to Axel’s penthouse and completely give themselves up to the other. 

Roxas even one night gave up his biggest secret and took Axel to his home, as Axel’s place was too far away and they risked the possibility of being arrested for fornicating in public, if they didn’t get to a private area soon.

It had been one of the most glorious nights of sex which Roxas thought he had ever experienced. It was like Axel was pulling out all the stops as a ‘ _thank you_ ’ for finally being allowed to know where Roxas resided. 

The tempo, the need, the lust, the subtle touching. Everything had been just right. Everything had been perfect. They had climaxed at the exact same time, which was something that rarely ever happened for them. They had been left in complete and utter bliss to drift off to sleep together, and to wake up again the next morning in each others arms, which hadn’t happened since Roxas had left Axel.

And then Axel departed in the morning, with a warm smile and an affectionate kiss, with promises of another great date night to be held very soon.

Life was perfect.


	15. Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wintersday festivities have begun. Surprises are abound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Events of this chapter chronologically fall in line with chapter 2 of [The Search For Absolution](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7808803/chapters/18153883) \- you can read it now.

Wintersday was fast approaching and Roxas was even more busy applying what he had learned about winter cheer from Selphie and Yuffie to all the places he visited. He had personally appointed himself to all festive committees he could find and would spend all day and all night helping to set up the various public and private spaces with decorations. 

Even Xion’s noodle bar began looking festive, in a distinct Wutai style, which the girl seemed to thoroughly enjoy. Zack was also exposed to the festive wrecking ball known as Roxas. The Buster Sword had been decorated with lights, much to Zack’s horror, and tinsel was woven through all rafters and across the mounds of papers on Zack’s desk.

Roxas missed his Wintersday co-conspirators. He took plenty of photos and sent them to Selphie who sent back an overjoyed response upon receiving the images. 

It filled Roxas to the brim with happiness. 

Roxas counted down the days until Sora’s impending arrival back to Radiant Gardens. All this activity also meant that Roxas and Axel spent a lot less time together but Axel never complained to him, which Roxas took as a good sign. 

It was an exciting time. 

Sora had arrived two weeks previous to the actual festive day. This had given the two long lost brothers from different mothers enough time to bond and reunite, and to deck out Sora’s place and plan the party. 

They had set up stunning decorations, party games and sorted out the food and drinks well ahead of time. Sora and Roxas had been watching the weather reports like hawks in hopes of a snap cold front to blow through and bring some snow, but it seemed unlikely to happen so Sora had opted for buying fake snow instead. Sora, Riku and Roxas had then competed against each other to see who could build the most ridiculous snow men out of the fake snow stuff.

When the actual day arrived it was just a small affair. Sora, his parents and Riku were all there. Kairi arrived directly from Zanarkand having been driven by Axel, as he had been designated her chauffeur.

Kairi had raced out of the car and flung herself at Roxas, inundating him with a stream of words and greetings. Axel only smiled at Roxas and threw Kairi a passing remark to not break his boyfriend, before heading off to go speak with Zack who had arrived a short time before them, with Denzel. 

A few days previous Roxas had spoke with Axel.

“ _Can I trust you to give me space when we celebrate Wintersday?_ ”

“ _Of course._ ”

“ _I haven’t seen the guys in awhile, so I’ll be spending my time mostly with them_.”

“ _It’s fine, Roxy. Geez. Don’t you think I can entertain and look after myself at a party? Kairi’s been tellin’ me how much booze you and Sora have been stock piling. I think I can handle not running my hands all over you for a few hours,_ ” Axel had chuckled.

“ _I just want to make sure you know what to expect. I don’t want you to be upset._ ”

 _“No sweat, Roxy. I won’t embarrass you infront of your pals. I won’t cause a scene. Cool as a cucumber._ ” The way Axel had scrunched his nose up had been too adorable so Roxas had covered him in kisses.

Roxas appreciated Axel acquiescing to his wishes and giving him a wide berth.

Everyone was present and accounted for except Xion and her date.

When Roxas had invited her along he knew she wouldn’t say no. She had no family in this place and told Roxas how much she appreciated the invite, but that she would only attend if she could bring someone along.

Roxas nearly choked on his drink when he saw Xion arrive hand in hand with Naminé. Axel, who had been keeping a respectful distance from Roxas, also seemed somewhat surprised. He slowly sauntered over to be at Roxas’ side so the two of them could greet Xion and Naminé together. The two girls were all smiles and laughter as they approached.

“Well isn’t _this_ a surprise,” laughed Axel lewdly.

“Roxas, Axel, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Naminé.”

Naminé’s smile only broadened. 

“So, explain yourself. Last I knew you were supposedly _my girlfriend_ ,” stated Axel, with no malice in his voice.

The two of them had been labeled as a couple by everyone else in their business and personal social circles. They always attended functions together, holding hands, and placing chaste kisses whenever people were looking.

“Well, I think you and I are two peas in the same pod, Axel. We both come from influential families who have certain expectations of us, which do not exactly match up with who we are as individuals.” The smile she gave was radiant.

“So you’re a lesbian, and just faking it with me?”

Naminé nodded, still smiling.

“I only chose you because Xion told me you and Roxas were together. I figured you would be a safe guy to play this charade with, since we’re both not interested in each other, right?”

“Oh I don’t know Nami, I was kind of growing fond of you,” teased Axel with a toothy grin and a wink.

“But you told me you were at the event with a friend,” barged in Roxas, slightly stunned at the revelation. “How has this _never_ come up in conversation before?” Roxas was gobsmacked.

“Well, I’ve been with Naminé for quite some time, so I know not to announce our relationship status out to people. Something which you really should have learned,” teased Xion. “And… I never told you, because I didn’t think it was relevant.”

“Yeah, but I’m not just ‘ _people_ ’. We’re _friends_. I tell you -,” Roxas suddenly became aware of Axel’s heat radiating next to himself, “I tell you about stuff, whether it's relevant or not,” he muttered nervously.

“Do you talk about the incredible sex we have, Rox? I can totally understand wanting to make the ladies jealous,” joked Axel.

“I think we’re the wrong target audience for that kind of talk,” laughed Naminé.

“Oh I don’t know about that, Nami. You should hear some of the things Roxas has descri-,” Xion’s voice dropped to an inaudible whisper as she spoke into Naminé’s ear. 

Roxas grew mortified, and Axel’s arm slung around him and a rumbling laugh, which shook to the very core of Roxas’ being, rolled through the other man and into Roxas’ body.

“I didn’t know you liked to share our intimate moments with people, Roxy. I’ll make sure to give you more interesting stories to tell in the future,” was Axel’s low and seductive timbre in Roxas’ ear, followed up by a lick of his shell.

Roxas felt himself turn redder from embarrassment and lust.

He watched Naminé’s eyes and mouth widen. Roxas couldn’t tell if she was hamming it up or not. “My, my, you boys. Maybe Xion and I will have to try some of those things.”

“Did she tell you about the bathtub or the car?” inquired Axel with too much amusement as Roxas squeaked, trying to clamp his hand over Axel’s mouth.

“Neither. It was the motorbike.”

Roxas truly wanted to die.

Axel just kept laughing, while gently holding Roxas’ hands at bay. “I never thought Rox would share _that_ story. Mmm, aren’t _you_ just full of surprises.” A ravenous look, which Roxas knew very well, came into Axel’s eyes. Roxas was glad they were out in public right now, or he would be naked in a matter of seconds. 

Roxas’ own desires for Axel were beginning to churn from that smouldering green gaze, but he was brought back to his embarrassment as Axel tore his eyes off him and continued, “Yeah, that was pretty spectacular. We had to prop-”

“ _Naminé_! I haven’t seen you in _ages_!” 

Everyone’s heads turned as Sora’s voice bowled them over when he finally noticed the newcomers. 

Roxas was never so glad for an interruption in his life as he was at this moment in time.

Sora, completely oblivious, interjected himself into their private conversation. He threw his arms around the blonde girl and began bombarding her with questions, leading them all inside where it was much warmer.

* * *

 

The late afternoon faded into evening. They played various games, exchanged gifts and ate more food than a normal stomach should be capable of holding. A lot of alcohol was also consumed and Zack had to remain vigilant to make sure that Sora and Kairi didn’t sneak any to Denzel, since they had made a game of it. 

Axel began cornering Roxas under as many mistletoes as he could find, garnering shouts from Riku and Kairi for them to ‘ _get a room_ ’, which only caused Axel to chuckled and wink salaciously at Roxas.

“You want to?” Axel licked his lips.

Roxas only blushed and ducked out from under Axel’s arms. He still felt aroused from earlier that afternoon, so the need to keep his distance from Axel was quite real, or he would give in to some crazy request.

“Tomorrow. I don't feel right when there are so many of our friends around. Remember, we’re supposed to be spending time with _them_ tonight.”

Axel gave an over exaggerated pout in defeat.

“Alright, but tomorrow, on your honor.”

Roxas nodded with a bright smile. He was about to head back towards where the tumult was greatest, but paused, turned around and planted a deep kiss on Axel before he departed for real.

Axel was his weakness.

Eventually the video game competition was started up, and as Kairi demolished all her competitors the resentment grew among the group. A firm desire rose for some brave soul to topple the champion. Naminé eventually convinced Xion to take on the battle after she herself was defeated within just 15 seconds, citing ‘ _revenge and justice_ ’ as needing to be served up.

The competition really heated to intense levels between the two of them. Even Sora’s parents came over to join in with the spectator sport. Everyone was rooting for Xion to take down the long reigning champion, and she was doing a very good job of it.

Roxas was completely absorbed in what was happening in front of him, as was everyone else. Yet the sound of a door opening and closing brought him out of the excitement. Looking around he noticed that Zack was missing, so he went in the direction he thought he had heard the other man go in.

He found Zack sitting outside in the dark and cold, looking up at the stars, sipping on the neck of a beer bottle. 

Roxas joined Zack on the bench. 

“Hey Rox,” came the cheerful greeting.

“Everything alright with you?” inquired Roxas.

“Yeah, just needed some fresh air. What about you?”

“Same.”

They sat quietly for a while. 

Roxas looked up at the slow moving celestial bodies and observed how they twinkled in the cloudless crisp night sky. Breath misted before him on each exhale, slowly drifting upwards and dissipating into the night. 

Roxas had a fair bit to drink before coming outside so he didn’t feel the effects of the cold as badly as he might have. He was also delightfully buzzed from the good fun and company he was surrounded with tonight, which added extra warmth to him. But the mistiness of his breath told him that it was significantly chilly outside.

Raucous laughter emanated from within the warm dwelling from time to time. Roxas thought it could only mean that Xion was getting the upper hand. 

He smiled.

“You think Cloud’s out there somewhere, having a good Wintersday?” came Zack’s wistful voice.

Roxas thought about it for a moment. 

He knew Cloud wouldn’t be. Wintersday was always much harder on his brother than it was on himself. 

Roxas always chose to focus on the positives and brush the misery of this time of year aside. It was easier when friends were around. He hoped that Cloud was keeping busy - occupying his mind - not dwelling on bygone miseries. It was really hard to be away from Cloud on days when Roxas knew Cloud would need him the most. He resolved to get in touch with him as soon as possible to check in.

“He never cared much for this holiday. So wherever he is he’s probably trying to avoid it.” Roxas replied with warmth in his voice. He didn’t want Zack to worry. There was no point for him to know the reason why this time of year was so difficult for Cloud, and even Roxas, to some extent. 

Zack chuckled. “You’re right. I can just imagine him standing in a corner with that grumpy look on his face, not wanting to join in because he knows he might actually have some fun if he gave in a little.” Zack laughed with a bit more strength from the mental image he had conjured up for himself. 

That bright smile mellowed out after a few moments however, and became gentler while he thought more about the man who was missing in his life. 

Roxas watched Zack with a stern expression before looking back up at the sky.

“It’s so unfair that I’ve got the life I’ve wanted - but Cloud is still out there, trying to figure himself out. It’s so unfair on you too, Zack. I want to see you two happy and together already.” There was a fierceness underlying Roxas’ quiet tone. He felt frustrated over how long his brother was taking. 

Moments like these Roxas felt overwhelming compassion for Zack and wished he could do something for the other man, while they waited for Cloud’s angst to pass.

“Aww Rox,” Zack scooched over a little closer to the other man and squeezed him to his warm body with an arm around his shoulder, only releasing Roxas after ruffling the soft blonde mop. But Zack didn’t move very far at all. They sat shoulder to shoulder. 

“I made my own bed. I’ll happily lay in it. I more or less told him to take all the time in the world. I told him I would wait for him forever and it wouldn’t be a problem. I also broke that by getting impatient and leaving that photo for him. If I had stayed away Cloud might be here by now. So I’ve only got myself to blame for it.” Zack smiled broadly at Roxas, exuding a carefree attitude.

“You can hide it all you want - but I know you’re hurting.”

Zack’s smile faltered before he turned his head back up towards the stars, which only served to confirm Roxas’ assumption.

Roxas had been thinking about his brother and Zack for longer than was probably good for him. Despite the bet between Zack and Axel having been nullified a long time ago now it still bothered Roxas. He still thought about wanting Zack to be happy, because without Zack, Roxas might not have Axel in his life.

Roxas pulled his phone out and played around with it, knowing what he wanted to do, but also being quite uncertain about it at the same time.

“Sometimes I lay awake at night and wonder how Cloud managed to get so far under my skin. I never thought myself as ‘ _the pining_ ’ type. I’ve been with plenty of people, but I’ve always been pretty good at letting go, moving on, leading my own happy life. Maybe I’ve got more in common with Axel than I would ever be comfortable to admit,” laughed Zack, trying to brush the thought off as frivolous.

“Don’t let him hear you say that. He’ll lord it over you until you die,” replied Roxas in hushed amusement as he busied himself with his phone, having just decided to go through with his plan.

Zack chuckled. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s pretend this conversation never happened, alright?” Zack pulled out his phone when he felt it vibrate in his pocket. “Sorry Rox, that’s probably Aerith. I haven’t wish-.”

Zack looked at his phone, dumbfounded for a moment, before looking at Roxas in confusion, “What’s this?”

“Cloud’s number. You can do whatever you want with it.” Roxas returned his phone to his pocket and smiled at the other man.

“Happy Wintersday, Zack.”

Eyes widened in disbelief as he looked down at the text from Roxas. Zack, with quick reflexes, despite having had too much to drink, suddenly engulfed Roxas into a tight hug. Roxas made a noise of surprise before wrapping his own arms around Zack to reciprocate the embrace. He heard and felt Zack’s breath against the shell of his ear and the whisper of a ‘ _Thank you_ ’ graced him.

Roxas’ heart went out to Zack. 

He wished so much happiness for the other man. He wanted Zack and his brother to have a happy ending. He was happy to be of service. He was happy to alleviate Zack’s pain. 

All of a sudden the joy Roxas felt mingled with the comfortable closeness and shared warmth of the body pressed to his own. Roxas’ head went fuzzy. The alcohol he had been drinking was slowly making him drowsy and far more relaxed than he would usually be in a situation like this. Roxas nuzzled against Zack’s neck and felt Zack hug him tighter and place a kiss above his ear.

Roxas pulled away a little, feeling the flutters in his stomach return which somehow seemed to pop up sometimes when he was too close to Zack. Roxas loved Axel - but something about Zack made him really comfortable. He had affections for the man. He wanted the best for him -.

He probably wasn't thinking straight when he said it. It was probably the alcohol. It was probably that desire to make Zack happy because Roxas cared for Zack and really appreciated all the things this man had done for himself, Axel, and his brother. It was probably all those things and also none of them. It was probably just a pure and simple fleeting desire that made his unrecognizably husky voice say, “You can kiss me if you want. Pretend I’m Cloud. I don’t mind.”

Their faces were so close to each other. Roxas could smell the beer every time Zack exhaled softly and rapidly. He could hear the sharp intake of breath from the other man as Roxas said what he had said. This close together Roxas was sure Zack would see nothing else but blue eyes and a few bangs of blonde. 

Pretending from this proximity wouldn’t be hard.

Arms were still around each other. Their bodies still impossibly close. In fact Roxas felt even closer to Zack than he had been a few seconds ago. He couldn’t be sure who was pulling whom into the embrace anymore. 

Roxas pushed his chin and lips forward, closing his eyes slowly. He felt soft lips push gently against his own, fitting so nicely. They languished there for a moment. Just frozen in time, breathing each other in, before pulling away again. 

Roxas’ face was left exposed to the cold air. Arms untangled from around him and Zack got up, stretching his legs and arms before staring back up at the sky, with hands on hips.

“Thanks for the number, Roxas. I really appreciate it. it’s getting a bit chilly. I'll catch ya inside, k?” Zack threw out an energetic grin and headed back in while taking another swig on his beer bottle.

Zack’s earthy scent lingered, as did the taste of beer on lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *laughs like a maniac*
> 
> Chapter titles are there for a reason XD


	16. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over several months Roxas and Axel’s relationship is on a cruel rollercoaster ride. Roxas also gets an unexpected visitor one morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with Chapter 4 of [The Search For Absolution](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7808803/chapters/17819284%22) \- to be uploaded soon-ish.
> 
> I'd say it's safe to read on beyond this point, even if you _are_ more invested in Clack than AkuRoku. Hover over the symbol to get a clue if you're struggling to decide whether to continue reading or not -  !
> 
> I hope that's helped you to make a decision around this. Again... I think it's fine to continue reading and to actually finish off this whole fic before we ever get to Cloud's POV of the conversations that he's gonna share with Roxas.
> 
> Your call.

The day after Wintersday they had met up for their rendezvous. Axel had been incredibly affectionate and attentive. The way Axel had sucked, caressed and languished all over Roxas’ most sensitive areas had been intoxicating. Roxas loved Axel the most when he was being caring and considerate. They had lazed around together all day, curled up, naked, against each other. It seemed like such a long time to Roxas since they had really enjoyed each other's company to this extent.

“Roxy,” came Axel’s low rumble which always sent sharp pulses down to Roxas’ groin, even after he was all spent.

“Mmm?” hummed Roxas in sleepy and drained satisfaction.

“You’re happy here, aren’t you? With me? With us?”

“Yeah. This is perfect,” purred Roxas, running his hand lazily across Axel’s delectable flesh. He lightly traced a trail of sweat which still clung to that tight skin, causing Axel to shiver, which in turn made Roxas erupt in joy. He felt as intoxicated as he had been last night, but for completely different reasons.

“Good,” whispered Axel against Roxas’ hair, as they both dozed off in contentment.

Roxas wished he could bottle moments like those up and keep them alive forever.

But sadly Roxas didn’t possess any magical powers or artifacts to help him in that endeavor. Sometimes he wished Yuffie's stories had been true. 

Life, all too frequently, got in the way of the beautiful moments he shared with Axel. Roxas became increasingly busy with his various duties, and Axel was sent on more journeys to cinche business deals in other cities, so he would often be gone for a few days or even weeks at worst. Axel had attempted once to invite Roxas along with him, but was only met with an unpleasant look, causing Axel to shrink away. 

Roxas tried to look on the brighter side of life, and focused on his work. He figured that if they also spent more time apart their times together would be better for it.

Roxas wasn't going to mope, or sulk. Instead he regaled Axel with stories of all the fun things he had done while Axel was away, so the other man wouldn’t feel bad for leaving Roxas behind. He still wanted to show Axel that he was keeping his promise to live his life whenever they weren’t together. He wanted to show Axel how independent he was.

The more time they seemed to spend apart however, the more Axel appeared to revert back to his old ways. Roxas’ updates seemed to leave a sour taste in Axel’s mouth, particularly anything to do with Zack. 

Axel’s distaste would surface once in a while in the form of him demanding Roxas’ presence at some luncheon, or he would impose himself on Roxas when Roxas was extremely busy or about to head out somewhere. Axel would get upset with Roxas every time he was met with a ‘ _no_ ’. Roxas didn’t understand why Axel was being so unreasonable. After all - Roxas being a lot busier these days wasn't all that new to them.

Roxas was also kept busy because he spent a lot more time at Zack’s. Their drunken kiss was left long behind and neither ever mentioned it. Some days Roxas wondered if he should go and apologize to Zack. In retrospect he could see how drunk and stupid he had been that night they kissed. For some reason it had seemed like a good idea at the time though. Roxas didn’t feel any awkwardness between the two of them when they were together, so he guessed Zack had also chalked it up to just being too drunk. 

Mainly Roxas was visiting Zack more often to get news of his brother. Having given Zack Cloud’s number seemed to have had the desired effect which Roxas had hoped for. Cloud apparently was on his way back to Radiant Gardens. The day Zack had told Roxas, they both hadn't been able to keep the dorky grins off their faces for at least 48 hours. Roxas really wanted to share the excitement he felt with the one other person who was looking forward to that day as much, if not more, than himself.

Roxas would have liked to also share his exciting news of Cloud’s return with Axel, but the man for some reason would just glared. He wasn’t as excited or supportive as Roxas had hoped for. Roxas figured Axel was probably just irritated that he was spending more time with Zack than himself. 

Roxas knew that Axel and Zack had a strange relationship, so he guessed that this must be the reason for the attitude. But because Axel was being so unreceptive Roxas felt himself drawn even more to Zack. He just really wanted to have someone to talk to and listen to him when it came to the topic of his brother. 

* * *

 

A time had come when Axel and Roxas managed to get themselves together enough to actually go out. Axel had arranged a reservation for dinner. It was a restaurant which wasn’t so fancy as to make Roxas uncomfortable, but still nice enough to make the evening special. Roxas hadn't exactly been sure what the occasion was, but he soon found out.

“Roxy, I really miss you. I miss waking up with you, I miss cooking breakfast with and for you. I’d really like you to move back in with me. It be so much more convenient for the both of us as well.”

That invite sent bolts of anxiety through Roxas’ body, and sadly it showed on his face, because the tender and gentle expression that Axel wore turned to confusion, and then slowly morphed into anger.

Roxas shook his head slightly.

“Why not, Roxas?” 

There was Roxas’ name again, spoken with no affection. Roxas hated hearing his name leave those lips in that bone chilling tone. He didn’t like it when Axel did that.

“It’s - I don’t want a repeat of what happened before. I still need you to respect my space.”

“Is that the only reason?” Green eyes narrowed, disbelieving.

No. Of course it wasn’t. Roxas still desperately wanted to return to Wutai. For good. It’s all he thought about on most days when he was out working at the charities. Sure, he was doing good and helping people - but he wanted to help Wutai. He couldn’t tell Axel that he was going to leave him yet again. It would break both their hearts. 

Roxas kept quiet.

Axel’s gaze only hardened at Roxas’ silence. “It’s been three months, Roxas. I’ve been nothing _but_ respectful. Don’t you have enough _space_?” The word was dripping with contempt. “We hardly ever see each other anymore. I miss you - _so much_ -.” 

Roxas could see the longing which Axel held for him. His chest tightened uncomfortably and tears stung against Roxas’ eyes at the tone of Axel’s voice. 

“It would be nice to at least get to sleep together. I love having you curled up next to me. And I know you love it too - the way you cling to me all night long.” Axel looked really sad for a brief second before he hardened up again. “So I’m gonna ask you again - why not, Rox? I’m sorry I hit you. You know that. It won’t happen again, I guarantee you. I was just - angry - over how you were treating me that night. You know that.” 

Roxas huffed. He did know that - but he didn’t feel like it was a good enough reason to justify the actions. Roxas didn’t want to get into a bigger argument over it so he dropped it, choosing to focus on the issue at hand instead. “Things have gotten worse. You’re doing everything I asked you not to do, do you even notice that? So how _can_ you guarantee anything to me?”

“I never see you anymore, what do you want me to do? How can you expect me to be different and respect you when you’re giving me nothing but a cold shoulder? Do you want me to just forget about you? Because I’m not going to do that. Never. You are important to me.” Axel tried hard to keep his voice down but he was getting agitated.

“Of course I don’t want that, Axel.” Roxas felt hurt that Axel would ever think that. “Look - I’ll make more of an effort to spend time with you, ok?”

“Don’t make it sound like such a chore, Roxas,” growled Axel. His face was set in stone, but Roxas could see the metaphorical steam rising.

“I’m sorry, Axel. We’ll figure something out,” he said, sounding far more hopeful than he felt.

Their dinner ended with both of them in a sour mood, heading in opposite directions to go to their respective homes.

* * *

 

Roxas never did ‘ _figure something out’_. His cowardice in that matter wouldn’t lift. He didn’t want to leave Axel, but he also really wanted to return home. Some days Roxas was just plain scared that if he did take Axel with him to Wutai, the way he was acting right now would continue. Roxas didn’t want to live in fear of that happening, most of all.

Axel began asking Roxas to come around at unreasonable times of the day or night. Or he would show up to Roxas’ front door. Roxas sometimes found little presents at his door which Axel had apparently left when Roxas was inevitabley out. 

Roxas found it kind of sweet in a weird and dysfunctional way, but he also felt like it was becoming more of a nuisance than a joy recently. The fact that Axel would come over whenever he pleased without asking Roxas if it was alright caused the greatest irritation. It was always a case of Axel being selfish and just thinking of his own needs and wants.

It became smothering.

The conversations they did share began getting snappy. They argued about when they would next meet up, and where. Axel would make requests which Roxas felt were unreasonable, and Roxas would keep pushing Axel away by making excuses, because he was truly worried about how everything was reverting back to how it had been between them previously.

He wasn't living with Axel, but the control Roxas felt that the other man was trying to exert over him wasn’t any less potent. 

Axel eventually seemed to get the hint that Roxas was too busy to see him in person so they would have many heated phone conversations instead. Whenever Roxas would explain to Axel why they couldn’t meet up Axel would start fuming and bring up his old grievances with Roxas. They would call each other selfish and then one of them would hang up. Then a few days of silence would ensue before one or the other got in touch to apologize.

It seemed to Roxas like they were taking turns in blowing up. This time it was Axel’s turn to apologize. Usually when it was Axel’s turn he would come around early in the morning and they would have make-up sex, which was always incredible.

So this is why, early one spring morning, when the knock on Roxas’ door arrived, he got up with a sour look on his face. Roxas knew he would enjoy the sex, but he still felt irritated that they would always play this game with each other. He had a much too busy day today to appease Axel’s ravenous appetite.

The blind was still drawn over the glass door as he unlocked and pulled the handle open with a sharp “ _What?_ ” 

But Roxas’ expression turned to complete shock and surprise in a matter of seconds. He flung himself at his morning visitor. The tears of joy couldn’t be contained for either party as they embraced in a mutually rib crushing hug.

“Holy shit, Cloud! You’re here!” cried Roxas.

“Yeah,” chuckled Cloud.

Roxas pulled away from his long lost brother, examining him.

“You look really good! When did you get in?”

“Geez, you sound so surprised. Don’t think I can look after myself without you, little brother?” teased Cloud with an overwhelming bright smile.

Roxas just beamed back at him, tears streaming and an unshakable smile plastered on his face.

“But to answer your question - I got in just now.”

“So you haven’t been to see Zack yet?” the disbelief was evident in Roxas’ voice. “Let me call him -”

“Rox, please don’t,” came Cloud’s quiet, albeit stern response. “Let me decide when I’m ready to see him. I’ll go to him soon - I just need time. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell him I was here.”

“But -.” Roxas was perplexed by the whole situation. He knew that he couldn’t wait to see Axel again when he first got back. That thought was a stinging reminder that he used to feel quite differently towards Axel once upon a time. 

He missed it. 

He missed the man Axel used to be. If Roxas thought about it for too long he would end up feeling depressed about the whole situation however, so he opted to push it aside.

“Well alright then. Go have a shower and I’ll make us some breakfast.”


	17. Suffocating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their relationship is overbearing and oppressive. Neither of them can breathe. Both are being smothered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter corresponds with both [Chapter 4](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7808803/chapters/18466684) **AND** [Chapter 8](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7808803/chapters/19009867) of The Search For Absolution - you can read them now.
> 
> Explicit mature content lies beyond this point.
> 
> Read with caution.

For days after his brother had arrived back in town Roxas felt like he was walking on sunshine. Everything was better, brighter, more fun. He didn’t even feel so irritated about Axel. Their conversations contained more affection on Roxas’ behalf, which really seemed to throw Axel off balance. Axel then became suspicious and wanted to know what happened. But Roxas had promised not to tell anyone, particularly those who knew Zack in person, of Cloud’s return. Yet Roxas couldn’t, and saw no reason to hide the fact from Xion, so she became his closest confidant in this matter.

Cloud had taken a few days to reacclimatize himself to what it was like to have a roof over one's head. Roxas was still busy but he was always eager to get back home and spend time with his brother, which seemed to hurt his strained relationship with Axel even more. But Roxas couldn’t find himself caring much. He had his brother back after all! He figured Axel would understand once he was able to tell him.

Cloud and Roxas talked - a lot. Usually their night time routine consisted of dinner and then a few rounds of whatever console games Roxas felt like challenging his brother to. They would goad each other on and interspersedly talk about whatever Cloud had been up to over the last few months. This night they spoke about Wintersday, which possibly would have caused Roxas some anxiety if he wasn’t busy laughing so much that it was beginning to hurt.

“It’s not _that_ funny, Rox,” Cloud spoke sternly. 

“As _if_ it’s not that funny,” he wiped at his tears. “I can’t imagine you ever doing something like that out of your own free will. You’re _sure_ no one put you up to it? You’re _sure_ no one poisoned your drink?”

Cloud had told him that he had willingly helped set up Wintersday decorations all around Nibelheim. Roxas just _couldn’t_ fathom it. It only caused him to laugh more.

“I’m full of surprises, Rox. I thought you knew that by now,” smiled Cloud, somewhat smugly.

Roxas just snorted with laughter but for a different reason now. 

“Sure, sure!” 

“Hey you told me so yourself ages ago,” Cloud recalled.

“I don’t remember doing any such thing... but hey, whatever. I guess it just runs in our family then,” Roxas supposed, still feeling the aftershocks of his belly-laugh. “Like how mom would always hide the vegetables in our food! Remember that?”

“Yeah, once we found out she pureed cauliflower and turnips into the mash you wouldn’t touch it for weeks,” was Cloud’s cheerful response.

“Hey, don’t pretend like you didn’t turn your nose up at that stuff too. You just ate it so you could pretend to be better than me.”

“I _was_ better than you, Rox. Plus I needed to lead by example because I got in trouble when you didn’t eat your food.”

Roxas couldn’t keep the smile off his face. He was really enjoying himself and the playful banter he was able to have with Cloud.

“What! How’d I get _you_ into trouble? I was the one who got no dessert until that awful gunk was completely gone!” Roxas tried to protest for the fun of it. He thought he knew the answer though.

“You always looked up to me, and mom knew that.” 

Cloud smiled in such a warm fashion that Roxas was almost taken aback by it. He hadn’t seen Cloud so laid back in an incredibly long time.

“That was only coz you were so tall. Don’t get confused about that,” Roxas goaded playfully.

Cloud just chuckled. “But you’ve finally caught up to me.”

“Yep, our family’s definitely full of surprises, huh,” Roxas grinned brightly.

Cloud hummed in agreement.“Oh, Rox - speaking of surprises - why did you give Zack my number? You never asked me if that was ok.”

Dread flooded Roxas’ body and he felt his smile drop away. He didn’t want to upset Cloud right now. Not after they just spent such an incredible evening together. Plus… he felt guilty. Was there even a point in telling Cloud? There was nothing between himself and Zack after all. Telling his brother would do more harm than good.

Roxas decided to skim over the details.

“It was kind of in the spur of the moment. We were sitting out in the backyard there,” he quickly pointed towards the garden for emphasis, “and he was just missing you so damn much. I felt really bad for him. So -.” Roxas just shrugged his shoulders and hoped for the best.

“Well I should thank you for that, I guess,” Cloud seemed to say with a lot of heart. “I really needed to hear his voice. I really needed to know that it was ok to come back.”

Roxas felt relieved. The guilt aside, Roxas had also worried about whether or not he had once again betrayed his brothers confidence.

“So you’re ok with _needing_ people in your life now?” Roxas asked tentatively. 

Cloud seemed to mull it over in his head. “I think I’m getting there.”

They both smiled at each other. Roxas felt so incredibly relieved.

“I’m glad it helped. I think it really helped Zack a lot too, ya know?”

Cloud looked surprised. “Really?”

Roxas just nodded. He hadn’t spent that much time with Zack before Wintersday but he had seen him enough to have been able to notice the effect that not having Cloud in his life had been having on Zack.

For one Roxas would never have gotten the man to kiss him had Cloud been there. Never in a million years.

Roxas didn’t like what he had done to the both - no - to the _three_ of them. 

He sighed, and roused himself out of his brooding. Roxas seemed to be brooding a lot more nowadays than ever before. It was becoming uncomfortable.

“Why did you come back, Cloud?”

Roxas frowned.

“ _Hey Cloud._ ”

Cloud was lost in his thoughts.

Roxas tried saying his brother's name again, more firmly, and watched Cloud's head rise to meet his gaze.

“Why _did_ you come back now? Was Zack talking to you _really that_ helpful? If so then we should have done this _years_ ago,” huffed Roxas. ‘ _Imagine all the hassle and heartache that could have been avoided_ ,’ he thought to himself.

“No, that’s not it, Rox. Yeah, it helped, and thanks again for doing that for me… and Zack,” Cloud tacked on, with some uncertainty. “But it’s not like I jumped on Fenrir the instant I heard Zack on the phone. I’ve come back because now is the right time. Now is the time I need to see Sephiroth.”

“Sephiroth?” Not only was it surprising to Roxas that this man was what Cloud was after but also that Cloud could say the name so coolly and in such a detached fashion.

“I’ve seen, dad. I’ve seen mom. I need to see him as well. Put it to bed once and for all.” 

Cloud’s determination on the matter wasn’t lost on Roxas.

“I know you and Squall want me to move on from the past - but I found that the more I turned from it the heavier it became. Going to Wutai made me face something. I think both of us understand dad a lot better now. And that’s helped.”

“Yeah,” nodded Roxas. He definitely wasn’t so sour about it any longer.

“Leaving Wutai made me face the reality of how much running away from my problem isn't good for me. So I decided to go see mom, and sort out some of the jumble in my head.”

“I was able to live the kind of life I always thought I would want. I lived the life that I thought _you_ had kept me from. And even though it was pretty nice not having to worry about anyone else but myself, it was also kind of lonely. Having a brother is better than not having one.” 

Cloud looked up and gave a meek smile, “Having people I love, and who love me, is better than being alone. Even the hurt we’ve put each other through in the past, and no doubt in the future too, is still better than not having any of that.”

Roxas could hardly believe what he was hearing out of Cloud’s mouth. He was excessively happy. He continued to look at Cloud, who was sitting on the opposite side of the lounge from him, looking down and staring at the controller in his hands.

“I feel like facing my past and understanding it is the only way I can really open myself up to accepting myself and letting the good things into my life. So I have to face Sephiroth. I need to speak with him. I need to understand. I need -.”

Cloud stopped, his eyes searching the recesses of his mind, before he continued, “So that’s why I need to see him. To move forward I need to move backwards. In order for me to get here I needed to travel way back. I can’t explain why, but it’s helped me a lot doing it this way.”

Cloud fell silent.

“I’m glad, Cloud,” began Roxas quietly. “I’m so happy that you’ve figured out your own way through life. Figured out what works best for you. It was so frustrating watching you take so long. I just wanted to shake you out of it. But I know that we are really different. I never had to deal with all the crap you had to go through. I never had to be an older brother. I -.” Roxas felt himself welling up with tears for some reason. This evening highlighted something for himself. “I’m so glad I had you to look out for me for all my life.”

“Rox…” came his brothers soft voice. 

Roxas bit his lip and watched Cloud scooch over to him. He was pulled into a tight hug. Roxas clung to Cloud, burying his face in his brother’s shoulder, breathing him in deeply. The embrace caused his tears to intensify somewhat, and he rubbed them into his brother's shirt.

“What’s the matter?” was the soft question against his head.

“I just didn’t realize how much I missed you. And how happy I am to have you back.” 

Roxas squeezed his brother for all his worth. It felt impossibly precious to have someone he had shared his entire life with, sitting right next to himself.

Roxas had been feeling incredibly lonely. Axel had drifted away and Zack hadn’t been the appropriate person to fill that void. It was nice to have Cloud back.

Cloud had soothed him as best he could, with pats and humming of melodies Roxas recognized from their childhood. Since when had Cloud learned to be so comforting?

His sobs eventually turned into smiles. He came to the conclusion that Zack was a wonderful influence on Cloud.

“Thanks for being here. See, I told you I need you,” reminded Roxas, through a weepy smile.

Cloud smiled softly at him, and with no malice said, “Well maybe you just put the waterworks on to make me feel better. I wouldn’t put it past you.”

Cloud ruffled Roxas’ hair and his smile only grew in strength.

Roxas sniffed loudly. 

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” he insisted, and Cloud just shrugged his shoulders.

“You know - I went and saw Sephiroth,” Roxas began tentatively to see how his brother would take it.

Cloud’s mouth just seemed to hang open for a while before any sound came out, “You went and saw him? By yourself?”

“No, not by myself. I’m not that stupid.” A disgusting shiver ran through himself at the memory of the last time he _had_ been alone with Sephiroth. “Axel was with me the entire time. He was so helpful. It was really hard to get in there and see Seph, you know. There was so much paperwork and they needed to verify my identity. Which - given we don’t have any of our birth certificates was _really_ hard. But Axel helped me through it all.” 

Thinking about Axel and how they were when Roxas had first arrived at Radiant Gardens made his heart ache bitterly.

“ _Axel? Being helpful?_ ”

The little faith Cloud seemed to have in Axel made Roxas _almost_ laugh.

“You know that Axel’s got some personal connection with Sephiroth, right?”

“No,” the disbelief was rampant on Cloud’s face.

“His dad sort of grew up with Seph. They went to the same boarding school, and stayed in contact, and Seph was over quite a lot. He even babysat Axel and Kairi when Reno was out and he wasn’t on tour down in Wutai or wherever. Can you imagine? But anyway, it would have taken forever if I didn’t have Axel’s connection to get me in there.”

“What was it like?” Cloud’s voice was so quiet, barely above a whisper.

Roxas became worried about whether or not he was doing the right thing. He needed to tread carefully, he thought.

“The hospital is really nice. He’s in this private residential complex. He’s really well looked after.”

“That’s - not really what I want to know.”

Roxas’ heart felt heavy. “It was … really weird seeing him again. He was - mean. I had Axel with me, and Seph just - he was really mean,” Roxas muttered.

“Are you ok, Rox? Did anything bad happen?” Cloud sounded so worried, and a hand landed on Roxas’ shoulder, gently thumbing him.

“It’s nothing like _that_. I got really angry. I punched him in his arrogant, smug face - but then we got escorted out and I’m not allowed back in there.” Roxas raised his head which had lowered out of embarrassment and discomfort.

Cloud looked like he was holding back a laugh. 

“You - _punched_ him?” the squeak in Cloud’s voice was obvious, and then the floodgates opened and he laughed heartily.

Roxas never thought he’d hear Cloud laugh again in relation to that man. It filled Roxas with light giddiness and he began laughing as well.

“Yeah, right in his stupid face,” Roxas finished with bright mirth dancing all over his features. 

But it hadn’t all been fun. He grew more serious. “I wish I could have done more. I wish I could have said more. But I’m not all that level headed. Axel told me that the hospital policy changed after that. Now it’s even more difficult to get in there. So - I’m sorry if I only made your life harder,” Roxas winced.

Cloud frowned a little. “It’s alright, Rox. I’ll figure something out.”

* * *

 

Several weeks passed and Cloud had busied himself with setting up his future in Radiant Gardens. It eased Roxas mind immensely to see Cloud functioning so well, despite him still not having gone to see Zack. 

He often thought about Cloud’s words regarding the time he had spent travelling across the country alone. Having been out on the road had been something Cloud needed to do for himself. Roxas was happy that his brother had been able to experience the same kinds of revelations as Roxas had encountered on his own soul searching over the years. He liked to reflect on how it had been liberating and empowering. It had been everything that his current life felt lacking in at this moment.

He often thought of Axel too. The man was an ever present flame burning in the back of his mind. He wondered whether or not the relationship he had with him was detrimental to the both of them. Where they good for each other? Roxas always saw Zack as being good for Cloud. He wished he had such a clear picture of what his own relationship was like. But it was always foggy to look at. Always too many emotions distorting everything.

The haze did not lift, but only grew thicker. Roxas’ unfinished business was finally resolved, especially once Cloud moved out to start his own life in Radiant Gardens. The move heralded a closure of a very long chapter, but also opened up a very painful new door, which Roxas had been desperately trying to avoid.

The nervousness around telling the news to Axel was heavy. Roxas still felt bad for having left and forgotten the man once. The void which had grown between them didn’t make the guilt go away or make his impending departure any easier.

Roxas was forced one night to speak with Cloud about this very issue as Cloud had come around for their weekly dinner date. It was a time to catch up and share news. It was a time to be alone with each other.

“Roxas, is everything alright between you and Axel? You two never seem to be with each other. I’d have thought you two would be living together by now. You stayed with him when you first got here, didn’t you?”

The question had settled in Roxas’ stomach like a rock. “We did live together. But I needed my own space, I guess. We sort of just imposed ourselves on each other. And our work schedules are a lot different. I think it’s great that you and Zack get to live together but still have your own spaces,” he finished, hoping to change the subject.

“Didn’t you say that you wanted to head back to Wutai? I was expecting you to come here, spend a few weeks or only a couple of months and then head right back. But it’s nearly been a full year. Is Axel keeping you here?”

Roxas groaned inwardly. He was just keeping _himself_ here because of guilt and being a giant chicken. But he lept to Axel’s defense immediately. It was like second nature for Roxas to defend his relationship with the redhead. “No - no. He’s not making me do anything. I was actually waiting for you to come and join me here, before I left.”

Roxas saw the way Cloud cocked his eyebrow at him. His brother didn’t need to say the words. Roxas knew.

“I - well - I guess I haven’t gotten around to telling him yet.”

“Why wouldn't you tell him? Shouldn't he be the first person you would have told?”

Roxas couldn’t tell Cloud how awful and toxic their relationship had gotten. He tried to play it down as best he could.

“I guess it’s just that he - seems so happy with his life,” Roxas shrugged helplessly. “Sure, he grumbles about his work and about his father - but I also know he gets a lot of satisfaction from what he does. I can’t ask him to leave and come with me on my account. And I feel terrible having to tell him that I will be leaving him once again. I know we don’t spend a lot of time together anymore but - I at least still love him.” 

Roxas berated himself for that poor choice of words at the end. Roxas knew he loved Axel, and he hated feeling uncertain about Axel’s feelings for himself. How had their relationship even gotten to this point? Roxas wanted to go curl up in bed and sulk.

“So you’ll just make yourself miserable and stay here forever?” Cloud sounded very skeptical.

This conversation was too similar to the myriad of conversations Roxas had already had with Xion. They always ended the same way, so Roxas was certain that he knew how this one would end too. Roxas decided he didn’t even need to go to bed to sulk. He just sat in his seat and did it there on the lounge, pouting with a sunken head.

“I’ve never known you to sit in your own misery, Rox. Don’t take after your stupid brother, you hear me?”

“I’ll tell him soon. I’m definitely not going to stay here for much longer. I really miss Yuffie and all the people down there. I don’t think Radiant Gardens is home for me anymore.”

Roxas saw the change in Cloud’s eyes; the way he deflated slightly and eyes grayed over.

“It’s funny how life’s moved on, huh? I just got here and you’re about to move on again. But I guess we’re living our own separate lives now. We’ve both found the places we feel most at home at. It’s -,” Cloud sighed heavily, “I don’t know how I’ll feel about us being separated for good though. I don’t want you to _not_ be a part of my life.”

Roxas felt sad about that prospect too, but Cloud was also right. Wutai was _home_ for Roxas. It was the place he belonged. And Roxas certainly wasn't the type who would sit in his own misery for too long. It had probably gone far enough. Both the Axel situation and his living situation. It had all become far too uncomfortable. He would fix it. He would change it. ‘ _Eventu-. No… very soon,’_ Roxas corrected in his own mind.

For some reason his resolve came much stronger when Cloud was there to bounce his thoughts off of. He felt stronger when Cloud was around. He felt able to make decisions. And right now the decision that he _would_ move back to Wutai came very easily.

“We’ll still stay in touch. We’ll take turns visiting each other, ok? You managed really well without me, Cloud. It’s done you a lot of good. Plus you have Zack now. You won’t even think twice about me, you’ll be so busy living your own great life,” Roxas finished with a smile.

But once Cloud left, his resolve faltered. He decided to spend the remainder of his night sulking in bed and rolled Cloud’s concerns over in his head. 

Roxas was scared. He was scared how Axel would react. He had been hit once, the hurt of which still stung his heart. He hated that there was no explanation for it. Axel always apologized but he never said _why_ other than ‘ _I got angry_ ’. 

Anger wasn't an excuse. Roxas got angry sometimes, but he knew that his anger stemmed from a sense of injustice - of needing to right a wrong - or to defend himself, or those he cared for. But with Axel - it always seemed like the man was just angry at Roxas. And that really hurt, and made Roxas question the love Axel held for him sometimes.

It’s what caused the distance between them to swell more, rather than ebb.

Cloud’s words about being miserable played on Roxas’ mind as well. There came a point where the misery did begin to outweigh the good things in his life.

He missed Yuffie, and Selphie. He missed the atmosphere of Wutai and it’s people. The people in Radiant Gardens began feeling stuffy and unfriendly. Everyone was out only for themselves, watching their own backs. 

The community spirit only seemed alive in the charity work Roxas was engaged in, and around festive seasons. He missed the sense of working towards a greater good, with _everyone_ pulling together to achieve it. He missed being able to see the good he was doing manifesting itself physically in front of himself through the rebuilding projects.

His satisfaction with life was waning. The misery grew and ballooned out of proportion over the days and weeks, which in the end was what caused Roxas to finally bite the proverbial bullet. 

He had visited Cloud and Zack to have dinner with them one week. He had told Cloud that he would leave soon. He told Cloud he would tell Axel. He hoped this would somehow cement his resolve and keep him accountable to following through with his actions.

Yes, he would tell Axel. They would go out to a nice restaurant, where they could be in public and Roxas could feel safe. He would tell Axel that he was planning to leave, very soon. He would even offer Axel to come along if the man seemed receptive to the idea.

That was the plan. It was a good, solid and safe plan.

* * *

 

It had started off pretty benign. Roxas and Axel had agreed on a day and time and then it was only a matter of them deciding a location. 

“Whadda ya feel like having for dinner?” Axel asked pretty casually, arms slung around Roxas’ shoulders while they stood in Axel’s penthouse.

“We’re gonna go eat at that bistro by the south lake.”

“We always eat there - why can’t we try something different?” Axel protested.

“Axel.” Roxas became disgruntled, and pulled away from the other man.

“C’mon, Roxy. There’s supposed to be _amazing_ fish down by Lanksview, because all the trucks that come from the ocean stop there. I know how much you like fish - especially when it’s fresh. Or let’s go to the retro discotech that opened over at Banksia. Demyx’s been raving about it to me all week. You can watch me fall over,” Axel grinned.

“No,” Roxas cut Axel off. “I told you what I want to do, so let’s go and do that.”

Axel huffed and walked away.

Somehow the friendly atmosphere had eroded and both of them were standing at opposite ends of Axel’s livingroom.

“Why is it always your wishes that I have to submit to?” Axel began after a moment more of seemingly needing to collect his thoughts.

“You wanted my opinion, I’m giving it to you. Why are you getting so upset about this anyway, Axel? It’s just _food_.” Roxas was irritated at them not being able to come to a simple decision. It always played this way.

Axel just growled and made a clicking sound in the back of his throat, “Because I _asked_ you a question, and you don’t even have the courtesy to ask what I might want to do. You just _tell_ me that your mind’s made up and that’s the end of it. It’s unfair, Rox.”

“Unfair because you’re losing for once?” Roxas couldn’t help but jab at Axel.

“This isn’t a game, Roxas. Since when have we stopped caring what the other thinks? Since when is it ok for _one_ of us,” Axel cocked an eyebrow meaningfully at Roxas, “to just dictate what we both do together? It wasn’t ok for me to do that, so why is it alright for you to start treating me like shit?”

Axel’s words burned Roxas. After all that Axel had done he had the nerve? “Like _shit?_ You really think I’m treating you like -,” Roxas stopped, swallowing the words down. He looked away from Axel and inhaled deeply before resuming his glare, albeit with an attempt to soften it somewhat. “We were just supposed to go have a nice dinner so we could talk. Why are you always blowing things out of proportions? I can’t say anything to you without you having a negative reaction! Why are you always so angry at me?”

Axel’s nostrils flared. “I’m not angry. _You’re_ the one who takes everything I do or say in a bad way. Like I’m attacking you; like I’m infringing on your freedoms. But everything is always on your terms. It’s alway ‘ _Poor Roxas_. _Axel is such a bad man. Treats me real bad_.’ Yeah sure - how things were before wasn’t ok. I’m sorry for that but don’t you think you’ve punished me enough now? All I want is to have you at my side, but you push me away.” Axel looked so sad. 

“I ask you to come live with me - I ask you to spend a little time with me - It’s always a ‘ _no_ ’. Any opinions I have are always met with a ‘ _no_ ’. You don’t even _ask_ me things anymore. You just _tell_ me. Like I don’t matter - like you don’t _care_. Like I’m just an enormous annoyance for you in your precious life. What am I supposed to do with all this rejection?”

Roxas’ heart was beginning to beat a lot faster and he could feel himself begin to seethe. The way his pulse increased and throbbed in his veins began feeling unpleasant. The heat that was rising up from his stomach, and the way he had to clench his jaw, to not end up in a violent yelling match, was making him upset. 

Why were they even talking about this? Roxas had thought all this had been put behind them already. “I’m not rejecting you. I’m putting up boundaries. I’m doing what is right for me to protect myself.” It came out hard and biting. Roxas knew he had used the wrong tone and wrong words as soon as they left his mouth.

“Protect yourself from what? _From me_?” Axel seemed to grow even taller as he headed towards Roxas, eyes narrowed, and teeth grinding. 

The heat in Roxas seemed to scatter and flee at the sight of Axel’s approaching rage. Roxas took a few steps back, bumping into a small cabinet and hitting the wall with his back. “You’re terrifying, sometimes, Axel.” Roxas didn’t like being cornered one bit so he tried to step forward again to stand his ground and look staunch. 

“Just fucking let it go, Roxas. How many times do you want me to apologize for that? I can’t say or do anything without you holding my past actions against me. You paint me in this really bad light in your stupid head.” Axel knocked a sharp finger against Roxas’ temple.

Roxas scoffed at Axel in derision and batted the offending hand away from himself. The insult, coupled with being almost chest to chest with Axel, restored some of the outrage Roxas had been feeling just moments earlier. 

“My _stupid head_? I don’t have to do much painting, Axel. You do a wonderful job of that all by yourself. Just look at you. The way your fire up, the way you take things all wrong. The way you only see things from your point of view. And you’re calling _me_ stupid? Look in a mirror once in a while, and look beyond your vanity while you’re at it, to see the fucking hypocrite that you are.” Roxas felt triumphantly justified. But it didn't stop the tension inside himself. It didn’t lessen the way his hands clenched and shook with fear and rage.

Roxas never thought he could actually feel something akin to hatred for the man. But he was getting pretty close to it.

Axel’s eyes went wide with outrage. Roxas could see the way Axel was trembling, seemingly trying very hard to keep his hands steady and at his sides.

“You’re the hypocrite Roxas. You are so caught up in your self righteous _bullshit_. It’s much easier to see fault in others than to ever admit it about yourself. I at least _know_ I’m not perfect. I _never_ pretend to be, unlike _you_. Like you’re God’s fucking Gift to the World. And yeah, maybe I _am_ to blame for that one. I’ve always treated you like that, coz you _are_ my fucking gift. But your brother is also to blame for that. Both of us combined have given you a complex.”

“Leave my brother out of this. You have no right to talk about him.”

“If you loved me half as much as you loved your stupid emotionally stunted brother we wouldn’t be having this argument.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” hissed Roxas.

“You put him before everything. You put him before _me_. You couldn't trust me enough to tell me he’s back? Couldn’t trust me enough to even _hint_ at it? Instead you leave me in the cold. And for what? To protect the two people who are _more_ important to you than I am.”

“Stop being so fucking jealous. This is exactly why it’s so fucking suffocating to be around _you_.” Roxas dug his finger into Axel’s chest to emphasize his words. “All _your_ unfounded conclusions. All _your_ neediness.”

“There you go calling me selfish again,” snapped Axel, hitting Roxas’ hand away.

“I never said that!” deflected Roxas with a shout. “You’re the one calling _me_ selfish all the time. But sure. You want me to apologize? Fine!” he barked into Axel’s face. Roxas had enough of the man’s immaturity and self-absorbed bullshit. 

“Sorry for caring so much for my _one fucking remaining_ family member in the _whole fucking world_!” he flailed his arms around while he shouted, to help illustrate his points. “Sorry I don’t have a fucking cushy, perfect life. Sorry I never got given everything I ever wanted on a silver platter. Sorry that I can’t whinge about how my father is a hard arse, because mine is _dead._ You can’t even see what you’re doing to me… to _us_. You get so caught up in your own shit.”

“You know that’s not what I mean,” Axel seemed to try his hand at an apology.

“Give it a rest, Axel. If you didn’t mean it then why even say it?”

Axel’s mouth drew tightly together before he spat out with venom, “You turn everything back to be about you. ‘ _Boo-hoo, my poor orphaned life_ ’. Like that gives you a right to treat everyone who’s had it better than you like dirt. It doesn't, so get off your fucking high horse, princess. My life and my hardships aren’t of any less value than what you’ve been through.” 

Nostrils flared, “But you can’t even see that. You can’t even see _me._ Everything I do gets filtered, tainted and warped in your fucked up head. How am I supposed to make it better if you never give me a chance? _Your_ _attitude_ and narrow mindedness is ruining us, not _me_.”

“My attitude?” Roxas’ mouth was left hanging open in disbelief. 

Axel huffed out with great force. “Yeah, your fucking attitude! You _always_ blame me. _Everything_ is my fault. But it's you who is being selfish, Roxas. You _never_ tell me anything. You avoid me, you openly _lie_ to my face.”

“Lie?” Roxas’ voice cracked an octave too high. “I’ve never fucking lied to you.”

Axel laughed in a sickeningly loud way which held no joy inside of it.

“There you go doing it again,” scoffed Axel. “Not telling me things is the same thing. You fucking hurt me so much. I just -. I can’t handle this. I lo-”

“Just stop! Stop throwing out that word to try and shut me up. I’m sick of hearing it. Your _love_ won’t fix shit this time, Axel. And you know why? Because your words are becoming like wind. Fucking always there but completely useless. I’ve heard it so many fucking times that it doesn't even _mean_ anything anymore. You think saying shit like ‘ _love’_ makes everything better? It _doesn’t_. You don’t love me. You’re in love with the idea of loving me. If you really loved me you’d let me fucking go. You’d let me do what I want to do. I’m so sick of all your shit.”

Axel’s eyes were burning with a raging inferno. He stepped forward, forcing Roxas back against the wall. Roxas just looked back up at Axel with the same disdain that was being shown towards himself.

“Get off me you fucking shit!” Roxas slammed his arms against Axel, but the man didn’t budge. Axell’s face only hardened more. Roxas’ hands ended up getting caught in a burning and frighteningly strong grip.

“I’ve fucking let you do _everything_ you ever wanted to do, you _ungrateful piece of fucking shit_!” bellowed Axel. He released Roxas’ hands, throwing them back down against Roxas’ sides. He squeezed his eyes shut, causing the tears which had been filling up, to finally roll down his cheeks. Axel clenched his fists into tight, trembling balls. “But you don’t see it. You see nothing good I ever do for you. You’re fucking killing me here. Why won’t you believe me?” 

Axel’s accusations kept sprouting worth and he just continued to push against Roxas, while keeping his head bowed, desperate to control his temper. “Why won’t you see me? Why is nothing I do good enough for you? What more can I do? What more do you _want_? Why does it feel like you don’t even _like_ being near me? Why does it feel like you fucking _hate_ me? How much more can I try before you break me? I don’t fucking know what you want from me. How much space can I give you before I vanish from your life completely? Is _that_ what you want? To be rid of me?” Axel screamed with fire and ice.

‘ _I don’t want to be rid of you, Axel_ ’ he wanted to say but choked on his words. He felt his throat clamp up, and deeply painful emotions welled inside his chest. Sobs were building in his depths but had nowhere to go.

How had it come to this?

”You want me to give too much. You want everything your way and Axel can go _fuck_ himself,” spate Axel. He couldn’t look at Roxas. He couldn’t look at anything. Everything hurt too much. His life was falling apart.

Tears stung Roxas as he watched Axel’s bitter pain leaking out of those eyes which were so painfully squeezed shut. His whole face was contorted and engulfed in a fiery and disfiguring rage. 

The world around him began to dim as Axel’s fire burned brighter.

“Axel’s feelings don’t count. Axel will do whatever you ask because he fucking _does love_ you and you know how to play him and how to play the game. _You_ abuse your power. _You_ abuse my weakness for you.” 

Axel began screaming and hurting even louder, “ _You're_ the one who's being suffocating, not me, Roxas. You’re the one who’s selfish, and overbearing and doesn't know how to give, but only ever takes. I have given _so fucking much_ for you! I’ve put up with my father's shit for _years_ because of you! I’m _miserable_ because of _you_ ,” Axel screeched in sobbing pain, “and you don’t even acknowledge any of it, because you’re so caught up in living your perfect life. I’m so _sick_ of being left behind!” Axel squeaked through his bitterness. His whole body clenched inward.

The words only tightened around Roxas, squeezing the life out of him painfully.

Axel let out a loud huff and the tension in Axel’s face finally left him, giving way to overwhelming sadness and exhaustion. 

“I don’t want to lose you, Rox. I’m so scared to lose you and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I wish I didn’t love you half as much as I do,” Axel began to properly cry, dowsing the internal flames.

“Ah-x -,” wheezed Roxas with his last breath.

Hearing that pained squeak forced green eyes to be released and open at long last. He looked at Roxas with hurt, but then confusion and shock blossomed. 

Roxas had turned a sickening shade of purple. 

He noticed his hand tightly clamped around Roxas’ neck, clasping and pushing the blonde up against the wall. Axel could see red raised marks on his extended arm, like scratch marks. Roxas’ head was lolling to the side, eyes vacantly glazed over, arms limp at sides and feet barely touching the floor.

Axel’s eyes went even wider in shock and horror. He forced his stiff fingers to release themselves, ceasing the squeezing, pressing and closing around the soft flesh surrounding Roxas’ windpipe.

Axel felt like he was punched in the gut.

Roxas slumped to the ground like dead weight.

* * *

 

Roxas was floating and enveloped by icy darkness. There was nothing but the endless void. There was no sound, no time, no sense of anything. But it _was_ deathly cold, and that seemed to be the reason why Roxas couldn’t feel much. And that was nice. Roxas _did_ feel sleepy though. So incredibly sleepy. But even that sleepiness seemed nice. It called him and enticed him.

But he was also ravishingly starved. He hungered for something but wasn’t sure what it was. It wasn’t for food. It didn’t feel right. He hungered for something he had never hungered for before. But the cold was even beginning to numb that. He would be able to go to sleep soon, once the pangs of hunger subsided.

Something niggled at him though. Something dull began growing in ferocity. It became sharper the longer Roxas spent noticing the weird sensation. It was an unwelcome, piercing intrusion. Roxas just wanted to sleep. But it kept forcing itself in and hurt like hell every time it was forced inside of himself. It was warmth and fire. It burned him, desperate to ignite and melt the ice.

It was filling something that had collapses inside himself.

Reality jolted him wide awake. One moment he had been looking at shocking red and the next he had been surrounded by complete darkness. He suddenly remembered what he was so hungry for. 

_Air_. He needed air!

Roxas gasped loudly and began coughing, spluttering and wheezing. The air burned and cut as Roxas desperately sucked as much of it inside of himself as he could. His heart was out of control and he was paralyzed with shock and fear. All his effort was on trying to breathe but it hurt so much. Roxas didn’t want to breath anymore. He didn’t want to feel the shards of glass cut down into his body.

But he was also so incredibly hungry for it. He was starved and needed every painful inhale.

He couldn’t hear anything but a deafening silence, which suddenly exploded into a piercing orchestra of white noise. Roxas flinched against the pain. Everything hurt. Why did everything have to hurt? Why couldn’t he go back to the numb cold?

Roxas was still engulfed in darkness. He went to open his eyes, to finds that they were already open. He blinked. Nothing changed. Panic seized him for a moment. He blinked furiously, feeling tears prickle against his eyes. He kept sucking in the liquid fire, blinking and trying to shut his ears to the horrific white noise. His heart was racing and he was trembling all over. 

Slowly his vision returned as Roxas’ body began to relax a little. Everything was blurry and unfocused. Sensations started returning to his body. Roxas was laying down on something hard. He focused on the off white blur. He twitched his fingers against the scratchy fabric. It must be carpet. Was he on the floor?

Roxas’s eyes began to focus more rapidly and he could make out red and green hovering over him. Roxas’ heart began pounding again more ferociously. Memories flooded back to him. Axel had -.

The tears increased making everything only more blurry.

The man’s mouth seemed to be moving, and Roxas suddenly became aware of a warmth on his back, moving backwards and forwards. It was that sickening hand on Roxas’ back, stroking him.

Roxas heard nothing but that tumultuous white noise reverberating around his head.

He wanted to scream and shout but only tears which felt nothing but hurt, disgust, and betrayal sputtered forth. He clutched at his throat. It hurt to swallow. It hurt to sob. He couldn’t get a word out. 

Roxas wanted to leave. He didn’t want to be anywhere near that fucking bastard ever again. He pumped his muscles, he roused his limbs. Roxas sat himself up. Awful warm hands were on his shoulders in an instance, trying to keep him down. Roxas was sick of Axel always keeping him down. He scrambled up, clutching and searching in desperation for anything that might serve as leverage. He found the small cabinet he had bumped against earlier. A violent headspin greeted Roxas once he was upright, causing him to lean and stumble. 

Arms all of a sudden came to his aid but Roxas, with strength he managed to pull up from somewhere deep within himself, pushed them away, while trying to raspily speak the word ‘ _Don’t_ ’. But it only came out as squeaky wind. 

Roxas felt like he had been out at sea for a month. Everything warped and moved, swaying his body. Roxas clung to the cabinet, closing his eyes and still sucking in that much needed air.

Roxas began being able to hear Axel’s voice, but he chose not to listen. He never wanted to hear that man’s voice ever again.

Roxas regained a steady perception of the world after a few more moments of standing still. Once he was sure he could manage it, he headed for the elevator doors, ignoring every single thing Axel was trying to say.

He left and he would never come back.


	18. Destiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their love for one another was fickle. Destiny was bone-headed and stubborn. Roxas has made up his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter. And my gosh... is it a _monster_.
> 
> You can find the _The Clock Tower_ 's [playlist here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Kbr-fUQMwk&list=PLGBPGoX1ZkwnSokYlfoyj0zF7Gf-NVW0-).

He wove through the quiet streets, towards a yet unknown destination. His whole body shook with fear and adrenaline. He tightened his grip on the handlebars of his bike and tried to keep his ride steady. Everything still burned and hurt. Every inhale hit his throat like a thousand shards, piercing, scratching and digging. Angry tears streamed down Roxas’ face. 

Roxas didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t want to go home either in case Axel would show up begging him for forgiveness. 

Roxas had enough. He wasn’t going to let himself get treated like that anymore. No more vying for control, no more abuse. 

Roxas remembered the last time he had been in a strangle hold like that. It had hurt less and hadn’t left a mark. To be frank it hadn’t even been as terrifying. Everything was ten times worse when it came from the man he loved, and who should love him in return.

He couldn’t let Cloud see him this way or Axel would be as good as dead, and Roxas didn’t want that. It would cause more trouble for Cloud. Roxas didn’t want to ruin Cloud’s happy ending, he thought with fury. 

He didn’t give two shits about Axel. Axel could rot in hell. He’d be in good company down there. Roxas gunned his engine harder. He needed to get as much distance as was humanly possible between himself and that fucking menace.

So he went towards Xion’s place instead. Roxas had no idea how he had even managed to get himself to her front door. He swore he had several blackouts while racing down the streets. He had almost crashed twice, swerving back onto the road in the nick of time. But he had made it. That was the main point.

He heaved and vomited up bile on her doorstep while he waited for her to answer. 

He felt so cold.

Roxas turned around when he heard the click of the door opening. He was still bent over, hands on thighs for extra support, and looking woeful.

“What are you doing being drunk on a workday, Roxas? Being an alcoholic was supposed to be a joke,” came her irritated voice. “I’m going to make you hose that down in the morning, I’ll have you know.”

Roxas looked up at her. He felt woozy and staggered into her arms, leaning his entire weight against Xion. She protested but brought him in and helped to ease Roxas down onto her lounge. She looked him over without sympathy at first. But then she began to notice the discoloration of his face and swelling on his neck. 

Her blue eyes widened in horror.

“ _Roxas!_ ” She clasped her hands over her mouth.

Roxas just looked up at her, feeling pathetic, miserable and sick.

She ran into the kitchen, yelling ‘ _Shit_ ’ over and over again. Roxas could hear her opening and slamming cupboard doors. She returned shortly with a bucket, which she placed at his feet, some bottles of water, and an ice pack.

Xion busied herself with uncapping the bottles and handing the ice pack to Roxas.

He took the pack, but didn’t quite know where to press it, because everything just hurt. 

“For your neck, dummy. You can’t have that swelling up or you’ll suffocate.” Xion looked deathly worried. “I’ve gotta call the ambulance, Roxas. You need to get checked out. Who knows what damage could be going on beneath that.” She placed a finger against her own neck for emphasis. 

Her horrific concern turned to mighty rage. “I’m also gonna call the police!” She turned to leave but Roxas reached out and grabbed her hand, stopping her.

Roxas shook his head but then winced and grimaced. That motion aggravated his injury and caused the vile nausea inside himself to intensify.

“I don’t care _how much_ you love him, Roxas. This is abuse, and he deserves to be locked away for it. And I’m worried _sick_ about you. You need to get this seen to!”

Roxas wheezed, trying to get the lump out of his throat. He tried again, and with great force labored through his short sentence, “Please don’t.” 

His voice rasped and Xion winced with how painful it sounded.

“Don’t talk. Here, let me get you something to write on.”

Xion fetched him a writing pad and a pen so their dialogue could continue.

 _\- No police. No hospital. I’m fine_.

“Like hell you are! You can’t even talk!” 

_\- I’ll be fine in a bit._

“You know you got strangled, right? That’s what this is. It’s no joke. You can’t just brush this off like it’s nothing. I can’t believe _he_ did that to _you_! You guys are supposed to be _in_ _love_ with each other! What the heck are you guys doing to each other? I told you to be careful around him.”

_\- I know x2. We got into an argument. I’ll be leaving. You don’t have to worry. I’m not going back to Axel. I know how serious this is._

Roxas frowned up at Xion.

“Damn straight you’re not going back to him! This isn’t normal. This isn’t what ‘ _getting into an argument’_ should ever look like.”

Roxas pointed to his ‘ _I know’_ in reply to Xion’s outrage.

She seemed to calm down a little but still looked at Roxas with a frown, before sadness settled over her.

“Roxas, what the hell happened. How does an argument turn into this?” Xion touched the exposed part of his neck with soft fingertips. The bruising was bright and swelling up. When she had finished looking at the grotesque sight Xion returned the ice pack to cover the worst of it.

Roxas’ eyes just welled up with tears. He shook his head, being a lot more careful this time around, and shrugged his shoulders. He couldn’t even cry the way he wanted to. There was a burning need inside himself to howl with the brutal sadness he was feeling. He wanted to let this pain bleed out but all the could do was to keep it inside, because his sobs had nowhere to go right now.

“You’re staying with me tonight, Roxas. If this gets any worse,” she touched his neck again with tenderness, “I’m taking you to the hospital, or calling an ambulance. No matter what your wishes are.”

_\- Thank you, Xion <3_

* * *

 

Roxas stayed with Xion over the next few days while she watched him like a hawk. She didn’t go to work. She just stayed with Roxas and they played video games together. Whenever Roxas’ cell phone buzzed they both ignored it.

None of the calls or text messages were even from Axel, but instead from Zack. So, _so_ many were from Zack. Roxas presumed that they were all in relation to Axel, so he needn’t bother answering them. Even if he had wanted to answer them he wouldn’t have been able to talk much. His neck still looked dreadful and hurt even worse. He also reasoned with himself that if anything important were to come though it would be from Cloud.

Yet there was _one_ short and succinct message which screamed for attention.

Z - _‘Rox, I need to know you’re alive or I will tell Cloud._ ’

He begrudgingly _did_ respond to that one.

R - ‘ _Yeah I’m alive, so leave me the fuck alone._ ’

That seemed to do the trick. Roxas’ phone stopped buzzing and he was left alone.

But what he was left alone with was hideous. 

His dreams were sickening nightmares filled with violence. He dreamed of drowning, he dreamed of burning alive. He dreamed of getting chased and hunted. He always dreamed of a steely grip around his throat. He always awoke unable to breathe due to sheer panic flooding him. That only caused him to relive the waking nightmare he had experienced days earlier.

When that happened Roxas had no hope of getting back to sleep. So he would steal out into Xion’s backyard for some fresh air. Roxas had found a rusted pole in the bushes and used it to beat and pulverize the ground with it. He screamed in his head at how much he fucking _hated_ Axel - Sephiroth - and his dad. He did this until he felt exhausted and then slunk back to bed and hoped for sleep to take him.

“Roxas, why are there so many holes in my lawn? I know it’s not squirrels,” Xion had asked him on the third day.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered and had left it at that. Roxas’ voice had returned, but he said hardly anything to help the recovery process, and Xion understood that.

She sighed in defeat. “I suppose it’s better you hurt my garden than yourself or someone else. I don’t want to see you get arrested after all. But leave my seashell collection alone. If you break any of them I’ll be breaking you.”

During the light of day Roxas was fine and didn’t need an outlet for his frustrations. It was the nights - it was those nightmares - that made him all unreasonable and caused him to freak out. Roxas felt a sickening sympathy directed towards his brother. He felt disgusted that he now knew from first hand experience some of what Cloud had been through. His heart bled for Cloud and himself. Why couldn’t they have had the easy life?

Besides wallowing in self pity, Roxas also spent a lot of time replaying the crazy evening in his mind.

He tried to recall what Axel had said. At some point all sound seemed to have just faded into the background and became noise. He tried to understand why the man had gotten so angry. Yet again Roxas had to wonder if Axel _did_ love him. This felt more like hate and contempt, not love. It felt like they were both hurting each other and enjoying it because loving each other was too hard. It irked Roxas to be feeling this way.

Those thoughts brought tears to Roxas’ eyes. He didn’t hate Axel. Not really. But if Roxas could hate then it would be easier to leave. He felt stupid that he was still clinging on. Stupid that he still didn’t want to go.

Xion seemed to pick up on this and cornered him over breakfast on the fourth day.

“Roxas, why are you still here?” she had meant it with a lot of love.

“I -,” Roxas swallowed hard.

Xion just looked at him with her hardened gaze.

“Well?” was her impatient prompt.

Roxas chewed his toast, looking at anything that wasn’t Xion.

“I’ve still got your promise in writing. It’s on the notepad. Do you want me to go get it and read it out to you?”

Roxas shook his head, but she stormed off anyway, coming back in a few moments with the pad of paper in her hand.

Despite feeling disgruntled Roxas still smiled. Xion was such a mom.

She cleared her throat for dramatic impact and began reading, “ _I’ll be leaving”,_ she threw a hard look at Roxas. “ _You don’t have to worry, I’m not going back to Axel,_ ” she looked at Roxas again, raising an eyebrow. “And this is my favorite bit, Roxas,” she cleared her throat again. _“I know how serious this is.”_

“So…” she prompted again.

“It’s not so easy, Xion,” Roxas began. When he kept his voice close to a whisper he could talk for longer. He felt like this might take a while, so he needed to prepare himself.

“I think I’ve been a terrible boyfriend to Axel. I’ve been really hard on him. I’ve been a coward and spineless and I’ve kept secrets.”

“So?” she pressed again.

“I don’t want to - I can’t -.” Roxas stopped himself. It was too early in the morning to cry. 

But he needed to tell Xion _something_. Her piercing glare said it all.

He buried his head between his hands.

“I know, I _know_ , Xion. Our relationship never got better after he hit me the first time. I thought we could fix things but I just couldn’t let go of how pissed off I still feel about how he’s treated me. I don’t like what he’s doing to me. I don’t want to be the one telling him what to do, but he just doesn’t understand that I’m scared of him. I don’t like that he’s forcing me to be this person I don’t want to be.” 

“Then go, Roxas,” urged Xion.

“If I leave it will break his heart. I - can’t.”

“Don’t stay just because it makes someone else happy. If it leaves you feeling miserable it’s a sign you need to go.”

“I know that.” He looked back up at her. “I don’t want to be someone who keeps going back to the person that’s hurt them most. But I get why it’s so hard to say ‘ _goodbye_ ’. For some stupid reason I still love him. I don’t even know why. After all he’s done to me? I wish I could hate him, Xion. I wish I could do back to him what he did to me. But - I can’t. It makes me sick to think about it. But maybe I need to learn. Maybe I need to figure out a way to hate him, and then I’ll be free.”

Roxas thought of Cloud, and how hate had set him free of Sephiroth’s abuse. Roxas fought against his tears. He hated all the parallels he was seeing with himself and his brother of late.

“We’re so broken,” sobbed Roxas. The tears had finally come irrespective of what his wishes had been.

“I don’t think there’s anyone you could hate, Roxas. And that’s a nice quality to have. Don’t let Axel be the one to take that good thing away from you.” 

Xion lay a gentle hand on top of Roxas’ one, and stroked him.

It pained Roxas to smile but he did anyway. He valued Xion’s support in all this.

“You gave the relationship a good try, and that’s all anyone can ever ask of anyone else. It’s like - when you try to make a new soup from an old batch. You remember how good that stock was, and you want to re-create it, but nothing you do can freshen it up sometimes. Then you know you need to dump it. It’s ok to let go of some stuff. Not all soup stocks are good, and not all relationships are good either. It’s ok to go back to where you want to be. Axel made the mistakes. He’s got to live with the consequences now.”

An amused smile played on Roxas’ lips. “You’re so much like Sheng sometimes it’s creepy,” he finished with a chuckle.

“Oh shush, you,” Xion swatted at him playfully.

“Thanks for that advice though. It’s hard to let go. But you’re right. I gave it a good crack. Maybe we were just never destined to be together after all. Maybe this soup needs to be dumped.”

“Things in our memories are better off left there. That one’s gratis.”

“Oh, how generous. One of yours?”

“Nah, moms,” Xion smiled.

* * *

 

Roxas, with a heavy heart, made the decision that he was going to leave. Xion had been supportive and kind enough to go around to his place and gather all Roxas’ belongings. She also returned the key to Sora’s parents. Roxas was bitter that he couldn't say goodbye to them in person. He hated that it seemed like he was always leaving this city in a rush. But he just couldn't risk anyone seeing him.

The marks on his neck were still visible. His throat and voice was still raw and hoarse, breaking from time to time if he spoke for too long. But other than that he hadn’t received any more severe or permanent damage. Roxas considered himself fortunate in that regard. 

It was so damn obvious what had happened though, and Roxas felt deep shame about it.

So on the fifth day after his attack from Axel, Roxas stood in Xion’s hallway. It was a ridiculously early hour in the morning, but he had his bag packed and was ready to leave. 

“Look after yourself, ok? Let me know when you get back to Wutai. I promise I’ll come and visit you and my parents. I’ll make more of an effort to stay in touch.”

Roxas smiled. “I know your parents will appreciate that. Thanks for everything, Xion.”

They gave each other a fond farewell hug and Roxas departed, at long last. He was finally heading towards where he felt most at home and where he belonged. 

Roxas sped into the night, casting any thoughts of Axel far away as they rose and fell in his mind, like a sweeping tide. They brought him nothing but pain.

He did still have one final destination to visit before he completely left Radiant Gardens. 

He went to Zack’s place. He wanted to say goodbye to Zack and pass on a message to Cloud. 

Roxas resented that the most about this whole situation; he couldn’t say goodbye to his brother in person. He felt so desperate to see Cloud and not sneak away in the dark like a fugitive. But he had no choice.

So he waited outside of the warehouse, having texted Zack to meet him there. He didn’t have to wait too long before he saw that familiar face emerge from Cloud’s warehouse door.

Despite the stress of the last few days Roxas felt a flutter of delight at seeing Zack come out of Cloud’s place. At least his brother had found his happy ending with Zack. It was good that one of them had a stable and healthy relationship. That provided some comfort for Roxas against the brutal reality he had been living of late.

“Shit, Roxas! It’s so good to see you!” 

Roxas was pulled into a firm hug against Zack’s bare chest, but Roxas didn’t feel like reciprocating. His arms hung loose and he frowned against Zack’s skin. 

Zack noticed and returned the frown once Roxas had been released. “I’m sorry I had to pull the ‘ _I’m gonna tell Cloud_ ’ card on you but you had us worried sick about you! I didn’t have a choice. You need to let the people who care about you know that you’re alright.”

Roxas felt ill at the word ‘ _us’_. Of course Zack had meant Axel. Of course Axel had called Zack and told him _everything_.

“You _are_ alright though, yeah?”

Roxas gave Zack a deadpan stare.

“I’m leaving for Wutai in the dark of the night, without telling Cloud.” Roxas spoke, rasping, but as steady as he could. “I’m also not talking like this out of fun. So what do you think?” 

Roxas just cocked an eyebrow, pointedly.

Zack’s face pulled into a grimace and a compassionate hand landed on Roxas’ shoulder.

“I can't believe Axel lost it like that.”

Roxas huffed. “I wish -,” he cast his eyes down, feeling embittered. “I wish I had listened to you, all those years ago. You were right after all, Zack. He tore me down so hard. I should have been more careful. I - I wish I had never fallen so hard for him. It was so stupid of me. We’re no good for each other.” 

Roxas was beginning to get sick of the tears that just kept rolling too readily these last few days.

“Ah geez, Rox.” 

Zack pulled Roxas once more into a firm and even bigger hug. Roxas felt a kiss land on his forehead.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve told Cloud this and I will tell you too - What happened to you isn’t your fault. Axel can wear that mantle of responsibility by himself.” Zack’s finger ghosted and caressed Roxas’ tender neck and he huffed in disappointment.

Roxas saw the pain on Zack’s face. That seemed to be the default expression to Roxas’ situation; a deep felt resignation and pain.

“Why does he hate me, Zack?” whimpered Roxas, pressing his lips together so as not to cry.

“He doesn’t.”

“Then why are we hurting each other so much? Why’s he keep lashing out at me like this?”

“I can’t make excuses for him, Rox. We both know he’s got a temper. But you have one too.” 

“You think it’s my fault?” Roxas felt affronted by that remark.

Zack took a deep breath. “I think that it takes two to tango. A relationship is two people, Rox. You’re both right, and you’re also both wrong. You both chose each other for a reason.” 

“We’re… both right… and wrong?” Roxas mulled that idea over in his head.

Zack nodded.

“Yeah, when you guys get together it’s all fire and sparks. That’s what more than likely drew you two together - what makes you guys good together. But it also makes you guys really bad together sometimes. If both of you are explosive it ends… well you know. But if one or both of you are mellow it seems to come out all sweet.”

Roxas frowned. He didn’t want to agree with Zack but he had to acknowledge that they definitely both had a temper. All the good things in their lives and how they were with each other - all that happened when they were in a good frame of mind. But when they were both hurt and upset - run for cover.

The crease on his brow only deepened.

“What should I do, Zack? I don’t think we can fight our nature. I think we’ve been trying but it makes things worse. It’s why I can’t go back to him - this will just keep happening. We just… keep exploding. I’m so _scared_ of reliving the same things from the past over and over again. I don’t think we’ll ever change. And it seems that every time Axel explodes it gets _worse_. I - I don’t even want to think how bad the _next_ time might be. I don’t want a next time.”

“So you’re gonna run away.” It wasn’t said with any malice. It just seemed to be an observation.

Roxas chewed at his lip, and a hoarse “Yes,” squeaked out of him.

Zack looked at him with a lot of love.

“I’m proud of you, regardless. Proud that you are standing up for yourself. Proud that you refuse to accept what he is dishing out. That behaviour _isn’t_ acceptable, and I’m glad you know it. You’ve grown up so much since I first met you at that park,” smiled Zack. “I remember how suspicious you were of me. How much spunk you had. How you were able to reason with yourself and come to your own conclusion about me and whether to trust me or not. You’ve always had fight in you, Rox. You’ve always just seemed to instinctively know what’s been the right choice for you. And that has, and will continue to serve you well in your life. So don’t ask _me_ what to do. Listen to your gut. Trust in yourself. You’ll make the right decision for yourself.”

Warmth welled inside of Roxas, and his brows knitted with tearful joy instead. He liked how Zack could just set him straight sometimes, and boost his confidence. “Thanks, Zack. I -,” he sniffled. “I love you.” He looked up into the other man’s face and could see Zack’s slight discomfort.

“Rox-.”

“No - hear me out. I love you - but definitely not like how Cloud loves you. You make me so happy because you make Cloud happy.”

Zack still looked uncomfortable.

“I’m just _so_ glad that Cloud’s got you, you know? And you make it so much more bearable for me to leave Cloud here with you. I know he’ll be in very good hands.”

The discomfort finally melted from Zack and the corners of his mouth lifted.

“Cloud makes me really happy too. I can’t thank you enough for giving me his number.”

Roxas smiled at Zack, despite the seeming taboo topic surfacing invitingly. Maybe they _should_ talk about it. Roxas didn’t want to leave this city with stuff unsaid.

“We never spoke about Wintersday. I know we’re both fine with it but - I think I still need to say this; I’m sorry I made you kiss me. I misused our friendship. I betrayed Cloud. Axel’s right; I _am_ selfish.” 

“Wintersday was a bit crazy, wasn’t it,” Zack laughed nervously, rubbing at the back of his head. “But again, it takes two to tango. It’s not like I didn’t want to. You didn’t force me to do anything. I chose. I think I tried to tell myself that it was the least I could do to thank you. But in truth I was sad and lonely. And I kissed you because I really like you too, Rox.”

Roxas’ heart swelled. “You always seem to know just what to say. You always manage to fix my broken family. Thank you for that.” Roxas gave Zack a hug, which was reciprocated with a lot of warmth. 

He muffled into Zack’s neck, “I’m gonna miss you,” and stepped away from Zack.

“I’m gonna miss ya too, buddy,” Zack ruffled Roxas’ hair.

“Can you tell Cloud I left. I don’t want him to worry though. Just tell him I was super excited to get going. I kind of do want to see Yuffie and Selphie again in time for my birthday. I’ll be in touch with him soon enough.”

Zack nodded and Roxas made a slow move towards his bike.

“Roxas -.”

“Yeah?”

“I - this might seem weird but - I think you should see Axel before you leave.”

Roxas paused.

Zack was right. Roxas did find it incredibly weird. The thought of seeing Axel again actually scared him. The memory of those few nights ago was still too raw.

“You just told me to listen to my gut. And now you’re backflipping? He _strangled_ me. Why would I ever go _back_?” The hurt flared up in him once again and it came out as anger. The more he raised his voice the more it hurt. “He promised me he wouldn’t hurt me anymore, but he did. I can’t trust Axel any more. He’s burned that bridge.” 

“You can’t trust Axel, and I get that. But do you trust me?”

Roxas frowned.

“I don’t want to change your mind, Rox. I don’t want to get in the way of you leaving. I think it’s good that you’re finally going back to Wutai. Staying here for too long hasn’t been making you happy, so don’t think I’m asking you to stay. I just want you to give Axel a _proper_ goodbye.”

The frown only deepened.

“A _proper_ goodbye?”

“There’s a right and a wrong way to do this. I believe that if you leave like _this_ it’s going to be the _wrong_ kind of goodbye. Axel is distraught over what he’s done, and so he should be. Don’t ever think I will excuse his actions. But I think that this is the end of the line for Axel. And - I don’t want to guilt you into anything - but I’m actually scared for him. If you leave - without saying goodbye -.”

Zack’s face scrunched up in pain and settled back down into a grave expression, “Axel _really_ needs you to say goodbye.”

Roxas’ body buzzed uncomfortably. He was angry at Axel. He began feeling angry towards Zack too. Having come to the decision to leave had been hard. And now it was getting even harder.

“You say you don’t want to guilt trip me… but you _are_. What’s that shit even supposed to mean? He ‘ _really needs me to say goodbye_ ’. And your ‘ _scared_ for him’. You’re not giving me much of a choice here.”

“You always have a choice. Cloud and I will look after Axel when you’re gone. So don’t worry about it. I just think you should end things the right way.”

Roxas groaned inwardly and sighed deeply.

“I’m not asking you to risk your life and go meet him all by yourself, Rox. I would never ask you to do something so reckless. That wouldn’t be very responsible of me, now would it? We’ll be smart about it. I’ll come with you and I’ll keep you safe if it looks like things might go a bit outta whack. So whaddya say?” Zack finished with an energetic and hopeful tone. The kind that could suck anyone into doing anything with Zack.

Roxas really hated this. He shouldn’t have come to see Zack. He should have just gone.

“Fine,” he grumbled and gave a disgusted pout.

Zack’s relief was evident as he breathed out and his shoulders relaxed. “Thank you, Roxas! Just gimmie a minute. Let me change pants and put on a shirt and we’ll bike it to Axel’s place, together. Again, I’ll keep you safe.” 

The man beamed a smile at Roxas and bounded back inside.

Roxas stayed still for five seconds after Zack disappeared before he changed his mind. He stalked away, headed for his bike and got the hell out of there.

* * *

 

He rode out towards the city limits, so he could get onto the interstate and head down south. Roxas had all his worldly possessions strapped to his back and bike. He was leaving nothing behind bar for the few people he loved and the bad memories of a failed experiment. He had tried to resuscitate the relationship but it was never going to work when that relationship had been founded on dreams and illusions. 

Who falls in love with a kid in a hospital anyway? Who just puts their life on hold to go searching for someone they had only met once, briefly? Who would give themselves over so completely and blindly to someone else? Who went -. Roxas bit the inside of his cheek. Replace the hospital for a school and Roxas was describing himself.

 _Fuck_.

Roxas also cursed Zack’s words to him. What had Zack even meant by ‘ _end of the line’_? Doubt crept into Roxas’ heart. His resolve to abscond wavered. His love for Axel was like a pilot light, after all. The fire and passion within him would grow and diminish, but it never went out completely. 

Roxas thought it weird how calm Zack had been about Roxas’ whole situation. When he had gone to Zack after the slap, the man had reacted with a lot more outrage. This was far worse than a slap in the face. Axel had probably said something to Zack to curtail the outrage. Axel had probably manipulated the situation to get Zack on board. Gave the man a sob story to make it out like Roxas was the bad guy in this whole thing.

Roxas did trust Zack though. He didn’t think Zack to be stupid to fall for Axel’s lies. There must be a valid reason for Zack’s calm and pleas to end things ‘ _the right way_ ’.

He wished he could stop thinking about this.

He wished his heart would just turn to stone and that he could free himself of caring.

Roxas groaned deeply as he gave himself an ultimatum. He made a sharp left and changed his heading.

He wouldn’t go see Axel. But he _would_ go to the clock tower. One final time. If Axel was there, so be it. If he wasn’t - Roxas wouldn’t think on it further. Axel had gone too far. He didn’t leave Roxas with any other choice but to leave him, and Zack was right. Roxas wasn’t responsible for that redhead's temper and actions, and he refused to blame himself for it.

It was five in the morning and the sky above was growing lighter by the minute. Roxas had lingered at Zack’s warehouse too long. He had hoped to be well out of Radiant Gardens by the time first light had arrived, but now it was just around the corner. 

He parked his bike a block from the tower and walked the deserted streets. The closer the tower loomed the more nervous he felt.

Roxas began his final ascend of this familiar rickety staircase to the top. His thoughts drifted to memories of the past. 

It had been their final day together, and Roxas hadn’t even known, until he was ripped from Axel by his brother. Roxas thought about how that had been one of the kindest things Axel could ever have done for Roxas. It had hurt, but in the end it also had led to better things for himself. Axel was capable of doing the right thing. He was capable of being selfless. 

Affection within himself swelled for Axel as his feet continued pushing him upwards.

He thought about when he had returned here for the second time. So full of jitters and uncertainty. His self doubt and guilt had been rife. But Axel had been there in the end. A beacon. Roxas had felt like he had found that missing piece which would make his home in Wutai more complete. 

But he had failed in merging the two together. He had failed because his needs and Axel’s needs were chasms apart from one another. Axel had a career here, and Roxas just wanted to go back home. But Roxas had stayed. Because he was someone who was far better at making others happy than he had ever been at doing the same for himself.

How could he ever ask Axel to leave everything behind to be with him? Roxas wouldn’t be able to live with himself, knowing that someone he loved was miserable. But by not talking to Axel it had just made both of them miserable together. Roxas _had_ heard that at least. Axel felt miserable because of Roxas, and it squeezed fresh tears out of Roxas’ eyes the more he thought of those pained words.

That misery had caused the hitting. It had caused the resentment, and the gulf between them. All those things were far worse than never seeing each other again. And that’s why he thought it best to just leave.

But he _wasn’t_ leaving. Was he? 

Roxas’ frown just deepened as he continued to trudge upward.

He never wanted to ever be set upon like that again, by _anyone_. That’s why he had come up here that third time. To lay the ground rules. He had felt desperate to reconcile with Axel. He had wanted the man in his life. And it had seemed to work. Those following three months had been fantastic, for Roxas at least. But he had still failed to let Axel in on his grand plans. He had still failed to find the courage to ask Axel to move away with him. Roxas regretted that the most. He should have just left at that point, and not lingered. If he couldn’t be brave he should have just gone away.

He thought about the words he _did_ manage to hear Axel speak through the ringing in his ears, those few nights ago. Roxas had been happy with their arrangement, but he somehow unwittingly had left Axel out of the equation. It made Roxas even more anxious about bringing up the ‘ _move to Wutai’_ thing with the other man. Would Axel perceive this as another attack or encroachment on Axel’s life? Would this be yet another example of how Roxas was being _selfish_ and imposing his own will?

Roxas stilled his upward movement. Frozen with fear.

Axel had been the one who wronged him though. Axel had been the one to take it too far and crossed the line that should never be crossed. So Roxas had felt justified in his boundary setting. And he still felt that way. Could Axel, in good conscience, blame Roxas now for wanting to be careful? For needing distance and protection from him? Roxas thought there was no way Axel couldn’t agree, considering what the man had done to him.

So he resumed his upward trajectory.

Now he was making his fourth and final journey up there. Roxas was never going to come back. He would never ascend these stairs again. It was a fact. He would still come back to Radiant Gardens, because this is where Cloud and Zack would stay - a thought which made Roxas happy beyond belief. But for himself there would be no other reason to ever come back. Xion would come see him in Wutai, and Roxas could always go to Midgar to see Sora and Riku. 

There was nothing to stay in Radiant Gardens for anymore.

If Axel was up there, and once again, why should he be up here on this particular day, at this particular time? - then Roxas would say goodbye. And if he wasn’t he would leave Axel’s key, which he still carried with him for some stupid reason.

His mind was set, his heart was pounding against his chest, and he felt clammy all over. He was terrified of what he would find. 

This was another spectacular stupid idea. 

The final five steps up were the hardest. The door felt colder and heavier than it ever had before, as he leaned against it to push it open. The air outside whipped around him and bit into him far harsher than he expected. He felt like the tower was angry at him.

His legs felt like lead as he shuffled towards his destination.

His heart sank when he rounded the corner. 

He felt bitter and disappointed. 

What kind of a joke was life having at Roxas’ expense?

He had wanted to let go of the man. Find the easy way out. He would come up here, leave the key and go. But Axel was fucking _there_. Why was he _always - fucking - there?!_ Did the man spy on him? Was he always following Roxas around? His brother did work in security after all. But no. It was only ever one thing.

 _Destiny_.

Despite the morning summer breeze, which was like a mighty gale up there, he felt cold. Roxas pulled his riding jacket close around himself. Partly due to the cold, but also to ward away the uncomfortable feelings welling up inside. 

He had a choice now. 

He could still run away. 

Axel didn’t know he was here. For all Roxas knew Axel might already have thought that Roxas had left. But he had made this trade-off with himself. And clearly someone out there wanted the two of them to either kill each other or to live happy ever after. Roxas really hoped for the latter.

He swallowed down the fear. He swallowed down the feeling of his throat constricting and collapsing. He pushed the memory of ice cold hands against his throat, away. 

He took a wary step forward.

“Do you live up here or something?” Roxas made sure to have his voice sound as raspy as possible. He wanted Axel to feel bad, and he wasn't ashamed of it.

Axel’s sunken head shot up and he whirled around to look at the speaker. Roxas’ heart broke at the sight of the man. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked incredibly pale. The genuine surprise and relief that danced on Axel’s face was overwhelming.

Axel moved swiftly. Gracefully and effortlessly he lifted his tall, thin frame up from the wall and rushed towards Roxas.

“Roxas! You’re still here!” came the man's raw and quaking voice.

Roxas shrunk back in alarm. Panic seized him and arms stretched out in front of himself defensively. His hands clenched into fists involuntarily, and Roxas tucked his head into his chest for protection. 

That response made Axel stop dead in his tracks. He grimaced and plunged his hands deep into his jean pockets.

“Shit, Roxas. I can’t even begin to apologize to you.”

“Then fucking don’t. I don’t want or need your apologies anymore, Axel. We have moved so beyond that now. I’ve come to say goodbye. That’s all I’m up here for.” Roxas kept his arms up to ward off any attempts Axel might make to move closer to him. He kept his head down but eyes up, watching every move Axel made, with great caution.

Axel stood rooted in place for a long while though, eyebrows knitted together in hurt and thought.

Roxas’ words had winded him, and all his blood felt like it was sinking to the bottom of his feet.

“ _Goodbye_?”

“Yeah. I’m not putting up with this anymore. I’ve had enough, and I’m leaving,” Roxas squeezed out past the sob which threatened to spill if he thought too hard about his heartache. The longer he stayed up here the more at risk he was of caving in.

“So,” Axel began slowly, “there’s no point in me telling you how truly sorry I am? How I swear to you that I will never hurt you again, as I live and breathe?”

Roxas shook his head. “Your words don’t mean anything, Axel. Look what you fucking did to me!” Roxas pulled at his jacket to reveal his neck to the redhead. “Your words are empty, so just leave it.” 

Tears welled.

He didn’t want to hear any more promises and lies. He had steeled his heart against all pleas of leniency and forgiveness.

Axel’s lips pressed into a thin and bitter line. 

His brow only furrowed deeper. Roxas could barely look at the other man. He hated seeing how upsetting this was for Axel. It was pretty upsetting for himself as well. He didn’t want to go through with this but it was for the best.

He breathed in deeply, “Goodbye, Axel.” 

Roxas’ insides shook. He squeezed against his quivering lip, and turned towards the clock tower to descend and slip out of Axel’s life forever.

“Roxas!” his name was called in great desperation. 

It stilled Roxas’ footfalls, but he couldn’t turn around to look at Axel.

“Please just stay… for a little bit.”

“Why? There’s nothing left to say,” croaked Roxas, gritting his teeth in bitter pain.

“Can I at least answer your question and tell you why I’m always up here? Why this clock tower is my favorite place in this city?” Axel pleaded.

Axel seemed so desperate to be heard and acknowledged. Roxas knew he was also desperate for an excuse to stay.

He turned back around, face drawn tight.

Not talking was what had gotten them into this mess. He wanted a way out of this with all his heart. He wanted them to have a second chance, or a third, or fourth, as pathetic as that was. He gave Axel a minute nod, but remained poised to run.

He didn’t trust Axel, and that stabbed him fiercely in his chest.

“Thank you, Roxas.” Axel tried for a smile, but it fell flat. He seemed so exhausted.

Axel turned away. He wanted Roxas to feel safe and so returned to his seat on the wall, adding, “Feel free to push me off if you want. I know I deserve it.” 

Axel didn’t hear a sound behind him, so he thought it safe for the time being that Roxas wouldn’t take him up on the offer.

He breathed in heavily. “I come here so often because this clock tower is old and forgotten. It's just a cheap replica of its bigger and better original. No one even sees this tower anymore. No one even hears it. The bells are in disrepair, and it only chimes at every even hour. It's completely useless and only here for ornamental purposes.”

It was so much like himself it made Axel sick some days.

“I come up here to remind myself of all those things.”

Axel pulled his knees close to his chest and just stared out at the sunrise for a little while. It was growing more bright and dazzling by the minute, just like Roxas. He loved them both so much. 

“I don’t like that you think I don’t love you. It makes me sick that you feel I don’t mean what I say. I’ve loved you for longer than we have ever know each other. I can’t bare the thought that you don’t believe me. I can’t stand that I’ve done shit to make you doubt my love for you.”

He had felt such overwhelming disgust with himself over the things he had done.

“All my life I was never good enough. I thought that’s who I would always be, so I stopped giving a shit about others. But then you came along.”

“When I first met you I was so happy. I felt seen and heard. I felt like I could be important and precious to someone. That was a meaningful realization for me. That actually _meant_ something to me. And it all stemmed from that one selfless action you took. You became the world to me. I know it sounds stupid, since I only spent a week in that hospital with you, but - that’s what happened.”

That memory always warmed him. It always fueled and spurred him onward through any difficult task he ever had to face.

“Losing you made me crazy, but I found a way to cope. Sure - it wasn’t the most constructive or socially acceptable way, but I made do.” Axel chuckled in amusement at the back of his throat thinking about how dysfunctional he had been in his teenage years.

He mellowed out and sighed. ”I think what made me so crazy was that I thought I would never see you again. I looked but found nothing. It’s like you never even existed. But I had proof, and I held on to that proof, but you already know that.” Axel glanced over his shoulder to give Roxas a weak smile and to make sure he was still there. 

Roxas hadn’t evaporated into thin air just yet. He was listening attentively, with arms folded across his chest. Axel was relieved. 

“I do know that. Get to your point,” rasped Roxas impatiently.

Axel turned back towards the sunrise, hunching in on himself in response to Roxas’ reprimand, like a shamed puppy.

It hurt to have Roxas snap at him like that. But he had broken the love of his life. He had nearly killed Roxas. The image of Roxas passed out on his floor haunted him. He had tried so desperately to do CPR, and it had worked. If it hadn’t though… Axel couldn’t bare to think about it. Tears stung his eyes. The terrible disgust of what he had done clung to him like manure, and sullied everything he touched.

Axel had burned with so much inward directed anger and hate over the past five days, he felt he had almost burned himself out completely. If Zack hadn’t been there to talk to he didn't know where he'd be right now. Probably dead in a gutter, he berated himself. He was a revolting and worthless piece of weak shit. 

Axel took a deep trembling breath, “And then you actually came back into my life. It was really _actually_ you. There, in that dumb school, with that dumb black hair of yours. I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure until I received your present, but I think a part of me always knew it was actually you.” That memory did manage to bring a smile out. 

Roxas had caught his eye the instant Axel had set foot in that kitchen. Nothing about Roxas had matched up with Axel’s memory of the blonde, drugged up, cabbage patch kid he had spent so much time searching for. Nothing except for Roxas’ eyes. Those had sung to him the most. 

“You became important and precious to me. But even then - you never remembered me - not until our last night together. And even then I don't think you remember that time in the hospital. And I don't blame you for that. I know how drugged up you were.” 

Axel grew quiet again.

“I told you what my favorite color is and why,” muttered Roxas.

Axel felt bitterly sad. “I know. But I still wish it had been different. I still wish I had left a bigger impression on you, the way you left one on me.”

Roxas’ eyes drifted to the sunrise. The world was beginning to get bathed in a warm glow, but he still felt the cold chill within himself. He already knew everything Axel was telling him. He didn’t need to be reminded of it. He didn’t wish to remember of how unlikely their reunion had been. He didn’t wish to think of how entwined their lives were. It would make leaving Axel just all the more difficult. 

A part of Roxas became annoyed when he thought about Axel telling him all this to possibly manipulate him into staying. He wouldn't put it past the man. And he _hated_ having such a low opinion of Axel. But despite all that he couldn’t, and didn’t want to leave just yet. He wanted to continue hearing the man out. That pilot light just never switched off.

“And then you left again. At that point I actually thought that you would never come back to someone so tired and forgettable as me.” Axel’s voice was so thin and worn. “It’s not that I didn’t trust you, or think you were someone who wouldn’t keep his word. I just really felt like I wasn't worth your while. I wouldn’t come back for me if I had been in your position.”

“I told you to go live your life. I wanted you to see all the better things in life, so that if you _did_ come back it was because I was important to you.” 

Axel’s voice grew smaller and the wind seemed to become louder. Roxas was forced to move a little closer so he could still hear. 

Those years without Roxas had felt like an eternity to Axel. He couldn't bare going through that again, but there was no way of keeping Roxas close to him if he didn’t want to stay - if he didn't want to have Axel around.

He didn’t want Roxas to be miserable. Having watched Roxas’ energy and love for life and for Axel fade away had been a slow and sickening death in its own right. Axel thought he would rather die knowing Roxas was happy somewhere without him, rather than force Roxas to stay around in misery with him. He loved Roxas that much.

“I came up here every day because this was the last place we were together. The last place I was happy. But this place also reminds me of all my failings. It reminds me of why I am alone, and why I keep messing up all my chances to be with you. I come up here to be alone with my misery. And each day that passed and you weren’t here just confirmed my fears.” 

Axel threw his head back again to look at Roxas. “That bet I made with Zack - to be honest - I thought it was an extremely fair one. Both of us were in the same boat.” 

He turned back to give Roxas some space. 

Axel had visited Zack so much, particularly that first year. He had tried to bury his pain in the pursuit and chase of getting into Zack’s pants or getting the other man to make out with him, but Zack had always refused. Axel had seen Zack sleep around and even date a few people, but he had always refused Axel. It had irritated him, but also distracted him from the gaping Roxas shaped hole in his heart.

“There was always a high chance that Cloud would never come back. And if he didn’t come back chances were also really high that you would stay with him.” Axel’s voice came out stilted, “Zack and I were so sure that we had lost the love of our lives.” 

“But you _did_ come back. You appeared out of nowhere, shouting my name. I could have died of happiness,” he oozed with warmth.

Roxas couldn't possibly miss the smile he heard in those words.

“I thought we could just get back to where we had left off. I selfishly didn’t want anything to have changed between us. The reason I didn’t want to see the grown up you is because only the past you would need me. The past you was who needed an outlet and escape. He didn’t know any better because of his overprotective brother. He wouldn’t be able to compare me to the bigger and better versions, like Zack, because he had never actually met anyone but pathetic me.”

Axel paused again for a while. He had clung on too tightly to wanting to preserve everything they had possessed in the past. Axel had been able to see what he was doing but he hadn’t been able to stop himself. He had been too scared to try a different approach. He had been too scared of losing Roxas.

A sad frown grew on Roxas’ face. 

“If I acknowledged that you had grown up, and grown into the even _more_ amazing and beautiful person than you were when I first met you, I’d definitely lose you. Because why would anyone as good as you choose to stay with a complete dick like me? And I’m right. I am losing you. No - I _have_ lost you.” Axel grew angry. “You’re here to tell me to fuck off. You’re here to tell me you’re leaving, and even now you’re just listening to me to make me feel better. To make me feel like I could possibly change your mind and change what’s about to happen here. But your mind’s made up.”

Axel felt his arms tremble with upset. He huffed in resignation. What was the point of fighting the inevitable?

“I’ve only got my own stupidity to blame for that. You lived your life well. And you met all these amazing people, whom I can never even hold a candle against their bright light. I just get drowned out. And that’s the story of my life. Never good enough. Always forgotten.” Axel winced in pain. “Everything in your life is just so much better than anything I could ever offer you. Some days I wonder if you even came back for me. Or just for your brother - or for Zack.”

Axel’s voice came out brittle and pained. It dug into Roxas heart.

“I feel so second rate compared to everyone else in your life. And you do a pretty good job of making me feel that way too. Making sure that I know how _more_ important everything and everyone else is. I can just sit and wait for you, like a dog waiting for their owner to come and pick them up from the doggy daycare. You treated me like dirt, Roxas, and loved me when it was convenient for yourself.” Axel’s stomach clenched tight.

Roxas inhaled sharply, as if wounded.

“That’s why I get jealous. That’s why I didn’t want you to spend so much time with everyone who wasn’t me. I was - and still am - scared. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I tried to preserve what we had. I tried to preserve and keep you how you used to be, because that’s the only way how you would ever want to stay by my side.” 

Axel’s voice began to rise with ferocity and upset, “But it only drove you further away from me. I’m sorry that you mean so much to me. I’m sorry that my doubts smothered you. I held on too tight to a fantasy. And now you are leaving and going back to Wutai. Because - why wouldn’t you? I fucked up. I hurt you. Not just once. Not even twice,” he slammed his fist down in the clock tower wall, which caused Roxas to tense up. 

“I hurt you so many countless times because of my insecurities. I can’t even believe I did all those things myself. I fucking _promised_ you I’d never hit you again. And I didn’t - but I did something much, _much_ worse. It makes me sick! It breaks my heart. It’s the final nail in our coffin.” Axel sniffed loudly and wipe at his face with his arm.

He snapped his head around to look at Roxas. The movement startled Roxas, causing him to jump back a little. This only deepened the frown on Axel’s brow. He never wanted Roxas to be scared of him. Axel just failed at so many goddamn things.

“What I’ve done to you is inexcusable. If you want me to throw myself off this tower I _will do it_. I’d rather be dead than hurt you again. I’d rather be dead than live without you. You just have to say the word.” Axel jumped up and stood on the ledge, ready to take the last step backwards.

Roxas could hear the earnestness in Axel’s words. He didn’t want what Axel was offering him though.

“There you go again blowing things out of proportions and being melodramatic. I don’t want you dead, Axel. I -.” Roxas stopped himself from giving his default response. The one that wanted to smooth everything over and hide away in a blanket of love and false security. He didn't want for Axel to get the easy way out of this. He wanted Axel to stew for a bit. “Get off the ledge, Axel. You’re making me nervous.”

Blue and green looked at each other as birds began chirping far below in the freshly arrived dawn. Axel searched Roxas’ eyes before he stepped off the ledge and back onto solid ground. His motions were far slower and more deliberate now. He lowered himself down on the wall, and faced Roxas.

“I know I’m being selfish saying this but… _please_ … just hear me, Rox. Hear me in your _heart_ ,” Axel placed his hand over his chest, “and not just your head. I don’t want to live without you, Rox. I know the last… half a year hasn’t been good - for either of us. But despite all that shit I still want us to be together. I know we can make it work. I know we’ve had such good times between all the crap. If we take more care, and if we look out for one another we can make it work. We can make it better. I am willing to do _anything_ for you. I don’t want you to abandon me and go back to Wutai,” whimpered Axel. He wore a pained expression on his face and his body tensing in on itself.

This was his final plea. He wanted Roxas to be happy but he just had to try, one final time, to win happiness for the both of them.

Roxas felt a knot forming in his still raw throat. “How -,” he only just managed to get it out above a whisper.

“I’ve known since Wintersday. I overheard Naminé and Sora talking at your party,” muttered Axel with eyes cast to the ground. 

He seemed crushed by it, and Roxas’ heart ached out of sheer guilt. That had been almost six months ago.

“I went to look for you - to hear it from your own mouth. I felt so hurt, Rox.” Axel’s eyes drifted up, reaching out towards him. “Why wouldn’t you trust me enough to tell me? Why do I have to hear it from someone else? Why was _I_ the last to know? But - It’s probably my fault.” Axel’s eyes sunk back down to the ground. “I hurt you. I can see that you’re scared of me. And I hate that. I wish I could take it all away. Undo the past. But I only made it worse. So I don’t even blame you for not telling me. I never envisioned that our lives could be anywhere but here in Radiant Gardens. I just wanted you to live with me and we’d wing it through the rest of our lives, together. Maybe I should have asked you, instead of just assuming shit. And I was going to. That night...”

Axel’s nose scrunched up in pain. “But I saw you and Zack, sitting outside on the bench.”

A dense lump formed in Roxas’ stomach, making him feel sick. Everything grew cold and hard inside himself. Roxas opened his mouth to say something but all words died inside himself. He felt like such an awful piece of shit.

“I saw the way you two looked at each other. I saw how you _kissed_. It drove me mad. But I believed in you. I _believed_ that you would tell me, and assure me that it meant nothing. So I didn’t burn the place down. I didn’t cause a fuss, because I had promised you that I wouldn’t embarrass you in front of your friends. I told myself that it was just you being stupid and kind, because that’s the guy you were and the guy I fell in love with.” 

That sight had lit a roaring fire inside Axel’s belly at the time. The memory of it was causing him to tremble right now. He had been poised to go out there and smash Zack’s stupid face in - but he had refrained. He had loved Roxas enough to not charge out there blindly. Roxas never appreciated all the good things Axel ever did. Roxas just took Axel for granted. He bit his lower lip to try and calm himself, but it wasn’t working too well.

Accusation and agony erupted in Axel’s eyes as he looked up. 

It burned a hole into Roxas’ heart. Roxas could see the pain and roaring firestorm within bright green.

“But you never told me. None of it. Not after we had that incredible fuck - not any days following. I _asked_ you if you were happy with me - with _us_. You fucking _lied_ to my face. Why wouldn’t you tell me stuff like that? Have I really treated you so badly? You need to tell me how to make it better, Roxas. I - I can’t read your fucking mind. I need us to make this better. But when you don’t tell me shit you make me feel like I mean nothing to you. But you still mean the world to me, Roxas. Even if I get forgotten by the world like this stupid tower,” he smashed his fist against the wall once more, “- even if I mean nothing to anyone else - as long as I’m important to you I can get through anything. Being important to _you_ was the _only thing_ that ever mattered to me.”

Roxas couldn’t find the words he desperately wanted to say. His mouth just hung open.

He finally saw the picture of himself that Axel had accurately painted in his own mind. Roxas hadn’t put Axel first in his heart. He had been selfish, and cowardly. He had been too focused on Cloud and Zack. He had been too focused on all the other people in the world, because… because what? Because he took Axel for granted. Roxas could finally see the hurt he himself had inflicted upon Axel. Roxas finally saw himself as the despicable prick he really was.

Roxas took a deep breath wanting to say something, _anything_ , but nothing eventuated.

He finally felt the gravity of his miscommunication. Feeling like a ‘ _somebody’_ was always important to Axel. For all the brave talk Axel had always done - telling Roxas that he didn’t care about anyone but himself - he was still extremely vulnerable. Roxas knew that, and Roxas hadn’t been considerate. Instead he had used it as fuel to stoke the fire in their fights. 

Roxas knew he was the most important person to Axel, and he had abused that privilege. For Roxas to not share something as pivotal as where their future together lay would have been soul crushing. Roxas wanted to disappear into the earth from the shame he felt right at this moment.

He finally comprehended where the rift had occurred. Roxas was every bit to blame for their falling apart as Axel was. He couldn’t play the innocent victim. They were both right, and wrong.

Roxas curled in on himself in pain. He hid his face in the palms of his hands. He couldn’t look at Axel. He couldn’t bare to have Axel look at him either. He was an awful and disgusting human being.

“I am _so_ sorry,” he squeaked into his hands. “You’re right. Of course you’re right. I should have told you. I wanted to tell you so many times - but - I was just so scared to tell you.”

“Scared of what?”

“The way you talked about us living in this city - like you had planned out our entire life together - I - I was scared that you would be giving up your life and happiness to be with me, and that you would then resent me.”

“Like the way you resent me for having to stay in Radiant Gardens?” Axel’s voice was a lot closer than where it had come from even a moment ago.

Roxas gave a minute nod into his hands. “Yes.” He couldn’t stand to have Axel’s beautiful eyes see him right now. He still felt terribly ashamed.

Axel let out a huff of air through his nose. “There you go again, being a sacrificial lamb. I wish you had just _told me_.” 

Axel hated seeing Roxas upset. He hated that Roxas always put everyone else’s feelings before his own. He wished for Roxas to put himself first. But then that wish had actually happened and caused Axel to get shafted. It was all really confusing. He didn’t know how they could both be happy, but he desperately wanted it to happen.

But right now he thought it best to just focus on explaining himself. He needed Roxas to understand that staying in Radiant Gardens was never a condition for them staying together.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t clearer. After I did my planning and scheming to lock Seph up for you I needed to pass the time somehow. I only took the job with that fossil so I had something to do. I only worked there so I wouldn’t go crazy waiting for you. And don’t forget, I got it into my stupid head that you _wouldn’t_ come back. So I wanted to build something for myself, just in case,” Axel shrugged his shoulders. 

“Sometimes I even thought that you would come back, but only to give me an instant goodbye. I figured you’d probably have felt bad thinking I’d wait for you forever. And you know, you’d be right thinking that. It’s something I would totally have done. I’d waiting for you up here in my old age, climbing up the stairs with my zimmer frame. I’d have started at sunset to get up here by sunrise. But then I thought that I should just lobby the government to install an elevator,” Axel chuckled and threw out a smile, despite Roxas still having his head buried in his little hands. He thought he had caught Roxas shaking lightly. He hoped it was out of laughing at Axel’s stupidity, and not out of feelings of guilt or sadness.

Axel couldn’t help himself. He reached out.

Roxas felt something tussle his hair. It was like the touch he had received in the school's kitchen so long ago. Flutters stirred in his gut, and mingled with the sickness he was feeling from being an awful prick.

Axel breathed out gently. Roxas was just so adorable. It filled Axel with a mixture of sickness and fond affection. He really hoped they could turn this around somehow. He really hoped Roxas would change his mind. “So anyway I imagined that you would come around one day and just tell me to live my life, like I had told you to live yours.”

“Somehow I began believing that this would be the only reason I would ever see you again. You’d have come to tell me that you were letting go of us, because it would be the kindest thing to do.” Axel sighed, “And then you were up here with me. But you kissed me. Oh god, Rox… _how_ you kissed me.” Axel’s heart swelled with desire, and his body filled with shivers of pleasure at the memory. “You don’t know how that made me feel. Everything I ever worried about melted away like the pools of ice cream I had been dripping down to the ground for years.”

“That job only made me happy while I didn’t have you. I was always happy and prepared to leave at the drop of a hat if you said so, Roxy. _You_ are my happiness. I don't care where I live or what I do, as long as you’re by my side. I don’t know why you’d ever doubt that. But I’ll work hard to never have you be unsure again, if you’ll let me.”

Roxas felt weak from all these revelations. He felt so fucking stupid for all the assumptions he had ever made. He dug his fingernails into his skin as punishment.

“Roxy,” breathed Axel. “Can I give you a hug?”

Roxas’ heart fluttered to life with nerves and something else. He gave a slight nod, still not being able to pry his hands away from his face.

A warmth spread through him at last and he felt arms wrap around him tenderly. 

Roxas melted into the touch and let himself linger in Axel’s embrace for a few moments. He had missed Axel’s smell. He had missed Axel’s warmth. He had missed the way Axel breathed. The terror of that angry and heated night could never be forgotten. But maybe it could be forgiven.

Roxas pulled away once he felt himself become too comfortable.

The fear he had felt towards Axel had somehow dissipated. He carefully released his face to reveal his guilt and shame blazing across his cheeks. 

There was still pain in gorgeous green eyes, but also fondness. 

Zack was right. When they were both calm they could face anything together. They could repair this. Roxas wanted to believe it more than he ever believed anything in his life.

So he needed to clear his conscience. 

“The thing with Za-”

Axel shook his head and raised a finger wanting to dismiss Roxas’ words. “I don’t need to hear it. Once Cloud came back into the picture I tried to forget whatever there might have been between you and Zack.”

“But you deserve to know.”

“I already know it.” 

Roxas thought Axel looked excessively sad.

“Tell me if this sounds right to you.” Axel pulled the fresh air into his lungs and looked pensive as he spoke, “Zack is a great guy. I was treating you unfairly. I did things to you that no one should ever do to someone they claim to love. I understand why you might be drawn to him. I’m not happy about it. But I get it. There is also the stuff about you being a dumb sap, always needing to make others feel better. Zack was hurting and pining, and you’re the closest thing he could get to Spiky. So you did the one thing you knew would make him happy.”

That’s the story Axel had told himself. He hadn’t been able to bring it up with Zack. He would have gotten too angry with the handsome prick. He figured he could hear it from Roxas though.

“That’s - only half the truth, Axel.” Roxas cast his eyes to the ground. “I wasn’t being completely selfless. You always think the best of me. Like I’m a saint, but I’m not. I’m not that good and pure. I really wanted to kiss Zack, out of my own selfish needs and wants. I - I don’t want to put this on you or blame you but,” Roxas took a deep breath. “All your paranoia kind of… made me think about it more, somehow. And that night I just didn’t think about anything but myself really. I didn’t even think about Zack. I didn’t think about what he might want or how he might feel about it.”

Roxas noticed how he had tensed up at admitting his deep shame to Axel. He was expecting some sort of a backlash. A flare of anger and hatred thrust towards him - but nothing came. Roxas ventured a quick peek at Axel. He found green eyes cast out to the side, and his face pressed into sharp thin lines.

“Thank you for telling me,” Axel said quietly. So there was a bit more to it than Roxas just being a selfless kitten. Axel couldn’t fault him too much for that.

Roxas felt terrible.

“What was it like?” Axel threw out casually.

“I - can’t really say. It wasn’t anything amazing. Just… soft and warm.”

“No tongue?”

“No tongue,” Roxas blew amused air out of his nose and rolled his eyes slightly. 

“Well that’s kind of disappointing to hear. I always imagined Zack to be an amazing kisser. But he never gave in to me.”

Roxas smiled, and ventured another glance at Axel. He found the green eyes resting on him, which caused his cheeks to warm.

“I think he saves all his best kisses for Cloud,” chuckled Roxas.

Axel gave him a lopsided smile. He wanted to touch Roxas so badly. To ruffle his hair some more, to hug him and kiss him. But he didn’t. He had hurt Roxas so much already. It would probably take time to rebuild the trust between them.

Instead Axel just drank up that warm summer sun which was Roxas’ smile. It always nourished him. Roxas was the sunshine of Axel’s life.

The air between them felt better.

Roxas breathed in deeply, feeling the cold chill burn against his damaged throat. They had hurt each other so badly. Roxas never wanted this to happen ever again.

“You actually think your not important to me? You think anyone could ever take your place? You put me on this path, Axel. You made me believe in myself, and in the good I could do for others. You believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. You will _always_ be important to me. I should have found a way to show it to you more.”

Roxas’ eyes meandered down to rest on Axel’s chest as he became lost in his thoughts and the words he needed to say.

“We both know that we got off on the wrong foot. We thought that life hadn’t moved on and changed us, but it did. You only saw me how I once was and that was wrong. Thank you for acknowledging that. But I’m at fault too. I should have spoken up sooner. I should have trusted you more and tried to understand you and your baggage. But I guess I was naive and didn’t think that we would ever have any problems.”

“But we did.” Roxas felt burdened by all the things he had never said to Axel. “I felt like you were actively trying to sabotage the person you helped me to become. I’ve grown into someone who wants to help people, but not at the expense of myself and my own happiness. I’ve learned a lot about putting myself first, and I have you to thank for that.” His eyes flicked up to meet Axel’s briefly. 

“But I also don’t want that to be at the expense of you and _us_. We need to learn to compromise. To give and take. I’m sorry that I come across as… what did you call it?”

“God’s fucking Gift to the World,” Axel said gently.

“Yeah, that. I’m sorry that I don’t take your pain and your life experiences serious sometimes. You’re right. I need to respect you more. Need to show you more love and compassion. You’re a privilege in my life, not a right.” 

It warmed Axel to hear those words. Roxas was always more clever. Roxas could lead them down the path of both being happy and caring towards each other.

Roxas’ throat was becoming exceedingly sore, but he still had so many things that needed to be said.

“I flipped the tables on us after you hit me. I - I know I did all the terrible things you had done to me. I treated you how you had treated me. You really fucking hurt me, Axel. So I felt like everything I did was justifiable. I was only thinking about me and what was right for myself. I was selfish. You’re right. And that just stuffed us up even more. I just couldn't -.” Roxas stopped himself. “I didn’t _want_ to see it. I had painted this rosy picture in my head, where everything was fine. I was in control and in charge and everything was fine. And you just had to abide by my rules. It was so fucking stupid,” he chastised himself.

“I hope you know how stubborn I can be by now, Axel. When I felt myself get pushed in one direction by you it pissed me off so much that I pulled in the complete other direction. But that was wrong of me. I don’t ever want to do that again. I don’t want either of us to ever do that to each other again. I also don’t want you to feel second rate, because that isn’t where you stand in my heart.”

Axel’s expression only continued to soften in response to Roxas’ words.

“You’re right, you know? I’m pretty full of myself. Where you don’t think you’re worth much, I feel like I’m worth a lot. And I treated you badly because of that. It makes me sad to know you don’t feel worthwhile though. It makes me so sad that you thought I wouldn’t come back for you,” and Roxas could feel the tears welling up inside himself. “You so totally are worthwhile, Axel. You are sweet, and thoughtful, and passionate and so god damn sexy.” Roxas had found himself getting lost in the sight of Axel, standing across from himself. It ripped him apart to know that Axel was so fragile and had such a low opinion of himself. 

“Flattery will get you everywhere with me, Roxy,” a tender finger skidded down Roxas’ cheek, causing Roxas to smile weakly.

Roxas saw the growing fondness in Axel’s eyes. Roxas became flooded and wracked with guilt.

“Don’t - Don’t look at me like that, Axel.” He cast his eyes back down.” I don’t deserve it. I - I forgot about you. I want - no - I _need_ you to know that. I was so busy living my own life - I was so busy doing what you told me to do, that I forgot about you. Some days I remembered and felt terrible about it. I felt so guilty. But most days I didn’t feel anything. I think I feel even worse about that. You never forgot about me. Not one day. Everything in your life has always been shaped around me. And that’s scary because - because I don’t feel I deserve that. I don’t deserve to be _that_ special to you. It puts all these expectations on me. I’m worried about not doing enough for you. Of not being enough. Of letting you down. And that annoys the shit out of me, Axel,” he exhaled sharply. “It’s also why I needed to get some space between us. I felt like you thought I could fix and make everything right in your world. I don’t want that responsibility on my head. I can’t be that person for you.”

He fell silent. The painful rock which had sat atop his heart all these years finally dislodged. He still felt terrified of the consequences though. Roxas had inadvertently shrunk in on himself as he had told Axel all this. And he only winced more as he heard a pained exhale drift out of Axel.

“But you _didn’t_ forget about me in the end,” Axel’s voice seemed faint at first but grew with strength. “You are here. We are both here. You’re right. I don’t place much value on myself. And that makes me paranoid and worry about shit I should never worry about with you. It causes us more trouble. I’m gonna work on that, Roxy. I need to trust you more. And I also need to realize that it’s kinda unfair for me to expect you to be as crazy about me as I am about you. This relationship’s only big enough for one nutjob, yeah?”

Roxas suddenly managed to breathe easier. His shoulders relaxed and the arms he had clasped around himself loosened up. Roxas was able to pull his eyes off the ground and look into Axel’s. The man’s expression hadn’t changed one bit. There was still love and fondness.

The fear in Roxas subsided, and he gave Axel a small nod in response to the question he had posed.

The way Axel’s face lit up for a brief moment drew Roxas in.

He moved a tiny step closer towards Axel. It felt good to talk like this. It was good to not feel fearful for his own safety. They were both in a good and calm space right now. As Zack had pointed out, they were really good together when they weren’t both lit aflame with anger. They could be receptive and listen to each other. They could be accepting of hearing each other's personal truths.

“I want you to know that I’m happiest in Wutai. This city -,” Roxas gazed out over the ever brightening city scape, just beyond the confines of the clock tower. He returned his sights onto vivid green and red which stood before him, “It isn’t the city I feel at home in any longer. My home is somewhere else, but I came back here so I could collect the missing piece I need. It was never for Cloud. It was never for Zack. They _are_ apart of my family. And you know that family is the _most_ important thing in the world to me, Axel. But I came back for _you_. Because _you_ are a part of my family now too. You are _as_ important to me as Cloud and Zack, if not _more_. I don’t ever want you to doubt that. I love you so much. And I know you show your love for me in almost everything you do. I’m sorry for saying your words don’t mean anything.”

Axel’s lopsided smile had evened out and grown in strength. The residual hardness was completely gone from his eyes, too. They stood together, soul’s bared to one another.

Axel swore to himself that he would never doubt Roxas again. 

His heart swelled, and his skin goose fleshed. “We’re family,” breathed Axel in sheer delight. 

Roxas nodded and smiled, “Family.”

Roxas fought through his tears.

“I might not remember anything about our past other than your gorgeous green eyes,” Roxas closed the distance between them. He lifted his hand to stroke Axel’s cheek with his thumb, rubbing a stray tear off the man’s pale face, “but Axel, don’t let that get you down. We are destiny. We are inevitable. We should never be afraid of losing each other - because everything out there is pushing us together. Life has proven that time and time again. As long as we don’t get in our own way - I think we’ll be alright, don’t you?”

Axel nodded, “Yeah. We can get through anything together.”

Axel’s warm hand cupped Roxas’, which was still situated on his cheek. Both smiled at each other in a way they hadn’t been able to do for what felt like an excessively long time.

Roxas was overcome with love. He would work hard on never letting them hurt each other again.

“You know why this clock tower has been forgotten? Why it’s in disrepair and an eyesore that sticks out like a sore thumb?” began Roxas, thinking of all the times they had met up here. 

Axel shook his head, not being able to take his eyes off Roxas even for a second. He merely leaned into Roxas’ touch.

“Tell me,” came the husky and content voice.

“It’s not because the clock tower is at fault. It’s doing everything it should - well it could use a tune up so it chimes at every hour - but that’s not the point. The point is that it is in the state it’s in because it doesn’t belong here. It belongs somewhere else where it can shine and be itself. It needs to be with its proper caretaker. The one who loves this stupid, arrogant and presumptuous clock tower more than anyone else in the world. It needs to get away from all the cranky pigeons who keep pooping on it, telling it that it’s not good enough and a disappointment.”

Axel cocked an eyebrow and amusement played on his lips.

“I’ll give you a hint, I’m not talking about this stupid clock tower.”

The smile on Axel’s face broadened, revealing teeth.

“I know,” was the soft response.

They looked into each other's eyes with longing. Axel rubbed small circles onto Roxas’ hand which hadn’t moved from his cheek.

Roxas wondered if they had actually patched things up. He understood Axel’s needs a lot better now. He thought he could be the man that Axel needed in his life. He could be more reassuring without completely losing himself. He still wanted to have Axel in his own life. Axel still fit snug into his heart.

“I know this is _long_ overdue but - I want you to move to Wutai with me. I want us to own our own restaurant, together, and cook side by side. Cooking’s always made you happy. It’s what brought us together, and it’s also what makes me happy. And when we are done with that for the day I want us to go out at night, get drunk, and have sex ‘til morning. And then we do it all again. Until the end of our days.”

Axel moved himself closer, pushing their torsos together in response. 

“That sounds perfect,” he purred, pushing his face closer towards Roxas’ own. His eyes fell on Roxas’ lips before drifting further down.

Roxas felt an arm snake around the small of his back. His heart began beating faster. He could feel the echoes of Axel’s own thumping heart reverberate through that hot body. 

All the hideous things which had happened in the past burned and blew away like ash in the wind.

Axel’s hand left Roxas’ and tentatively moved to his neck.

Roxas flinched out of reflex and saw sadness and regret reflected in Axel’s eyes.

“I am truly sorry, Roxy. I will never hurt you again. As I live and breathe. Until the end of our days. I promise. We’ll talk about this stuff. We’ll come to compromises. We won’t assume we know what’s best for each other, or what the other is thinking, ok?”

Roxas was able to hear Axel inside of his heart this time, and gave a firm nod and an affirming smile. “You got a deal, Axel. I’m going to start treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You’ve got the number one spot in my heart.” He leaned against Axel’s warm body and tilted his head up. Axel responded by pressing his lips to Roxas’ puckered ones. Axel planted a few pecks and nips before deepening their kiss.

Roxas’ insides erupted with joy as their tongues danced with one another. It was gentle and caring, but an underlying need roiled and sat heavily between them.

They pulled apart before they got lost in each other too much, leaving smiles on one another's faces. Axel brushed the hair out of Roxas’ face so he could see him better.

Axel sighed with deep wanton desire, “Roxy, I love you. Any place you are is my new favorite place. Wherever you go, I’ll follow.”

Roxas’ smile brightened. “And I love you so _fucking_ much as well, Axel. I can’t wait to show you all around Wutai. I can’t wait for us to start our normal life together.” He wrapped his arms around Axel’s neck, and pulled him into another passionate kiss and embrace.

**_The End._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concludes Part Three of - **_In Pursuit of a Normal Life_**
> 
> Part One - [A Small Glimpse](https://goo.gl/Q7KZdI)  
> Part Two - [A Place To Belong](https://goo.gl/Mwfsz6)  
> Part Four - [The Search For Absolution](https://goo.gl/Hf27MP)  
> Part Five - [Tales From A Normal Life](https://goo.gl/3OP1rg)
> 
> And so it is with a heavy heart that I announce Roxas and Axel's story to finally have drawn to a close.
> 
> This in no way should serve as a manual for life. If you find yourself in a domestic violence situation, GET THE FUCK OUT!
> 
> This is a fanfic, so I've decided they have patched things up and will have their forever happy ending. They go down to Wutai, and have lots of sex and happy times and bliss <3
> 
> There is some AkuRoku talk in chapter 9 of _The Search For Absolution_ , so you can read a bit about it there if you haven't had enough. There is also a Cloud/Roxas convo embedded in that other fic which I didn't deem significant enough to stick into _The Clock Tower_.
> 
> I'm probably going to start writing another fanfic based in the _In Pursuit of a Normal Life_ universe, filled with drabbles, oneshots, fluff and fun. So if you have any questions left after this fic - if you want me to write any scenarios - expand on anything - or explain some things further, drop me a comment, and it may end up being written about in the compilation fanfic.
> 
> I hope this last chapter was ok and not too confusing. It had only Roxas' perspective at first, but then it felt like it wasn't meaty enough, since we never got to hear what Axel was thinking and feeling about anything. He couldn't be neglected. I hope the flow is alright, and that you can build up a better picture of them both and their baggage. 
> 
> Gaw... AkuRoku... so much love! <3
> 
> Other than that I hope you enjoyed this story. There were some ups and downs. Relationships are tough.
> 
> Feel free to leave **kudos** and/or **comments**. I always enjoy those :)
> 
> Take care, and I might catch ya over at [The Search For Absolution](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7808803)
> 
>  
> 
> __  
> **~cream pudding**  
> 


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